Oakland 2013 : “I think the Universe was intending for that to be my meth wallet!”

Maybe I’m totally wrong about this but I imagine that there are some readers who are mostly here for the underground art and music stuff and just kind of roll their eyes through the drug sections or scan ahead until I start talking about a show again. And then of course there would be readers who just want to hear about crazy drug stories and just kind of feel like:

Why the fuck would I want to read about some lame ass band that broke up in less than a year? Get on to the sniffing, smoking and shooting!”

Then of course there would be the third type of reader that absolutely lives for the content that focuses on these separate but connected worlds like a rarely available but absolutely delicious version of a Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup. I could be drastically underestimating how rare this kind of reader is. Books about the earliest days of Punk like Please Kill Me are absolutely full of bands and drugs and clearly have a broad audience but I feel like that’s a little different only because all of those bands have gone on to be at least moderately well known.

I was thinking about something kind of like this when I was just recently having a conversation with AT from Attitude Problem at the Blog Cabin Reunion that just went down in New Mexico. I had discovered since writing the Fort Thunder chapters that both AT and Jeremy Harris from Lazy Magnet had been playing in USAISAMONSTER at the show that happened on my twentieth birthday. I remember that the band was five different people but for whatever reason I had only really talked and vibed with Tom and Colin.

While I’m on this topic I should also mention that I recently remembered that the band Mastodon played the same show. They were a still fairly underground group at this stage as opposed to the mainstream metal juggernaut that they are today and didn’t seem particularly out of place. I might as well mention that a group called Duct Tape Union also played – I don’t know anything about them except that they were probably local.

Anyway meeting AT and Jeremy many years later I never realized that we had all actually met at Fort Thunder way back in August of 2000. So I was talking to AT about what was exciting and attractive about Fort Thunder and I brought up this thing that Mat Brinkman said in an interview in The Comics Journal – basically that people who are into noise records are mostly not that into comics and people that are into comics are mostly never into noise records.

I know it’s not completely never as the thing that first drew me to Fort Thunder was discovering some of Mat Brinkman and Brian Chippendale’s mini-comics and then what cemented my need to actually go there was separately discovering the music of Lightning Bolt and Forcefield. I think my earliest exposure to the Fort Thunder comics world was a booklet called Coober Skeber Marvel Benefit Issue that was handed out free at the 1997 San Diego Comic-Con as a joke about Marvel declaring bankruptcy.

All of this is probably extremely interesting to a certain subset of people but I’ve already spent way too long in random asides so I’ll leave it as yes the bankruptcy was real, Chippendale had a Daredevil comic in it and beyond that you’ll have to look stuff up yourself. The worlds of underground music and comic books remain connected. While at the party I got to read a newer comic from Anya Davidson of Coughs called MNSTRFCKR

Image via Anya Davidson’s Whatever We Call Twitter Now

I also got to see a bunch of experimental music and take a lot of drugs. Yay comics! Yay noise music! Yay drugs! – anyway on to the actual story.

In early November of 2013 me and LaPorsha were living at my mom’s house in San Diego. We had been subletting somebody’s apartment in Koreatown but got sick of the constant hustle to come up with rent money and didn’t think living in Los Angeles was really worth it. I had just ridden down with Griffin from Sewn Leather for a show he was playing at Otras Obras in Tijuana.

I’ve already written at length in other places about the things that would eventually inspire us to move down to Tijuana ourselves but this was the period of time when we were going down a lot for shows and art openings but hadn’t actually lived down there ourselves yet. You could say it was our “honeymoon phase” with Tijuana.

I had been down enough to have contacts to set up a show when my friends from Moira Scar hit me up about playing Tijuana with their project V.E.X. It looks like Gmail has deleted the messages but I’m pretty sure I tried Otras Obras first and when that didn’t work out I was able to set it up with Mustache which shared the exact same back patio anyway. The date they needed was November Second which just so happened to be Dia de Los Muertos.

For those unfamiliar with the holiday there are actually two days of the dead. November First is for those who died as children and November Second is observed for those who died as adults. This should clear things up for anybody confused about the date. I billed the show as a “Cempasuchil Social” – the Spanish name for the marigold flowers used in Dia de Los Muertos observances and an acquaintance from the Tijuana artist community named Zophie Felina made a flyer for it.

Like most shows it didn’t really turn out the way I had pictured it. I was hoping that the locals who were interested in coming out would have just had things like marigolds and sugar skulls lying around and would maybe bring some along to decorate the place. I can see in retrospect how that was an unreasonable expectation. Dia de Los Muertos is a very traditional, family oriented holiday and deciding to go out to a goth show to see some American bands is kind of the opposite of that.

If I had already been living in Tijuana I could have made a lot of that happen myself. As it was I rode down with V.E.X. at more or less standard load in time. It no doubt would have helped things to have an actual local act on the bill but for whatever reason that didn’t happen. It might have been that the venue only wanted three bands and Little Debbie was already attached to the bill. Maybe I just didn’t try to find one.

Anyway it was a perfectly fine modestly attended rock show.

I don’t think I would have been on any drugs this night. At this point in time I was still primarily using pain pills and by the time we had driven to the venue all of the pharmacies that sell that kind of thing would have been closed. There was a homeless junkie kid I knew down there who made his living walking between all the popular downtown bars and selling assorted snacks and pre rolled joints of the shittiest weed imaginable.

I do remember a particularly dramatic moment in the night when he was lying in the actual gutter injecting himself with heroin. All of the bars knew all about his drug use and never would have permitted him to set a foot inside their bathrooms. That was most likely his best choice to have enough streetlight to see by while still using the edges of parked vehicles to stay out of sight of passing law enforcement.

So obviously it wasn’t the kind of social situation where I could just disappear with that guy to go get high for a minute. In fact I never copped with him at any point even after making the move over the border. I ended up independently discovering a trap house in a notorious neighborhood called Coahuila that this dude had heard of but said he would never go to because of how sketchy and dangerous it was.

I’m not saying this as a flex but as observation on how it can feel like there are two different sets of rules for natives and foreigners when it comes to this kind of stuff. I eventually met a few other American junkies while crossing back and forth over the border who said they frequented the same trap house so it’s not like I was particularly tough or badass for going over there.

As long as I’m on the topic I might as well mention another observation I made a few months later when I was living in Tijuana. After the trip to Northern California to look for trim work that this story will culminate it LaPorsha made a batch of weed cookies to try to sell in the United States. We accidentally brought them over the border with us and although they hadn’t attracted the attention of Mexico’s drug sniffing dogs it seemed unwise to take the same chances with their American counterparts.

We weren’t interested in eating them ourselves so the only option was to sell them off in Tijuana at a much lower price. This brought me to the kind of punk and reggae themed bars that were popular with teenagers but I wouldn’t have normally frequented. In these places I noticed that openly smoking black tar heroin seemed to be viewed as socially acceptable – this certainly wasn’t the case with the older, hipper crowd I hung around. The hardest opiate any of them openly used was tramadol.

I can’t help but wonder what’s become of the Tijuana drug scene since the cartels have switched out fentanyl for tar. It’s nice to think that they would continue to grow poppies to supply their own people but considering both the cost and labor involved and general Mexican attitudes toward drug users it doesn’t seem especially likely. It’s probably at least as hellish as things have gotten on this side of the border.

Even if friends had offered to let all the bands and entourage crash down in Tijuana the middle of the night is the only opportunity to drive back into the United States without hours of waiting so the only real option was to drive right back to my mother’s house. As soon as Roxy got back over the border one of our friends that had ridden along, a girl from Los Angeles named Ariel, started demanding that we find a 24 hour fast food drive through.

Nobody was especially sympathetic as food is everywhere in Tijuana. Not just street taco stands, there’s a straight up Burger King a couple of blocks away from the venue we were staying at. Also all kinds of clearly sanitary packaged foods like chips and cookies in every corner store and probably even the bar we played at. The dude shooting up in the gutter had sealed bags of Funyuns even.

Ariel said that she didn’t “trust” any of the food in Mexico. Roxy was way too tired from a full day of driving and wasn’t about to stop anywhere. Ariel had a full on tantrum – like actual crying. I don’t know what she did when we got back to my mom’s house. I guess either ate something there or just went to sleep.

Anyway her tantrum was a big part of why we wrote a “passive aggressive” invitation to our wedding in Mexico the next year. We didn’t want to deal with people who were afraid of the food or whatever else down there. My siblings said that message was the reason they didn’t come to the wedding. It was probably for the best.

We were sticking around San Diego for a couple more days because we had a show that Monday at The Void. That Sunday we spent the day checking out the different Thrift Stores around Spring Valley. When I’d been growing up there hadn’t been any in short walking distance from my parent’s house but now there were a couple of big ones.

I was walking through the parking lot of the one that used to be a small movie theater when I saw a yellow box of American Spirits on the asphalt. I always kicked cigarette boxes when I saw them – you can feel in an instant the difference between an empty one and a not so empty one. A not empty one might have cigarettes in it, which I did smoke in those days, or even money as people occasionally use them as wallets.

This one happened to contain a moderately sized baggie that was bulging at the edges with methamphetamine.

The feeling of this discovery reminded me of finding a five dollar bill in an Emeryville ball pit my first year of college – I instantly felt like it must have represented a far greater loss for whoever dropped it than it did a gain for me. In the ball pit this would have presumably been a young child. This time around it had to have been somebody who liked meth enough to buy a sizable quantity of it.

I don’t particularly like methamphetamine.

I had bought a sizable quantity of it at one point in time, three and a half grams or an eighth of an ounce, for the express purpose of smuggling it to Chicago with a counterfeit Greyhound pass and selling it at a profit. I have sniffed, smoked and injected the drug more times than I can count off hand but have probably declined offers of it an even greater number of times. To the best of my recollection I’ve never bought any quantity of it for personal use.

I never actually weighed the bag of meth I found but it was probably either 3.5 or 1.75 grams – an eighth or a sixteenth or “teener” which is a unit of measurement I’ve only seen used with methamphetamine. The shards were completely transparent and mostly on the smaller side although there were larger pieces. Based on my limited experience I’d classify it as mid-tier methamphetamine.

Middle-Shelf in the parlance of bar and now budtending.

Still I had found free drugs and in a respectable quantity. If you discount drugs that I’d previously bought and then misplaced it was probably the most drugs I’d ever found. It was undeniably a “come up” and I wanted to at least exchange it for something else of value – probably money. Not that differently than I would have expected if I had found a rare fossil or gold or gems.

One thing that did make it different was that I found it at least one night before me and LaPorsha were going to catch a ride up to the Bay Area with Roxy and Lulu to continue North and look for trim work. I can’t seem to remember if I found it the morning of our show at The Void but it seems like that show would have been an unsurpassable opportunity to try to find somebody who might want to buy it from me. Maybe we stuck around one extra day after that before leaving town.

What I can say for sure is there was a night at my mother’s house where I had the meth and also had a bag of clean syringes. I had the syringes because I had recently run into the woman from the piece called White Tiger’s House who used to sell me Vicodin. The whole situation at White Tiger’s House had imploded and she’d become homeless and was living near the closest shopping center. She told me she was diabetic, gave me the syringes and took me by another person’s camp she thought might be able to help me find heroin.

That hadn’t worked out. She also didn’t have any Vicodin at that point in time. She told me that she’d be getting a couple of bottles in the near future and would give me one of them if I could find her a tent.

Things hadn’t worked out for me to come across my preferred drugs for a little while. I’d been mostly messing with pain pills but my first love was injecting cocaine and heroin. I’d injected meth before but only one or two points at a time and I’d never noticed a recognizable rush.

I thought if I did a bigger shot of meth it would give me something comparable to the rush from injecting cocaine. At the same time I knew this wouldn’t happen. It was kind of like this moment years ago when my friends Steve and Badger asked this guy named Antonio to bring them drugs and when he asked what kind they answered “water soluble”.

Obviously the process of injecting drugs is an addiction in and of itself.

If I had to guess I’d probably say I did between .3 and .6 grams in a single shot. Without a scale and actual knowledge of how much the bag contained to begin with it’s nearly impossible to know. I wouldn’t describe the immediate sensation as a “rush” but I guess it’s all relative to whether you like the way something feels or not. Inhaling a blast of crack would probably feel pretty fucked up if it wasn’t something you were in the mood for or particularly liked.

At the risk of sounding inanely repetitive I don’t particularly like meth.

I did feel something immediately but it was pretty much dizziness, nausea and panic with no sense of euphoria or pleasure. I spent most of the night in a bathtub experimenting with soaking in either very hot or very cold water but neither felt especially better. I desperately felt like I needed to urinate but couldn’t seem to make it happen. I consider myself lucky that it didn’t result in some kind of permanent organ damage.

Most people in the house didn’t have any idea what was going on. Meth isn’t one of those drugs where you can just be like:

Hey I found a bag of this on the ground! Does everybody wanna do some?”

Cocaine is. In fact I’ve done that exact thing with cocaine I found on the ground. There’s a story about it up here somewhere – I think the one called Play Something Slow and Sexy. Polite society is generally either down to do some or at least not offended by the offer.

But I digress…

There was at least one girl in the house who liked meth. A friend of LaPorsha’s named Tina of all things. She has a “scene name” that she’s better known by. I guess I could add it in later if she wants to be easily recognized.

Anyway she had lost her wallet shortly before I found the meth. Maybe in Mexico or maybe even in Spring Valley. Now that I think about it she might have noticed it was missing at that very thrift store and the reason that I found the cigarette box was that I was helping her search for it. That would explain this next part a little better.

I happily gave her some of the meth. About the amount a casual user would take to be high on meth for a single night. She expressed to LaPorsha however that she felt like I should have given her all of the meth:

I think that the Universe was intending for that to be my meth wallet!”

I do understand where she was coming from in an “every cloud has a silver lining” kind of way. She had just experienced significant misfortune so she was most deserving of significant good fortune. Maybe I even specifically found it because of her loss. Still like a home run ball at a baseball game I was the one that caught it regardless of how bad a day the kid sitting next to me might have been having.

It would have been nice if she’d offered to buy it from me for significantly less than current market value. She had just lost a decent chunk of cash (and for all I know a much smaller quantity of meth) in her wallet but she always could have offered a future electronic transfer of some agreed upon amount. That would have been a win-win for everybody.

Maybe I was being unreasonable. Tina, if you’re reading this now and I had a Time Machine I’d totally just give it to you and call it a day. It certainly didn’t do me any good.

I did feel a little bit guilty about keeping it a secret from Roxy and Lulu that I was transporting drugs in their van. Still from a legal standpoint Roxy having no knowledge of it’s existence was the best possible outcome if it was going to be there anyway. In the unlikely event that we were pulled over she would have no reason to behave nervously and raise suspicion and if it were somehow discovered I could easily claim ownership and probably be the only one arrested.

I had hidden it pretty well.

This is actually the moment that I consider to be the most entertaining in this story and the reason I decided to type it up in the first place. I had hidden the meth inside of a Worlds of Wonder Talking Mother Goose and Hector. Man I really just want to write that again.

The meth was inside of a Worlds of Wonder Talking Mother Goose and Hector.

For the unfamiliar Worlds of Wonder was the company that created and marketed Teddy Ruxpin. Their main innovation was to use the left and right channels of an audio cassette to combine a story with instructions for simple animatronics. You only hear the channel with the bear’s voice coming out of the toy but the opposite channel is full of weird sounding noises that tell the motors in the mouth and eyes when to move.

Teddy Ruxpin was eventually supplemented by a caterpillar named Grubby. While only Teddy Ruxpin can play cassettes Grubby also speaks and moves his eyes and mouth by way of a special eighth inch cable between the two toys. Anyone familiar with audio work will notice that the plug on this eighth inch cable is slightly longer than the usual one on headphones and aux cables.

That extra little bit is for the robotics stuff.

When they created the Talking Mother Goose toy they decided to use the same technique from Grubby to add a small duck looking character called Hector to talk along. The main book he works with is called The Ugly Duckling so it’s possible that he is actually intended to be a very young swan. I’m embarrassed to admit that I’m not as knowledgeable about all the Worlds of Wonder lore as I’d like to be.

Since moving down to San Diego my main source of income had been buying vintage toys at yard sales, swap meets and thrift stores and then reselling them on eBay. I had gotten especially lucky with one big yard sale by my mom’s house but I was also at the point where I could look over a box of random toys and recognize obscure monsters from The Real Ghostbusters line and that sort of thing.

The same yard sale had netted me a Teddy Ruxpin and Grubby but I had already sold those off along with nearly everything else I’d accumulated. For the rarer stuff I always seemed to get the most money from an auction as opposed to a fixed price and offers and it just worked out that our ride with Roxy and Lulu coincided with a day left on this last auction.

Here is the video I made to assure potential buyers that the two toys were functioning properly:

Deep Worlds of Wonder fans will notice that this is the later version of Talking Mother Goose where the head does not move from side to side. You will also see me and LaPorsha’s first cat Catrick wearing the blue leather harness that we found for him in Tijuana. He was actually fairly used to traveling and even going to parties but we decided to leave him with my mother when we went to look for trim jobs.

An interesting and unexpected coincidence was that the woman from White Tiger’s house called me the exact moment we were pulling onto the freeway toward the Bay Area to tell me that she’d gotten the Vicodin and see if I possibly found a tent for her. I wish I had found one for her, mostly because she was older and had health problems but there was too much other stuff going on with the shows and everything and me and LaPorsha didn’t have our own vehicle yet.

Now that I think about it she used to ask me if I could help her find anything for “energy” or to “stay up” when I’d come by White Tiger’s house to buy pills from her so she probably would have been down to trade the Vicodin for the bag of meth instead. The idea didn’t even cross my mind at the time.

We stopped very briefly in the Highland Park neighborhood of Los Angeles because Roxy and Lulu wanted to go to a Farmer’s Market. I wanted to try to unload the meth but didn’t have any ideas as to what part of that neighborhood to go to or anything. I bought some tacos for me and LaPorsha and while I was waiting there was a standard issue but slightly on the softer side looking cholo guy waiting across for me.

I asked him if he fucked with meth and he said he did. I gave him a tiny bit to try in the bathroom but he only had around ten dollars on him. I gave him what seemed like twenty dollars worth but showed him how much I had and told him I was trying to get rid of it cheap if he could call anyone that might be interested.

He seemed like he was in a similar situation to me in that basically every person in his life wasn’t cool with this particular drug and he had to keep it a secret from everyone around him. The difference was that he did actually like using it while I do not. There wasn’t anybody he could call.

We continued on to Oakland and Roxy and Lulu dropped us off at Tuna Town. I really like those kids and would love to hang out with them again under better circumstances. The secret I was keeping and constant nervousness around the possibility of getting pulled over detracted from what should have been a really chill ride up a boring chunk of 5.

Maybe they’ll need a show between the Bay and Portland and decide not to do the coastal thing – that would be really cool.

So now there was no longer the lingering fear of complicating other people’s lives or getting them in trouble but I still felt like I had to get rid of it before making the trek to marijuana land. If I knew then what I know now, that half those weed farmers are tweakers and it’s worth more farther from big cities, I would have just brought it along but we didn’t feel like it would be a good look or reputation while searching for trim work for the first time.

Me and LaPorsha tried hitting up a few people but everybody said they didn’t know anybody that fucked with it which is completely understandable. I don’t currently know anybody that fucks with it – at least not very well.

I decided to try walking toward the triangular park on San Pablo because the last time I lived in Oakland I had a decent amount of success finding pain pills there. LaPorsha decided to come with me, probably because she was worried something might happen to me. We walked until I saw a guy who looked like he fucked with hard drugs sitting on the bus stop in front of that closed down 24 hour burger spot that used to take forever to make your food at night.

Maybe some other Oakland people remember this spot. I’m talking about the one that was directly across from Ghost Town Gallery where I recorded my live album called Nothing Happened. The spot was really tiny and might have had one of those San Pablo Giant Burger signs. No inside seating, just a take out window.

The deal with that place was that it was owned by a brother and sister and was essentially two different restaurants as she ran it during the day and he ran it at night. In the daytime it was pretty normal and reliable – it didn’t get too busy and the lady was very talkative and finished your food in a reasonable amount of time.

At night it was always insanely busy and the brother was always too stoned to function.

I’m talking about circa 2009 or so. It was the only possible 24 hour food spot in that part of Oakland and there was usually a decent sized line of punks leaving punk shows and super dressed up hood guys who must have been coming from a popular nightclub in the area I don’t know about. Actually good hamburgers take a long time to cook to begin with but this was amplified and exacerbated by how cartoonishly out of his head on marijuana the guy cooking the burgers and taking the orders was.

A regular hamburger took at least an hour and at the end of the hour he might have just forgotten about you and you need to order it again or cut your losses and go to sleep. I remember one night when he announced that somebody’s cheeseburger was ready and all the guys in line had ordered regular hamburgers but they started offering him double or even triple the price just to be able to get something that was actually ready. He didn’t let anybody buy it because he was worried that the actual person who ordered the cheeseburger might come back which still hadn’t happened by the time I got whatever I ordered an hour or so later.

Anyway the place went out of business not too long after and different restaurants opened in the same spot but never lasted long. I haven’t been to Oakland in a while so maybe there’s a successful business in there again. At the time of this story it was vacant.

I sat next to the guy at the bus stop and asked him if he fucked with meth or knew people that did. He said he was interested but I needed to wait for a minute so he could get well. He had a pill bottle with some black tar heroin and was adding powdered milk with a folded lottery ticket. The bottle had a couple of pennies in it for weight and he shook it to combine the two substances.

This was my first time ever seeing tar heroin prepared for insufflation in this way. I had used dope around San Francisco in the early 2000s but I was shooting it and so were the people I had been using with. A couple years earlier at Apgar some guys on the block had said that they could get me powdered heroin but it had to be made in a blender. I always pictured some kind of sophisticated machinery and never would have imagined it was just the simple household items in front of me.

After trying this one time I decided that I got a better high from doing a cold water extraction on twenty dollars worth of Vicodin and didn’t ask the neighborhood guys to score me heroin or “hop” again. I’d imagine that sounds hard to believe to a lot of people – in my earliest years of heroin use I assumed that prescription pain pills would be so weak in comparison that I wouldn’t even feel them. Of course that isn’t true and Oakland always seemed to have especially shitty heroin – even weaker than Portland although the second city is much farther from the Mexican border.

I waited for the bus stop guy to use the same folded lottery ticket to shovel several heaping piles of the powder he’d just created into his nose. He had the same constant sniffle of everybody who habitually consumes tar in this way. He asked me if I wanted any heroin or cocaine but I told him that I was only interested in money.

I hadn’t put a specific number on how much I thought the bag of methamphetamine I had found might be worth before this point but in the moment I decided on sixty dollars. Looking at the number now it doesn’t even seem worth the risk of traveling in a vehicle with it from San Diego to Oakland but that’s drugs. You take outsized risks that are never worth the money.

He counted out sixty dollars and handed it to me so I handed him the bag of meth. He crushed a small amount of it and sniffed it then immediately said that it didn’t burn and seemed to be weak. I hadn’t sniffed any of it myself but knew it was moderately potent from injecting it. That wasn’t the point anyway. He was working his way up to ripping me off.

He then said that the bag was small and looked like less than a gram which was definitely not true. I wasn’t as familiar with sizes and quantities back then but it had to be around two grams give or take. I told him if he didn’t like it he could give it back to me and I’d give him back his money. He said he was keeping the meth and repeated the demand for me to give back the money.

LaPorsha had been standing behind the bus stop and waiting. I stood up and said that if he was determined to keep the drugs we evidently had a deal and we started walking down San Pablo in the opposite direction of Tuna Town. He jumped on his bike and started riding on my heels repeatedly demanding the money back.

I don’t know what I would have done or what would have happened if I’d been alone but with LaPorsha with me I didn’t want to take the risk of him doing anything to her and just gave him the money back. By myself I probably would have tried to run somewhere a bike couldn’t follow but who knows how that would have even worked out. I also wouldn’t have wanted to lead him back to Tuna Town.

He was heavier set than I was but I wasn’t particularly afraid of him. I just wasn’t interested in fighting him over sixty dollars. Mostly I just picked the wrong guy – he was a sniffly dusty annoying motherfucker; not worth having anything to do with. My situational awareness was off.

Years later when we were homeless junkies in Oakland I never would have gotten ripped off by someone like him but that’s not some huge flex. It’s better to get ripped off by someone like him and not be a homeless junkie. Mostly they were just two different times in my life. It’s not like I’ve got huge regrets on either end.

From the moment I found it the bag of meth was a… I don’t know what to call it. It seems like there should be some reference in folklore like a monkey paw or albatross but nothing seems to exactly fit what I have in mind. Something that seems like a boon when you find it but ends up being a burden until you finally get rid of it.

I’d say bad penny but who gets excited about finding a penny? Maybe bad twenty would be more appropriate. Or just bad moderately sized bag of stigmatized hard drugs you don’t especially like using…

The Talking Mother Goose and Hector sold to somebody in Germany which shouldn’t be that surprising if you’ve ever sold Worlds of Wonder talking storybook toys on the internet. The buyer eventually sent me pictures of damage where I knew the pieces of the mouth or whatever it was could just snap back together but I had to give them a partial refund. That’s kind of on me – I should have done a better job packing the toys and adding reinforcement and padding around their heads.

This story is working out to end on a bit of a bummer note and while that can be cool I’m not really in the mood for it. So I’ll end it like this:

While we were still staying at Tuna Town I was walking back there one night by myself when I came across a tiny baby opossum sitting in the center of the roof of a parked car. The car was under a tree so presumably it had fallen or climbed down. When it saw me it tried to run to the different edges of the car’s roof but I would stand at those edges so it would retreat back to the center of the roof and I could keep looking at it.

I wanted to go get LaPorsha and bring her back to show her but I knew that as soon as I was out of sight it would climb off of the car and back into the tree. That was probably for the best. At a different point in my life I might have tried to catch it in my hands but there was no need for that.

There will be other baby opossums to show LaPorsha…

San Diego 2001 : “I like to call it a pack of moments”

Sometimes I feel lucky that as cool as he was my father wasn’t particularly creative. It’s not an absolutely binding rule but it seems like a lot of the time the sons of extraordinary artists are either total fuckups or pale imitations of their sires – a shadow too large to ever find one’s self out from under it, a pair of shoes that can’t be filled no matter how much you stuff them with newspaper or how many pairs of socks are layered underneath.

It’s generally seen as an indicator of reliability when some technical trade like watch or shoe repair has been passed down through multiple generations and in the case of creative pursuits it certainly gets a toe in the door but the value of that creative output is immediately suspect. Does anybody really prefer the Brian Herbert Dune novels or Bob McKay Little Nemo comic strips?

I’ve seen a few pictures by Yumihiko Amano, son of the celebrated Final Fantasy illustrator and character designer, that I liked but there’s no denying that his work is both derivative of and inferior to his father’s distinctive style. It seems like there are many Marleys constantly performing at Reggae or marijuana themed festivals but are any of them carving out much of a niche creatively?

The three different Hank Williams would seem to be an exception to this pattern as each of them is celebrated both as a songwriter and for expanding country music as a genre but this piece isn’t really about making a list.

I was thinking more about the total fuck up than the pale imitation phenomenon – or at least the situations where the sons go through a total fuck up period on the rocky road to becoming a pale imitation. I wrote a little bit about spending the night in St. Louis’s City Museum in The Miss Rockaway Armada chapters but I can’t remember if I went into very much detail about meeting Max Cassilly.

Another point that is probably relevant here is that great artists often make shitty fathers especially when they have a tendency to reinvent themselves multiple times with new partners and families. John Lennon was undoubtedly a far worse father to Julian than he was to Sean and for whatever reasons made specific efforts to exclude his eldest son from his legacy.

As long as I’m on this topic I might as well as drop in a recommendation for the episode of This American Life about my brother’s biological father, Keith Aldrich, who was never particularly exceptional as an artist but is noteworthy for the sheer number of times he attempted this kind of self reinvention at the expense of family.

The episode is called Twentieth Century Man and is definitely worth a listen. I suppose I could just drop in an actual link or even an embedded player but I still have complicated feelings about that sort of thing. Anyway it’s not exactly the kind of thing where you would necessarily want to stop reading to listen to it at this very moment but it’s easy enough to type it into a search bar if you’re interested later.

I don’t necessarily know whether or not Bob Cassilly was a shitty father during the time that he was married to his first wife, City Museum co-creator and long term director Gail Cassilly, but when The Rockaway came through in 2007 he had moved on to a younger wife he had a much younger son with. It must have already been intimidating for Max to have a father who was essentially a real life Willy Wonka but his new stepmother wanted nothing to do with him and had gotten a restraining order that prohibited Max from visiting the new home they were building in Cementland.

I met the elder Cassilly a few times and had at least one extended conversation with him but my recollections are nowhere near as sharp as the ones I have of his business partner John Patzius. The phrase that immediately jumps up in my memory is “poker face” – I remember him being something of an enigma and always wondering what he really thought about the pod of junk rafts he had invited to his riparian doorstep. Cementland was planned to eventually become a complex of medieval castle style architecture and water filled moats but at this stage it was mostly piles of rubble and a few old planes, buses and other vehicles.

There was an area where Cassilly had built a fascinating little suspension bridge and there was also a bit of decorative glasswork that I believe was done by his new wife and may not exist anymore as I didn’t see it when I looked at photos. I can’t remember if it was a trailer or a free standing structure but the home he lived in with his new family was fairly close to this section of the old factory. I saw, and was seen by, the bride and child as I passed by one of the windows: Cassilly asked me to give it a wider berth in my future explorations.

Max Cassilly, Bob’s eldest son, lived in an apartment above the City Museum. I don’t remember him ever coming by the rafts or to the big Skarekrau Radio concert that eventually happened on top of the concrete pylon on the river – I’m not sure if this would have violated his stepmother’s restraining order as it was technically part of the Cementland property but displaced by a two-lane road and large public park from the rest of it. He did come down and attempt to hang out with us during the slumber party.

He had one of those mohawks that is grown out and not held up by any kind of product – kind of like circa-2000 Anthony Kiedis. I think he was wearing a black t-shirt, green blazer and fingerless gloves. He was noticeably out of his element – it must have been intimidating trying to socialize with people that were close to his own age but friends and associates of his father.

I hadn’t reached the stage of my life where smoking marijuana started to give me crippling anxiety and I happened to have some on me. A few of us were passing around a spliff and Max saw it as an opportunity to attempt to relate to and possibly impress us:

“I’ve got a six foot bong upstairs in my apartment…”

I told him that we were already getting high enough. After a long pause he took another stab at engaging us in conversation. He started this next bit with what I’m going to refer to as an “existential teenage edgelord sigh” and hope that my readers will most likely know the sound I’m alluding to:

Yeah, I was in Amsterdam recently…”

I cut him off:

Spare us.”

He didn’t say anything after that and must have gone back upstairs not too long after because I don’t remember seeing him again that night. I was mean – the kid was only twenty one and in an unenviable position socially but I can be extremely unforgiving in matters of aesthetics. I wasn’t expecting him to be his father but I did expect him to have more of a personality than just “weed”. I’m sure he does and I just caught him in a bad moment – I’ve said this before in another situation where I was making a half-handed excuse for another person I didn’t really like but “we’ve all said stupid shit while attempting to fit in”.

When Bob Cassilly died from rolling over his bulldozer I heard a rumor that Max had been non-lethally shot a week or so earlier as a warning to pay off some significant cocaine debts. I only learned recently that a second autopsy concluded that the bulldozer accident had been staged and Bob was actually murdered – beaten to death. I can’t remember where I even heard the cocaine thing, relegating it to hearsay, but I did get the vibe from some of the “St. Louis Party Girls” that Max was always down to party and generous with the drug.

I wonder if there might be some larger connection between the two incidents but I’m not really close to the situation and don’t know anything solid. Max seems to do quite a bit of work at the City Museum now, along with some other projects, and generally appears to have moved past the total fuck-up phase. I can’t say that I would have done any better if I’d ended up with such a culturally iconic father I could never escape being negatively compared to – I really can’t even imagine what that’s like.

Regardless I didn’t start this piece to talk about Max Cassilly – I wanted to talk about this kid from the clique of nerdy film, comic book and video game enthusiasts I hung out with for my last couple years of High School. This crew convened, with the addition of one Peter Pan-like middle aged school teacher, at the La Mesa house where Ben, Chris and James Pearce lived. This corresponded with the time that my friend Tim was in the USC film program and along with a constant stream of improvised camcorder movies everybody worked on his black and white Super 8 films and one full color claymation short.

Spencer’s father wasn’t especially well known as an artist but their North County home was saturated with his paintings. He had a singular vision – every canvas I ever saw featured colossal nude women made of bricks and stone in the form of buildings. People, mainly men, looked out from windows set into the heads and torsos while most of the doors were in the same predictable place. His fascination clearly had a sexual element but none of the works I ever saw were especially lewd.

Having lived in Tijuana I wonder if Roger, Spencer’s father, was ever aware of or had the opportunity to visit the example of this particular architectural folly known as La Mona de Tijuana. I used to take buses to the dilapidated neighborhood by the border to visit this structure but was often run off by packs of wild dogs. In fact LaPorsha and I had met with Armando Muñoz, the sculptor/architect, to discuss holding our wedding in a second, mermaid shaped building he’d built in Rosarito called La Sirena.

His proposed fees were outside of our price range so instead we held the ceremony in the base of a seventy-five foot tall sculpture of the Christian Messiah called Cristo del Sagrado Corazón. We actually probably could have even done things for free in La Mona if we’d really wanted but ending the ceremony next to a beach and sand dunes with ATV rentals sounded more appealing for our guests than a depressing poverty-stricken neighborhood patrolled by aggressive canines.

On the topic of La Mona it might interest any readers planning to visit it or merely glancing at the attached photo to learn that the distinctive pose in which the female figure holds her arm is intended to be symbolic of Tijuana itself: the uplifted appendage is roughly the shape of the state of Baja California and the raised pinky corresponds with the city’s position in the northernmost corner against the International border.

One of the last times I went to see it I ran into a resident of the neighborhood who seemed to have a heavy case of what is referred to as malinchismo: a cultural inferiority complex against Mexico and in favor of the United States. The phenomenon is named for Malinche – the native woman who was instrumental in Cortés conquering the Aztec Empire.

La Mona has fallen into significant disrepair and is covered in hastily scribbled spray-paint graffiti. He demanded to know, in English, why I, an American, would go out of my way to look at something he viewed as an eyesore overdue for demolition. I answered him in my stilted, overly formal Spanish:

A veces las cosas destruidas tienen una belleza única.”

For those who don’t understand the language – “sometimes destroyed things possess a unique beauty”. Without a moment’s hesitation he answered back, once again in English:

No. No they don’t.”

It didn’t feel like there was anywhere left for our conversation to go. Like La Mona herself it had found itself on the precipice of a border rendered uncrossable by custom and circumstance.

Anyway back to Spencer’s father Roger:

I only met him a couple of times and he sadly passed away from health complications while Spencer and I were still in High School. I was able to locate his obituary and a small profile on a database of American artists but I couldn’t seem to dig up images of any of his paintings.

When I moved back home from Chicago to San Diego in the Winter of 2001 I got an unexpected call from Spencer. We had never been particularly close but he had heard through the grapevine that I had gotten into drugs which remained taboo, or at least a subject of disinterest, for most of our friend group. I wasn’t doing much beyond hanging around my parent’s house so I took a sequence of buses up to Clairemont or whatever it was to hang out.

Spencer would have been twenty at this point in time but his entire personality was like the bravado of a fourth grader with a stolen beer or cigarette. He’d just gotten some wisdom teeth removed which always netted a small bottle of Vicodin in these days before the stricter sentencing guidelines. I had never taken the stuff, having jumped straight to heroin after getting some Tylenol with codeine from Canada, and I didn’t think too much of its effects.

After we both swallowed a couple of the pills Spencer wanted to try ingesting it in the stupidest way imaginable – crushing a pill down to powder and smoking it on top of marijuana which obviously doesn’t work. Hanging out with him felt like looking at a pair of sunglasses on a puppy – drugs were a self conscious accessory to come off as “bad” and “cool” in a way that just didn’t click with me. We went outside to smoke a cigarette, prompting this piece of deep philosophy:

I like to call it a pack of moments…”

We didn’t hang out again. Besides the weed and Vicodin it sounded like he’d mostly been using and selling acid – I didn’t introduce him to needles or anything harder and he eventually found at least the second one of these things himself. In the following years I got prescribed Vicodin at least a couple of times when my own wisdom teeth came out but I was already back to injecting heroin at that point and didn’t notice much of anything from it this time either.

In early 2010 I did a cold water extraction on some Vicodin that I’d gotten from a neighbor and finally discovered what all the “buzz” was about, as it were. An oral dose of around 60 mg of hydrocodone combined with a tolerance that had returned to near baseline levels after six or more months of abstinence led to an intoxication that shines brighter in my memory than my first time injecting heroin. The pills that had been the major gateway drugs for most of America’s opiate epidemic only revealed their charms to me at this relatively late stage and I spent the next few years periodically chasing after them in a variety of inventive ways.

I heard a story about Spencer a few years after our 2001 meetup. The Pearces had a grandmother they referred to as “gramonster” because she was evidently scary. She lived alone and spent all of her time between a kitchen, bathroom and couch in front of a loud television without apparently setting foot into the bedrooms toward the rear of her home for years. This allowed Spencer, who’d presumably been kicked out by his own mother, to utilize a rear exit and squat inside her home with her undetected for a significant length of time.

I can’t remember who I heard this story from but I missed a lot of details most relevantly who eventually caught him and whether there was a confrontation. The story was that he was “selling drugs out of her house” but I don’t know how true that is. It seems unlikely that he would have served a constant stream of customers through the back door as that would have dramatically raised the risk of discovery but I suppose nothing’s impossible and it certainly makes for an entertaining mental image.

I did a bit of digging around and discovered a 2017 article in MovieMaker Magazine about aspiring but incarcerated film makers. I’ll drop a link underneath this paragraph but apparently Spencer eventually got into counterfeiting money which caught the attention of the FBI and earned him some prison time. I wonder how much overlap there ended up being between our stories although my own criminal career was made up of arguably “victimless” offenses and never got me into serious trouble.

https://www.moviemaker.com/misguided-visionaries-these-three-moviemakers-are-getting-their-start-from-behind-bars/

One of the last Super 8 short films that Tim and I worked on, and the only one to feature Spencer, was a piece called Two Plus Two Minus. It centered around two “good” and two “bad” characters in the most Boolean possible morality. I portrayed one of the evildoers as the self styled “King of the Bums” with a banana peel crown and the aforementioned older teacher as my sycophantic toady. To really cement our moral alignment we violently robbed one of the good characters who was attempting to raise money to help the homeless.

I wouldn’t exactly call the role “prophetic” but I did end up homeless for several years and often wore what could be called “loud statement” outfits during this period though I never aspired to represent any kind of royalty. I did spend a bit of time standing by freeway exits with a cardboard sign for money – an activity that is briefly represented in the film albeit with a very different sign.

Homeless Hungry God Bless” usually gets the job done. It would have been an interesting experiment to see what kind of reactions the sign from the movie, “I’m the King of the Bums. Pay me tribute!”, would have garnered in contrast but because I needed to maximize my earnings and retain the good will of wherever I’d found myself I never tried it.

I can’t exactly remember what Spencer’s character was like in the film besides being one of the good ones. If my memory serves correctly our friend Gerry, who happened to be Mexican-American, was the other bad character as a house burglar. The creation of the characters leaned heavily into negative tropes and stereotypes but it’s understandable that Tim didn’t detect any inkling that Spencer would be better cast as the future crook. Even looking at more recent photos there is an goofiness and innocence to them – more like a kid playing out ideas from movies of what a criminal is than an actual danger to society.

I don’t know if I even understand anymore what point I was trying to make when I first started writing this piece several days ago except that I hadn’t written for some time and had lost the momentum that kept me churning out pieces on a near daily basis earlier this Winter. According to the above article Spencer still aspires to creativity and it’s not like I’ve spent the majority of my life as a creative dynamo myself but it felt like he spent some time embodying the total fuckup archetype and I wondered if having a creative father might have played some role.

Mostly I’ve done a lot of talking shit and putting other people’s business on blast. I’m reminded of an incident in New Orleans – a city with an above average share of the dress in black, play in a rock band, work as a bouncer and get into fights over bullshit subculture. Somebody I knew from San Diego had become a key figure in this cohort and some of his droogs overheard me referring to him as a “tweaker”. They went to grab him in eager expectation of watching him deal out an ass kicking in retaliation for the insult. When he saw me he laughed:

This guy? Last time I saw this guy he was so fucked up on heroin he was practically passing out in the gutter!”

What can I say? It’s nice to be remembered.

https://zerstyrschonheit.home.blog/

Berlin 2009 : “You Shut Up! Police Speak English!”

I went to the movie theater and watched Infinity Pool today. Be forewarned that reading onward could constitute a *SPOILER* in the mildest possible sense of the word but the movie got me thinking about getting arrested in foreign countries and how the experience exists on a continuum between Kafkaesque Nightmare and Extreme Tourism. I don’t deliberately go out of my way to find myself on the wrong side of the law in nations that I am not a citizen of but I have done it multiple times.

I’ve already written about my experiences in a Mexican carcel and at even greater length about the complex logistics behind securing the release of a former fiancée who had found herself with serious charges. If reading the chapter “Napoleonic Dynamite” isn’t enough of a vicarious thrill traveling to Tijuana personally should nearly guarantee the opportunity to at least attract some negative attention from the Federales. For readers without a passport New Orleans and the entire state of Louisiana operate under a similar but distinct legal system that can feel thrillingly arbitrary.

This particular chapter is going to be about exploring the penal system of Germany which felt especially Kafkaesque given that everything was in the “original language”. For those that haven’t visited Germany the nation’s cultural emphasis on conformity and following the rules can be especially jarring to Americans who are more accustomed to blind, unerring dedication to individualism. The main difference to me was that the average German citizen seemed to have complete faith in the idea that people can tell other people what to do.

I’ve got a couple anecdotes to illustrate this point but the first one has the added advantage of highlighting another celebrated German trait: their famous sense of humor. While we were preparing our experimental opera, Fever of Unknown Origin, we composed, practiced and recorded the louder musical parts in a popular set of practice spaces located in a former secret police headquarters in East Berlin’s Lichtenberg district. We started sussing out another band in the building’s hallways and elevator and I decided to break the ice in the international language of bass player jokes.

I told the famous one about determining whether or not a stage was level by confirming that the bass player was drooling from both sides of his mouth. After quietly translating for one another and some subdued laughs of appreciation my counterpart, the most bilingual and extroverted of their group, fired back with one of his own:

Why have bass players always to be ugly?”

Before we could even formulate the requisite question he was excitedly delivering the somewhat baffling punchline:

Because they have to!”

I must admit that this one had me puzzled for a decent amount of time. The other band members were laughing and the bass player revealed his identity by grumbling in irritation so there was no denying that this had actually been a joke. At first I told myself that some subtle bit of humor was being lost in translation but eventually I realized that I was overthinking things. The point was that people have to do what you tell them to: that was the joke. The bass player was angry because now that this sentiment had been verbalized he had no choice but to become ugly.

The second anecdote was more of an ongoing scenario that I gained perspective on as my visit progressed. I had been noticing Germans from all walks of life calling after their dogs in exasperation as the animals disregarded their commands and frolicked in amusement. I was the only member of the American contingent to speak or understand the language at all but I wasn’t so well versed in it that I would comprehend overheard speech without making a conscious effort.

I usually didn’t understand the exact words that the Germans were shouting after the dogs but the energy and emotion were unmistakable. Drew was the one who finally put it into perspective. These kinds of deep cultural intuitions surrounding the interactions between humans and animals are something of a specialty of his. When I first visited New Orleans he told me about being struck with how much the city’s cats acted like people on his own first visit: they wandered the streets at all hours and often slept at odd hours in unexpected places.

Eventually he realized that these traits fall under completely normal cat behavior and what he was actually noticing was how much the city’s people act like cats.

After we had been in Berlin for a long time Drew began to realize that the same exasperated tone that everybody was using in their interactions with their dogs could also be heard in their interactions with us. He put it together that it all came down to what was a dogmatic belief in the power of telling other people and animals what to do on the part of the Germans and an absolute immunity to that power in the case of some dogs and some Americans. Mostly Drew saw some familiarity in the delight on the dog’s faces as they hurriedly trotted away from commands that they couldn’t even understand and this was because he’d been doing the exact same thing.

It was also Drew who made the observation that when I started speaking to the Germans in their own tongue the manner in which they viewed me shifted considerably at a certain point in nearly every interaction: I would begin as an entertaining curiosity but inevitably shift to being a talking dog that needs to die. It should be noted that, like in the previous example, Drew’s assessment came only from his understanding of tone, body language and interpersonal dynamics. The meaning of the words themselves had no influence on him.

I mention this because I’m about to tell you what I was actually saying. As the group’s de facto translator it would have made sense for me to introduce the other project members, promote our upcoming performance project and that sort of thing. Instead I weaponized my knowledge: a night’s drinking would start off with lots of asking for absurdly long imaginary street names (hochseewaldbergturschlossvogelkatzestrasse for example) but then profusely apologizing for being a dirty Jew that they had the misfortune of interacting with because their grandparents neglected to kill mine.

I’m not actually angry at the contemporary Germans for what happened during the Holocaust and of course they have done a much better job at acknowledging and attempting to amend for their past atrocities than, to pick a random example, the United States and our dark history with slavery and systemic racism. At nearly thirty years old I was just a bit of an edgelord and enjoyed making people uncomfortable. The previous Summer in Australia I had noticed that it made (white Australian) people squirm whenever I mentioned the Indigenous Australians or referred to their existence:

What’s going on these days with the Abos?”

“You don’t call them Abos!”

Fair enough, what should I call them instead?”

“You don’t call them anything!”

Anyway none of this has much to do with why I found myself in a German lockup. I have referred to Fever of Unknown Origin as an experimental opera but maybe it would be more accurate to say unscripted opera. The twenty or so project members more or less organically created whatever sets, costumes and music we felt like making and then presented these things on stage in a more or less random order. Lisers had secured public arts funding for this project but nearly all of it went to flying everybody to Germany.

The musical equipment was secured ahead of time and waiting for us but all of those sets and costumes had to be made of something. We combed flea markets, frequented what everybody called the “Turkish Market” and did a lot of digging through the trash. Somebody had cased out a space along the canal that we were all calling a garbage dump but in hindsight would probably be better described as a recycling center. We decided to pick through it under cover of night by climbing over fences and left our passports back at the shared workspace in case we ran into trouble.

Every German I spoke to about this experience afterward asked me why we didn’t just show up during business hours and ask to pick through the refuse nicely but I would put the whole thing down as a cultural misunderstanding. In the United States we had gotten comfortable with the consistent reality that spaces of this type would be unlikely to be patrolled or guarded because they didn’t really contain anything of value. In the 1998 Berkeley home I mentioned we lived next to a tow yard and made a hobby out of coming over the fence to rifle through the sequestered cars.

Obviously we shouldn’t have been doing that but the lot seemed to be reserved for the most obviously abandoned vehicles. In all the time I lived there I never saw anybody coming to retrieve one and they didn’t even bother with a dog.

The other important detail that was unknown to us at the time was that all of this was taking place against the larger context of “Action Week”. In Drew’s words once again Action Week was an annual extended water balloon fight between the cops and anarchists. It was very much a team sport in that the anarchists were trying to squat or gain access to as many buildings as possible during this week and the cops were trying extra hard to make a big show of preventing this.

At the end of the week the two sides would tally up their various wins and losses and hopefully renew their faith in the importance and validity of being either a cop or anarchist respectively. I don’t think there was an official trophy that got passed back and forth or scoreboards but things like arresting trespassers took on outsized importance during this week. This time around things were going to culminate in a highly publicized attempt to squat the decommissioned Tempelhof Airport that ended up not being successful.

The bigger thing was that a security guard had apparently been killed with a gun somewhere along the canal a day or two before the night that we picked to sneak into the recycling center. This probably didn’t have anything to do with “Action Week” but for the arbiters of Law and Order all of it most likely felt very much connected. What I’m trying to get at is that tensions were especially high during this little window of time and if we had been more aware of these various factors it is likely that we would have reconsidered.

I think that there were originally six of us. We were having a grand time looking through the garbage for things that might be useful in constructing sets or costumes when we suddenly noticed that the darkness was being interrupted by an abnormally bright flashlight beam and somebody was yelling “HALT!” Nearly everybody scattered and made their way over one of the different fences but in that moment I turned to a companion who was frozen in fear:

I’m not running.”

I knew that they didn’t speak a word of German even though they had been in the country for a little over a month longer than most of the group. I didn’t doubt that I probably could have escaped if I chose to run in that moment but my immediate instinct was to not leave my companion to face the German Criminal Justice System alone. Part of this decision was that my companion was gender non-conforming at the time: they used feminine pronouns but looked masculine and had facial hair. I’m not sure if they are as comfortable with people knowing that they ended up in a German Jail Cell as I am so I will be referring to them as Clydesdale.

Once the security guard had arrived to apprehend us he turned out to be extremely square jawed, blonde haired, blue eyed and in the company of a large trained German Shepherd. I want to reiterate that this person was only doing their job and we were breaking the law and all of these features were merely coincidences based on the country I had chosen to break it in before I mention that this was all extremely triggering to me as a Jewish person. I explained the relative innocence of what we were up to as best as I could and pleaded with him to release us with a warning but he was determined to hand us over to the actual police.

This turned into a whole lot of waiting. In the interim before the actual police could arrive a recycling and garbage truck arrived to unload the refuse it had collected. The drivers of the truck were two Black men in the nearly universal embroidered coveralls of sanitation workers. We shifted our tactics to pleading with them to help us to escape from our captor but of course they couldn’t have done that without exposing themselves to some kind of disciplinary action and they didn’t actually know what we had done to wind up in trouble in the first place.

What did end up happening almost immediately was that the German Shepherd became extremely aggressive toward the Black sanitation workers – far more aggressive than it had been to either of us at any point leading up to this. I’ve been responsible for the care and behavior of a racist dog in the past and know that the animals can develop these biases without being explicitly trained for them but still find it notable that all of the body language, context and commands should have highlighted my companion and I as the greatest threat in the situation but none of that could hold a candle to the effects produced by these men having a darker skin color.

The sanitation workers left and the actual police finally arrived. When we had decided to leave our Passports behind the idea was that if we did find ourselves in this exact situation we could invent names and identities and be released leaving an imaginary person to deal with the long term consequences. The German artist who had masterminded the entire project had actually been in this exact situation in the United States although I should specify that it happened under the somewhat looser Louisiana Code.

Anyway the German police were having none of this. Our Passports were back at the Kreuzberg apartment that everybody had been using as a project art studio and command center. Nothing that was happening there was against the law but I was determined not to bring the police around out of a general sense of “punk etiquette”. No matter how severe their threats became I was determined to call their bluff – reasoning that one of our friends could probably eventually bring the Passports to a station. One of the cops was becoming so frustrated that he stomped on the ground like an indignant toddler:

No! You listen to police!”

I didn’t but Clydesdale did. Their instinct was probably correct as this got things moving and there weren’t really any repercussions for the project at large. Once we were parked underneath the studio the same power struggle repeated as to whether or not we would bring them upstairs. I wanted them to keep one of us and send the other one up but they were very apprehensive about the prospect of that person locking the door behind them and mocking them from the window.

This fear was so powerful that one of the cops literally went through the pantomime of holding their hands on each side of their head and sticking out their tongue. I had been to a Limp Wrist show at the famous squat Kopi that represented exactly the kind of thing that the cops were afraid of. Testaments to the powerlessness of the police and everything they represented. The fact that all of this was happening during the aforementioned “Action Week” must have added considerably to these misgivings.

Inevitably they ended up bringing us upstairs and going through the cop routine of poking into everything to try to find something to catch us up on. The apartment was legally rented, it’s use as a studio was within acceptable zoning use and the terms of the lease, everybody there had a visa in perfect order. I should mention here that in recent talks with a few of my International artist and musician friends I’ve learned that the United States has made it essentially impossible for them to visit and perform and Germany was and still is far more progressive in this regard.

Anyway with so many artists working out of a single studio with a single kitchen and nobody having much money there had been the usual conflicts about people eating each other’s food and somebody had left a hand written sign on the refrigerator with the instruction to “steal food from stores” as opposed to taking it from your fellow artists. One of the cops had stumbled across this sign and could hardly contain their paroxysms of vindicated authority:

Aha! What is this?”

Clydesdale looked over and in a brilliant flash of inspiration realized that the word “stores” had been written with the kind of lower case “r” that is just ambiguous enough to pass or be mistaken for a “v”.

What? It says steal food from stoves.”

The cops were incredulous but, as if we were Improv Actors, I quickly supported their statement with a monster of a “yes and”:

Yeah! It means you can’t take other people’s food out of the refrigerator but if they cook something and leave it sitting on the stove then it’s fair game!”

This explanation had enough punk-vérité veracity and internal logic to satisfy the peace officers. For several minutes there was an excited general chatter as they translated my explanation for each other and regarded it in admiration like an elegant solution to a puzzle. It wasn’t like they could have used the original wording of the sign as sufficient evidence to prosecute anybody for anything but at the very least they would have ferreted through the fridge and harassed us over it’s contents.

The thing about the lie is that it both clicked into the idiosyncratic way that Germans tend to speak the English language and was possibly too well constructed for them to believe that we would have been capable of inventing it in the first place. Or maybe I’m just overthinking this like every other detail of every other thing that either exists or could be imagined to exist in the universe. Still, it’s an entertaining thought.

This brought us to the conclusion of the entire power struggle over the Passports arc. Now there was nothing left to do but bring us down to their station and lock us into rooms until they decided to release us again. The one that had thrown the little tantrum with the stomping felt to me like he was silently gloating just a little bit so I told him that he was no better than a vampire in that he hadn’t been able to come inside until he’d actually been invited.

He said “Quiet, or I kill you!” in a kind of goofy voice, maybe like an exaggerated Eastern European accent, and sort of mumble-explained that he was remembering it as a funny line from a television show or movie rather than actually saying it to me saying it to me. Obviously he just wanted to say it to me but needed some penumbra of plausible deniability in the very unlikely event that I would try to make it a whole thing with the U.N. and everything.

We got to the processing place to be processed. Mine went by fairly quickly because I was slightly bilingual or got a processing officer that was better with English. Clydesdale’s processing was more of an ordeal. The officer asked them their eye color and they said “hazel” but the cops had no idea what to make of this. I said “hell braun” and the officer lightly grunted in irritation. Things ground to a halt with the next question:

Do you paint your body?”

“What?!”

Do you paint your body?”

I explained to them that he was trying to ask if they had any distinctive tattoos but my second interjection made the processing officer angry. They probably felt that I was muddying the waters as to who was actually in charge. He shouted at me in anger:

You shut up! Police speak English!”

I thought this was especially funny because of how true it wasn’t but there was nothing funny about the next thing that happened. The officers wanted to know why Clydesdale’s Passport said “female”. We both explained that it said this because Clydesdale was female. The officers said something fucked up and ominous about making them “prove” it but then dropped the matter when we asked them what the fuck they meant. Anyway I don’t want to lessen how fucked up this was and I have no idea what they might have done if I hadn’t been there.

The officers didn’t actually violate their human rights by making them submit to a genital inspection and obviously I know that that level of humiliation comes standard issue with being arrested in the United States but seeing as that isn’t the case in Germany making somebody submit to it because you don’t think they are gender-conforming enough is on another level of fucked up.

We got put in separate cells. Narrow things made out of cement. Mine had blood on the wall. Somebody would have been banging their head against it before I got there. Squirrels freak out when you trap them in a box, go crazy scratching at the bars until their claws bleed. Or that’s what I heard – I’ve never actually seen it first hand. I did catch some juvenile opossums once and they just grabbed the bars with their tiny human-like hands and waited.

Anyway I was more of an opossum type compared to whoever had gotten their blood on the wall and would have been a squirrel type. I was going to say that I was used to it but after doing a little bit of math in my head I realized that this was only my second time getting locked up ever. The first one would have been riding freight trains in Southern Illinois. Both times in Mexico and a couple more times in the United States would all be coming later.

Ryan Riehle told me that he was once arrested in Mexico while carrying dynamite and ended up using it to cause enough structural damage to escape from the Mexican prison but I wasn’t actually there to attest to whether this is 100% true or not.

It was a lot of hours later but still dark outside when they let me out. The math for this part actually feels a little off because of how short the nights are in Berlin during the Summer. It would take forever to get dark and then get light again in no time at all. The whole Summer I was there I only ended up going to bed before the sun came back up twice. Still it was dark when we got caught in the recycling center and dark when they let me out: I’m not gonna sit here and argue with my own senses.

I didn’t learn a ton about Berlin’s transit system because I went nearly everywhere with a bike. Wherever they let me out of I didn’t see any trains around so I figured out how to walk back to Kreuzberg and walked back to Kreuzberg. For this next part I feel like I need to describe how I was dressed. I was wearing metallic silver leggings, a metallic knit King Tut motif sweater and a lot of colorful eye makeup. I had long hair and was clean shaven at this point in time.

I referred to myself as “goth” during this time period but most of the people I interacted with might not have described it that way. I had actually gotten into a minor argument with a Rastafarian in a trendy Berlin dance music club a few days before this incident on this very question but then I realized that the whole thing was a miscommunication and he actually thought I was claiming to be God.

Anyway when a group of five men with close cropped hair dressed all in black came rushing up to apprehend me from out of the shadows my first thought was that they were homophobic Neo-Nazis and I was either about to get beat to death or come extremely close to it. At this point in the night I was too tired to put up much of a fight. To my relative good fortune they turned out to only be more police, under covers this time around, who thought that I looked “suspicious”.

“Action-Week” again, the gift that kept on giving.

I tried to explain to them that I had just come from detainment and the contents of my backpack had already been tossed over once that night so they need not have bothered. They were going to want to do it for themselves anyway. Once they established that I wasn’t carrying anything that I wasn’t supposed to be they told me that everything was “OK”. That definitely wasn’t the word I would have used but at least I was free to go.

I got back to the studio in Kreuzberg and was finally able to go to sleep. The sun had come up at this point – this wasn’t one of the two nights. Our anti authoritarian American ways continued to bring us into friction with a large swathe of Germans. At one point Lisers complained to me that we all needed “to be more German” and I explained to her that if that was what she had wanted she probably could have saved a ton of money on air fare. One night Popsicle and I discovered a small loft with a mattress in the Basso space where we were installing the show and decided to sleep on it. The next morning somebody discovered us and was unhappy about it:

I don’t know how free you usually are…”

I felt like this couldn’t possibly be true.

I was pretty certain it was something we were famous for.

Us Americans I mean.

https://zerstyrschonheit.home.blog/

Thank You, We’re Occasional Detroit. This Was Our Last Show. We Just Broke Up.

This winter writing project went through a lot of different incarnations in my head before ending up as what it is. The question as to what this thing even is is already a ticklish one. I don’t add very many links or photos because the only way I can bring myself to write this stuff is by believing it will end up as a physically published book but the current reality is that it is almost certainly a blog. Similarly I like to refer to these pieces as an ethnography, travelogue, rock journalism, picaresque novel or anything else other than the thing that it almost certainly is: a memoir.

The earliest seed of what you are now reading came about through a desire to correct a perceived injustice in 2016 and was almost entirely unrelated to telling my own story: I wanted to tell Occasional Detroit’s story. I think the trigger was LaPorsha being offered a role she declined in a music video for the rapper Antwon. I may as well mention that the role was to do some standard “video ho” shit that she wouldn’t have accepted in a million years and the dude turned out to be a straight up rapist but the incident took on importance for completely different reasons: it made me realize that the noise-rap trend had become ubiquitous.

I’m not sure if it would have made a difference but I probably came to this realization on the tail end of the trend as opposed to whatever you would call the other end, I guess the head end? Kanye West had released his experimental influenced album Yeezus three years earlier in 2013 and both Death Grips and clipping. had been around since the turn of the decade. I had even shared a bill at The Smell with clipping. way back in 2009 but it wasn’t until this declined video offer in 2016 that I began to view things in the form of an injustice that I might be able to help correct:

I felt like the music and culture outlets of the day were presenting noise-rap as a phenomenon that had suddenly materialized out of thin air and nobody was talking about the group that had actually pioneered the genre: Occasional Detroit

I can’t pretend like I even know how to get a piece published in an art and culture outlet now but I’m pretty sure I was going about things in the wrong way then. I sent e-mail proposals to Vice, SPIN and every author that had written articles about the more popular noise-rap artists but I never heard anything back. It probably would have made more sense to just write the piece up, I had gotten in touch with Towondo and Demetrisa, and then shop it around in at least first draft form.

When I started writing these pieces back in October I had decided that I could revisit the idea of a profile or interview once I had gotten a book published or otherwise established myself as a voice on the intersection of art, music and DIY culture I have been referring to as the American Underground. I felt like we had all the time in the world. In our last messages from April of 2020 Towondo was talking about having a huge archive in his mother’s basement ranging from VHS tapes from an early tour with Wolf Eyes to Master DVDs from a public access television show they’d done in Albuquerque.

I don’t know how to copy and paste text from Facebook messages so I’m just going to drop in an image of the last message here:

I found out today that Towondo “Beyababa” Clayborn passed away in December of 2021. I must have somehow missed the news around the time it happened. I’m not including this information to satisfy anyone’s morbid curiosity but to prevent any unsavory assumptions: Towondo was diagnosed with a rare form of blood cancer that ultimately killed him. Deme is going by AkashaG and doing well in Phoenix, Arizona. It looks like the interview I had planned won’t be happening and the piece I had always envisioned as a profile will now be more accurately described as a tribute.

In the first decade of the 2000s a lot of different artists in the American Underground were exploring a thing I referred to as “extreme noise tour lifestyle”. The artistic values of our community were centered on experimentation, iconoclasm and transgression. People were pursuing these ideas with what they presented as music, how the members of a group were composed, their stage performances, the presentation of recordings and other merchandise as physical objects and eventually in the unconventional methods of traveling between shows.

Some examples would be Friends Forever playing outside of the actual venues in a Volkswagen Type 2, John Benson creating a bus as mobile concert venue and a band from Boise, Idaho called Monster Dudes where a father toured with his young son on drums from the time he was three years old. Occasional Detroit approached this in a way that consistently blurred the lines behind life and art and kept their contemporaries guessing how much of what they were watching was an “act”.

The American Noise scene that developed in the wake of the Seattle Grunge Explosion is generally thought of as a white and culturally middle class phenomenon but Occasional Detroit rank among the earliest artists of the movement. It’s hard to think of a more successful name in noise than Wolf Eyes whose 2004 Burned Mind album brought critical acclaim, reviews in main stream music publications and a national tour with Sonic Youth. O-D and Wolf Eyes actually started in the same town, Ypsilanti, and frequently performed and even toured together.

I don’t know a lot about the earliest days of the group and figured that instead of repeating second hand information I should just write about the incarnation I was actually familiar with: the duo of Towondo and Demetrisa. I first met and performed with them at a 2005 Festival called the Che Cafe Super Pizza Party. I was in an actual band for the first time in my life but had finagled a way to perform all three days of the Festival under different project names.

That’s another piece of the conceptual envelope pushing that everybody was concerned with in those days.

Anyway I was freestyle rapping as Gypsy Feelings and instead of an electronic beat I had a live drummer behind me, kind of doing a vaudeville comedy style thing. I’m trying to figure out who this would have been but it’s nearly impossible: nearly every band there had a drummer and I was friends with almost all of them. I was doing a piece called What’s Your Name? that centered on asking audience members this question then ad-libbing rhyming insults based on their answer. When I came to Towondo he answered with “Occasional Detroit” and kind of threw me for a loop because that’s a lot of syllables but I must have come up with something.

That quickly created some rapport, no pun intended, between us because there weren’t a lot of rappers in the scene at the time. When it was time for O-D to perform they went into a medley of rap duets, rambling freestyles and abstract sound collages. Suddenly Deme dropped to the ground and started violently convulsing while foaming at the mouth. Towondo dropped down next to her and started shaking her and calling out in what looked and sounded like genuine panic and concern. There might have been somebody in the audience that had been touring with them and knew the score but all of us locals fell for it completely – jaws on the floor as they say.

The old Alka-Seltzer tablet in the mouth trick…

I remember them disappearing for almost the entirety of the next day of the Festival and then emerging from the spacious woods behind the venue near night fall. I asked Deme where they’d been:

I just needed some nature in my life.”

I want to shy away from any racial stereotypes, be they negative or positive ones, but I think we can all agree that when the term “free spirit” is applied to people from a broadly White American cultural background it inevitably sounds like some degree of privilege is involved but when applied to people from a broadly Black American cultural background the connotations are different. Like the difference between trying on a “freak” persona as a brief and interesting diversion on the way to a comfortable life versus fully embracing the “freak” identity with the instinctual knowledge that you will be bearing the full weight of that freak-dom.

This brings us to the next piece of the story. The main volunteers at the Che Cafe in those years lived in a Hillcrest house that also hosted parties and shows. A few of the groups from the Festival had been crashing there including Occasional Detroit but they disappeared after a week or so most likely at the first intimation of a “worn out welcome”. The kids at the house were pretty certain that they hadn’t left town completely because they had left a keyboard behind but didn’t think too much about it.

Several months later they showed back up for the keyboard and casually mentioned they’d been living between Tijuana and the Saint Vincent DePaul Homeless Shelter. At this point in my life I’ve been through a nearly identical lifestyle but in 2005 it was pretty mind blowing. When I talked to my friends about it the general sentiment was that while most noise artists aspired toward reckless abandon in their art Occasional Detroit were on a whole other level – actually living it.

I know that we kept in touch to some degree after this Festival but my next clear memories are from 2010. I can’t remember if I had hit them up before the 2010 Generation tour or if it had just been a chance encounter in Denver and unfortunately all the MySpace era messages are lost. Deme was performing solo at an all women’s festival called Tit Wrench in Rhinoceropolos and Towondo was a little salty that he wouldn’t be allowed to play. It probably didn’t help that I was invited to play the same event as an “honorary woman” due to having just had a bad show at the punk house personification of toxic masculinity.

Me and Deme played right next to each other in a loading bay. I noticed that we both used the same drum machine.

I asked Deme about her timeline and experiences in the group today so I am adding her response in order for her to be represented in her own words:

“I started playing with Occasional Detroit in 2001 & our last show was Parkview Riverside CA we tour the United State from the east coast to the west and south we still played local shows and and did lots of fundraisers I definitely feel bad about the situation told Towondo told me that he had a rare type of cancer and it was spreading through his body after he worked for the Cruise line he traveled all over the world we as Occasional Detroit will always be the best hip hop rock duo group ever to hit the noise generation I still make music and put out our old music”

We found out that they had just moved to Albuquerque, New Mexico and ended up needing a date in that general area for the return leg of our U.S. Tour. Towondo had just started working as a videographer, mostly weddings and stuff, and they were living in one of those generic apartment complexes with carpeted floors and stair cases made of cement and metal. They had just gotten an orange kitten, probably a boy.

We played in a local bar or cafe, I forget which it was, and it was one of those sparsely attended indifferent crowd situations that pop up on every national tour. Their set escalated into an argument that seemed like a performance and totally real at the exact same time. Towondo shut off the electronics and grabbed the microphone:

Thank you, we’re Occasional Detroit. This was our last show. We just broke up.”

Now that I’ve been married for ten years I completely understand the energy. I can’t count the number of times that we’ve “broken up” and I’m sure we’ll be together for the rest of our lives. Towondo had told me that they separated in 2013 when I first hit him up about this writing project in 2016. I’m talking to Deme now and she tells me their last show was in 2006 and I’m not sure if that’s a typo but I guess it doesn’t really matter.

This piece can’t really be the thing that I conceived it as and unfortunately the interview will never happen now and this isn’t the best platform but I think the best move was to just write it. Maybe the platform will grow or it will end up on a larger one. Ultimately the noise-rap thing was a trend and what Occasional Detroit was about was always so much bigger than that. I hope that this gets to people who are interested in the genre and it’s history but you can’t make people care about things.

I never knew Towondo’s family but I hope that this gets to them and they know that what he did with Occasional Detroit mattered to people. The Noise community has gotten a lot more diverse in recent years but around the turn of the Millenium you could have counted the number of Black Women in Experimental Music on a single hand and it is absolutely overdue for Demeat, now AkashaG, to be recognized as a trailblazer and icon. I’m not sure if that box of tapes, DVDs and videos still exists in a basement somewhere but if it does whoever is taking care of it should know that there are people who are interested and want to see it.

I’ll help in any way I can.

https://zerstyrschonheit.home.blog/

Los Angeles 2016 : Twenty Nine Palms “Lord Don’t Let Them Fuck Around And Give Me Diego”

We had tried the Tijuana thing and finally gotten married on paper although we considered ourselves married after the third night we spent together. The secret to a legally binding Tijuana wedding is to just get the paperwork from the appropriate offices on the US side ahead of time and then as long as an officiant and witness signs it you are good. We tried New Orleans after that but LaPorsha never really liked it there. The thing about racism in America is that it comes in regional varieties like pizza or the name for carbonated, sweetened beverages. You can be completely inoculated to California style racism but find Louisiana style racism untenable or vice-versa.

We were starting to be on heroin and, socially speaking, that never really helps.

Back in California LaPorsha got too sleepy on an early morning Los Angeles to San Diego drive and rear ended somebody with the Diesel Mercedes. We didn’t realize the impact had destroyed the hood latch and ended up shattering our windshield the moment we got back up to the freeway’s required 60. The engine on that thing would have lasted forever – the odometer had been stuck somewhere in the 300k range when we bought it from Kelman and when he bought it from whoever he got it from too. It was an ‘81 and I’m pretty certain it had been crushing miles every year in the interim without ever sitting dry-docked.

We’d been through a lot with it. The radiator sprung a leak while we were trying to visit some kind of outsider artist sculpture garden a couple of hours outside of New Orleans. A friend came through with the Triple A connect to tow us back into town and I ended up with our radiator bungee corded to the back of a bike to visit a shop that still welded the leaks shut. Every town seems to have at least one diesel Mercedes guy – in New Orleans his name was Markus. He helped us put it back together.

We drove through rural Texas in acute withdrawal. LaPorsha finally succumbed to exhaustion and flipped us into a sandy berm. The local police got us a free motel room and in the morning it turned out that we only needed air put back into a couple tires. Imagine running onto sand from a paved parking lot while wearing flip flops and they kind of slip off your feet. That basically happened to the two tires on the passenger side. The tire shop charged me five bucks to put the air in and we were on our way.

The crazier story happened when we were living in an old motel in Joshua Tree. It had its own parking lot off the main drag with an empty swimming pool, decommissioned bus and a few dead cars and golf carts. It wasn’t actually fenced or walled off but we let ourselves get complacent and imagine that it was. It was actually just off of a kind of arroyo slash alley that served as a natural habitat for the small town’s tweakers. When we woke up to find the car missing we had probably been leaving the keys just sitting on the driver’s seat for a solid two weeks.

The thieves showed up on camera fueling it up at the only gas station in town a couple of blocks from where they took it. We were actually lucky they hadn’t put regular gas in it, destroying the diesel motor, I think most random tweaker joyriders would have. The trail went cold from there until a lady deeper in the desert spotted it abandoned on her property a couple days later. There was a tense moment when it seemed like she wasn’t going to tell us where it was but we got to the bottom of it. It turned out her and the motel owner were kind of rival Pit Bull hoarders and she didn’t want him knowing where she lived – understandably really because he totally sucked.

The Mercedes had gotten stuck driving into a patch of especially deep sand but that wasn’t the real problem. The thieves had kept or disposed of the keys along with everything else in the car including an impressive collection of porcelain Venetian Clowns from the high desert’s many thrift stores. The car was a luxury vehicle when new and therefore had been outfitted with some pretty heavy anti theft features. Without an actual key replacing the ignition tumbler would have required shattering some kind of pin in the steering column after distempering it with a blowtorch.

Despite the vehicle’s age it would have technically been possible to send off the VIN number and proof of ownership to Mercedes Benz of America and receive a duplicate key in the mail but for the fact that the doors and ignition had separate keys. This meant it was no longer the factory ignition. We called Kelman who called the person he bought it from who called the person he bought it from but nobody had a spare key stashed. We decided to pull it out of the sand first and tackle the key problem later.

The Pit Bull lady had a neighbor with a tractor who became very enthusiastic about the project. This enthusiasm led directly to a series of happy accidents. He started the process by attaching a hook and chain directly to the rear bumper. Now I don’t know a lot about cars but I do know what is a reasonable part of a heavy object to attach a chain to if you are trying to move it versus what is a thing that you will just pull off of that object. I probably know this because of trying to help the United States Coast Guard tow these crazy junk rafts that had no reasonable parts to attach chains to.

We showed up just as he was getting started in earnest and I began to walk towards his tractor to tell him he should reattach the hook to the A-frame. Thankfully before I could do that the entire rear bumper came sailing off and landed in the sand in front of the tractor. Inside that bumper was a small black Velcro pouch, inside that pouch was a spare key. Moving the car was easy after that – we just turned it on and put it in reverse with a lot of people pushing in the front and the tractor pulling in the back. Getting the bumper to stay back on was less easy but some twisted up coat hangers did the trick.

We went through a few other misadventures like this, mostly in the seasonal marijuana cultivation laborer industry, but the shattered windshield turned out to be more than we could seem to come back from. The engine was undamaged but the radiator was leaking water again. We did a couple of dope runs in this condition, frequently refilling the water and crossing our fingers that no one in authority would take umbrage with the shattered windshield, but eventually our faithful Mercedes was left to languish under a tarp.

We sold it to one of those guys that always seems to have a partially wooden homemade trailer for three hundred dollars.

LaPorsha decided that we should try getting a van and I was excited for any alternative to living back at my mother’s house. We had been making trips up to Los Angeles anyway and just pitching a tent in different parks to avoid having to stay at anybody’s place. A van that we could actually lay down and sleep in sounded like a definite improvement. We took the last trains and buses of the day to go look at a boxy white rape van in North County that said “great for homeless” right in the Craigslist ad.

The van cost nine hundred dollars and was basically fine but we did learn a couple of lessons about used vehicle shopping from the experience. The first one was that if buying a vehicle represents your only potential way of getting home from the unfamiliar area where you go to look at it you aren’t really “looking at it”. Our only option for not sleeping on the street that night was buying the van. The second lesson was to contact the DMV and find out how much back registration was owed on a vehicle. In this case it turned out to be three and a half thousand dollars so we just never registered it.

I really liked living in a van. We lived around this park in Beverly Hills with a Sikh Temple on the block. I read somewhere recently that they always have food for the homeless but they literally never offered – they seemed like yuppy Sikhs. We parked at a couple libraries a lot. We lived around Echo Park and did the thing where you have to move once a week. This weird DMV services office in Glassell Park just gave us free registration stickers to keep us from getting harassed. I started working at my old private tutoring job again.

Eventually LaPorsha got an appointment at this dentist office on Washington and Redondo and I realized there was a methadone clinic in the same building. I had tried it in Chicago when somebody was selling water soluble wafers and always thought it felt pretty similar to heroin. We were in a weird place with our use – LaPorsha would have never started using heroin had it not been for me but I would have never started using every day had it not been for her. I had always self regulated to avoid physical dependence but using as a couple removed this option. Methadone provided relief from the pressure of needing to find money for heroin on a daily basis.

It was still possible in those days to use the internet to find a few middles, people who wanted heroin but for a variety of reasons will never find a direct connection with a dealer themselves. In my experience these people complain relentlessly about their position in the food chain but never actually want to change it. There was a kid whose name had gotten saved as “Twentynine Palms” in my phone. I had saved the number of somebody who had land for sale in the town of that name and accidentally fused the contacts while high.

We got into a routine where he would call me, come pick me up and drive me over to my dealer who had already separated his purchase into his piece and my cut. We would talk about anxieties over recent political events on these drives: the prescient fear that the election of Donald Trump would lead directly to a repeal of the landmark case of Roe v. Wade. He would also talk about missing his family and how none of them could accept or understand his use:

I’m all by myself out here and heroin feels like a warm hug!”

Toward the end he would start to constantly complain about needing to give me a cut. He would make vague threats about recognizing my plug’s car and hanging around the neighborhoods he served to try to establish a primary connection. When we left town for a bit I actually did get the guy to agree to have his number passed along and see Twenty Nine Palms without me. I learned on a subsequent visit that he had never actually called. Despite his complaints it had been about his connection with me and having someone to talk to the entire time.

Another one of my middles was this guy from Malibu who drove and lived in a special van for grooming dogs. Him and his vehicle smelled disgusting – like freshly drained canine anal glands. We didn’t have the same friendly relationship and got into a protracted battle of ripping each other off. He bought a gram and I bulked it up with squished brown bread after taking too much. He sold me a “chunk” of dope that was actually a piece of heroin soaked cotton.

The last time I saw him I had accidentally bought fentanyl and nearly died trying to use it. I took the tiniest shot in our van outside of a needle exchange and ended up needing three full shots of Narcan to revive me. We were only carrying one but thankfully LaPorsha was able to run inside and get a volunteer to come help. I avoided the stuff like the plague after this but he had begun actively seeking it out. I guess he was ahead of the curve as it seems to be the only thing on the streets now.

I just now realized that this final transaction probably left him nervously looking over his shoulder because it was the only time I ever sold him exactly what was advertised at the proper price without tricks or subterfuge. I just wanted to unload the fentanyl so I could use the money I’d spent on it to buy tar somewhere.

Once we started parking the van near the methadone clinic and dosing on a daily basis we became involved with the surrounding community of mostly homeless patients. The neighborhood was full of alleys and close to the 10 Freeway providing plenty of areas to setup camps and park vehicles. LaPorsha often commented that methadone clinics and the surrounding ecosystem of their patients seemed to be some of the only places completely devoid of racial hierarchy or privilege. When everybody’s a homeless drug addict it doesn’t make that much difference what your skin color is.

There was this one shorter woman who went to the Clinic who seemed to have the maximum amount of hips and ass that can be achieved without some kind of body modifying surgery. She would dress in neon spandex bodysuits with a leather jacket and always dragged along her straight looking boyfriend who didn’t seem to dose or use other drugs. She would shoot up something in the bathroom, I’m assuming it was heroin and cocaine, and come out hellbent on humiliating and emasculating her boyfriend:

Oh Freddy… You’re such a child!”

There was something about her body language and the way she pronounced the name Freddy that made him look like he felt like he was about three inches tall. She would flirt mercilessly with the male patients but not me as I was always with LaPorsha. I end up getting hit on in front of her in spaces involving our white culture friends and punk/art/noise circles but never in these methadone clinics. It’s a cultural thing. People don’t constantly ask me if she’s trans the moment she’s out of earshot in the clinics either.

Our clinic was funded by a county program instead of Medi-Cal so all of us were technically supposed to go to meetings. It was basically a business though so they made sure we could keep dosing even if we refused to go. I’ve never been into the twelve step thing but these meetings seemed to be especially bad for anyone that was actually interested in getting sober. Few people looked higher than the guys who would be picking up their 90 Day or Five Year Chip and it seemed to be a lot more than a heroic dose of Methadone.

There was one counselor named Diego who was especially uptight about trying to chase everyone to the meetings. He was covered in tattoos and wore the black framed boxy glasses of an aging hardcore scene dude. He drove a VW Beetle done up in Dune Buggy fashion with the little yellow happy faces over the lights on top. He dressed in button ups and awkwardly pleated slacks and constantly gave off hall monitor energy. Even after months of clearly showing that we wouldn’t go to meetings and the program had no intention of cutting us off he would call out vague threats about it every time we left.

Everybody got assigned a counselor they had to meet with once a month or so for as long as they were dosing. Everybody said more or less the same thing:

Lord, don’t let them fuck around and give me Diego.”

We could miss three days in a row and after that we would have to do the whole intake thing again. The process took hours, you’d have to show up at five am to ensure that you’d actually be able to dose that day. There was a blood draw but that wasn’t even the worst part. The worst part was the ever present threat that they might finally assign you Diego.

Our van broke down and we parked it in front of an abandoned house. That was fine for months until an older saditty Black lady got pissed off about her husband trying to peek into the van to see LaPorsha changing. Of course she was mad at LaPorsha and not her husband. Suddenly the van was getting tickets on a weekly basis. We had to sell it for scrap before it just got towed. We moved into a tent in the alley. I made a platform out of wooden loading pallets and strung a line across the tops of two discarded Christmas Trees to hang a layer of rainproof plastic sheeting.

We started spending more time out of town, looking for an RV, going to the desert.

We got sick of coming in at five am and rolling the Diego dice.

We stopped going to the clinic.

https://zerstyrschonheit.home.blog/

Tijuana 2014 : “Amor es Palabra”

I caught a ride down to Tijuana with Griffin because he was going to be playing a Sewn Leather show. He said there wasn’t enough room in his tiny RV for LaPorsha but that obviously wasn’t true. I understood. He needed my undivided attention to help calm him down as he drove the RV. It wasn’t even a big big one – it was like a Dolphin, one of the ones you drop in the back of a pickup truck. But Griffin was a high strung little guy – the polar opposite of the terminally placid bearded pot bellied dudes that usually pilot vehicles of that weight class.

Every missed turn triggered a minor meltdown, let alone the whole logistics of crossing an international border, and he needed me to bounce off and redirect the nervous energy. It might not seem like it but I can be pretty Zen in the right interpersonal combinations.

The show was at a gallery called Otras Obras, another TODDPNYC joint. Todd is a bit like Jeffrey Deitch – I’m not sure if I like either of them as people or the changes they create in the art communities I am emotionally invested in but there’s no arguing with their taste. They know what’s cool a hell of a lot faster that any other curators or promoters punching in their weight class. I just don’t love watching the fights. I’m a Benny “The Jet” Urquidez type of guy – I love me an underdog.

I don’t know if it was Griffin or Todd P that got El Muertho de Tijuana on the show but I never would have moved to Tijuana if he hadn’t played that night. Balthazar is an incredible artist who should be world famous but I don’t think he can legally travel to other countries. I made the mistake of believing his goth tinged cumbia was more representative of what was happening in Tijuana’s hipster youth culture than it actually was.

My dream was to start a No-teño band – a portmanteau of No Wave and Norteño. My vision was a mariachi version of jazz influenced bands like The Contortions. In my fantasy I would immediately meet young, disenfranchised brass and bajo sexto players who were just itching to let me croon over a darker slowed down version of the oompah music they’d been raised with. The reality was that the kids were into indie rock and electronic dance music. People were friendly, welcoming and receptive enough to my increasingly-theatrical-while-musically-minimal style but writing songs in Spanish didn’t magically transform me into the flavor of the moment.

We ended up getting a cheap balcony apartment right next to Parque Teniente Guerrero where El Muertho would play almost daily for adoring crowds of working class families. His KISS style make-up and obvious unapologetic homosexuality gave him unquestionable populist appeal but he wasn’t headlining the bars and galleries I was managing to book shows at. I recorded myself playing La Bamba at a viscerally uncomfortable tempo on my mother’s piano but for most of my new songs I just pulled random instrumentals off of YouTube because I hadn’t found a band. If I had been smarter I would have taught myself guitar or keyboard and taken songs, like the one I’m about to type and translate, straight to the park:

Amor es palabra, es solo palabra

Pero Amar es trabajo

A la comida no tiene sabor

Sin una poca cebolla y ajo

Porque Estás llorando mi corazon mi vida

Este vez eres cebolla o cuchillo?

Es nuestra amor cierto como una gran cena

O solo es un bocadillo?

(Love is a word, only a word. But to love is work. Concerning food, it has no flavor without a bit of onion and garlic. Why are you crying my heart, my life? This time are you the onion or the knife? Is our love true like a grand banquet or is it only a snack?)

I was super obsessed with main stream Latin stars like José José and Juan Gabriel but unfortunately I never learned basic musicianship and I’m not much of a singer. I do still feel that writing in Spanish set off something special in me musically even if I never learned to speak it properly. Who knows? – maybe my dream No-teño band lives in the forests of Northern California and is just waiting to read these words and e-mail me.

We got into the comfortable rhythms of living on the Mexican side of the border. We lived above a water purification store where we could refill our five gallon bottles but really they were on every corner. I combed the Coahuila Flea Market for an empty propane canister for the water heater and walked ours down there to sell it when we were ready to leave. It’s an unwritten law of Mexican tenant culture that you don’t just leave it for the next person unless they are a particular friend of yours. They’re worth too much money. Once every couple months we would endure a day or two of cold showers until I heard the distinctive jingle of a passing Z Gas truck and ran the empty cylinder down to exchange it.

Our Flame-Point Siamese named Catrick made the move down with us and seemed to take to the Mexican Street Cat life right off the bat. He had already been going to parties around Los Angeles with a stylish blue leather harness from one of the souvenir shops and riding buses and trains with us. We left the window open a crack for him behind the bars and he got used to coming and going as he pleased. We had to go to Los Angeles for a little longer than usual to perform a series of pieces based on the Planets of Classical Astrology at Human Resources.

We left out lots of food and water but Catrick was pissed at us for not bringing him. There was an ancient mansion surrounded by overgrown weeds, palms and fruit trees at the center of our block – it had an old model white Cadillac sitting in its yard that Catrick must have felt drawn to because it was the same color as him. He decided to flaunt his independence by moving underneath it and sleeping in its shadow. He pretended not to hear me calling him, I knew because I saw his ears twitch, and I had to put food through the bars of the fence to lure him and quickly snatch him home. It became a ritual we would have to repeat every time we left for even a single night from then on out.

There was a family of pigeons living in the outside of the north facing stucco wall, the window looked toward the border and was covered in chicken wire so they wouldn’t move all the way in between human tenants. I watched a few dawns through that window but nearly every dusk. The only way I know how to explain it is that darkness fell differently on the Mexican side of the border – like I could look North and see the exact gradation where it shifted. Something about the way the shadows would stretch out and devour the spaces between buildings. Maybe it’s something as mundane as different styles of architecture and urban planning or maybe it was all in my head.

There was a really nice silver decal of the Seal of Solomon I had bought from Mercado Sonora in Mexico City on the glass – we left it behind when we moved and I’m sure the next tenants hated it if the realtors didn’t just peel it off themselves before showing it to anybody. On hot days the pigeons would stink through the wall and I’d worry that they were giving us little red bird mites. One of them got in one day and Catrick made a desperate NBA leap for it in the stairwell but barely brushed the tips of its feathers with his claws. I let it out and he was furious with me. The next week he dragged in a flattened one from the street as if he’d killed it and I made fun of him:

You’re such a loser dude, everybody knows you’re not a car!”

There was a homeless guy on our block we called Jack Sparrow – he had dark skin and matted black dreads and dressed in layers of grime encrusted rags and old puffy winter jackets worn flat with age. I never saw him speak – not even to himself and never in any language. He had developed a particularly unsavory defense tactic – he would pull down his pants and thrust his filthy, unwashed ass outward while walking backwards like a crab. Everybody instinctually recoiled from it in horror; you always knew he was coming because pedestrian crowds visibly parted on the sidewalk.

One night we were walking on the side of town near the Cultural Center when a tiny striped female cat came darting from behind a book store and urgently cried for our attention. I saw her again on a walk I was taking on my own about a week later and carried her home. We called her Tabby. Of course she was pregnant. She ballooned up like a watermelon and LaPorsha tried to wake me up in excitement the night she had her kittens but I was dead to the world.

I should have woken up.

Tabby’s instincts hadn’t fully kicked in and her babies were tangled up in a mess of umbilical cords she had neglected to sever with her teeth. I was able to cut four of them free but a fifth one had been strangled to death when his writhing siblings accidentally tangled the cords around his neck. Tabby lay next to the haphazard knot of infants purring contentedly in blissful ignorance that she had just decisively fucked up the delivery. Without my intervention they would have all died or at the very least lost limbs.

I put the dead kitten in a plastic bag and walked downtown to throw it away as far from the apartment as possible. I went to Speedy’s to buy some Oxymorphone, often referred to as the Cadillac of opiates, and Smart & Final to buy some Glorias from the small batch Las Sevillanas brand. I was looking for anything that could help us feel better or at least feel shitty less conspicuously.

Catrick had been neutered young but really stepped up to the plate for the foster father role. He played with the kittens without ever getting too rough and used to sit with his paw resting on top of Tabby’s like a sweet Captain Save-a-Hoe. I gave some of the kittens names but nothing permanent – things like Isaiah and other ones from the Bible I wouldn’t even remember. It was fun for a while but the kittens got old and Tabby started acting feral again – everybody was done with everything.

Catrick climbed onto the spot where our shoulders met in the bed and pissed so it would get on both of us. He was trying to tell us he was ready to be the only cat in the house again. I put Tabby and her kittens in a box and walked to the Park to start giving them away. The first tuxedo boy went with this young guy with a Faux Hawk whose printed polo shirt showed he had one of the better-paying-than-average cell phone store jobs. The kitten dug its claws in and buried its face in his chest and he said “Vamanos” and walked off into the sunset. I think they were probably quite happy together.

I ended up by the big Cathedral where rows of faith healer’s stalls sold dried herbs, medals of the Saints and pieces of rattlesnake skin. Men who appeared to be disabled walked around wearing laminated signs advertising acupressure and miraculous touch. I was able to find what appeared to be good homes for all of the kittens but everybody declined to take Tabby with them even though she was still affectionate with her offspring. Finally I just had an adult female cat in a box and that isn’t the sort of thing you can give away on the streets of Tijuana – not even outside the biggest Cathedral. I slowly walked away from the box – it’s not like she was peeking over the side and watching me. I felt bad but there wasn’t really anything else I could do – at least there was more street food on that block than the one by a bookstore I had found her on.

Perhaps just setting her on the ground so she could run off would have been more honest – and by extension more kind. There’s a lot of things I’m still figuring out.

LaPorsha had a gig where she would commute to Los Angeles to work in a BDSM Dungeon but she wasn’t guaranteed sessions, the only thing that made money, every time she made the trip and Black sex workers are just generally undervalued outside of niche situations so it was pretty much a waste of time. I made little scraps of money bringing cartons of duty free USA Gold cigarettes into Mexico then back into the United States. We only smoked them if we were desperate – we liked the Lucky Strikes with a picture of a dead rat on the box. When friends came down to play shows I would make sure that everybody muled the maximum two cartons for me in both directions. I kept them in my kitchen cabinet and made sure to never cross in either direction without moving and selling cigarettes.

We could have lived down there forever if it wasn’t for the constant police harassment. LaPorsha wouldn’t get it when she was alone because they just assumed she was Haitian but she didn’t like going anywhere alone and I got it constantly. The cops acted like dogs who are only interested in a stick the moment another dog picks it up. We walked Catrick in the park and they came up and accused us of stealing a cat. I carried an old karaoke machine down the street and they accused me of stealing that. It didn’t help that we were on drugs and all of our dreams about Tijuana having a thriving Downtown 81 style Arts scene weren’t working out anyway.

We gathered all of the stuff from our apartment and put Catrick into a carrier and walked back into the United States. I had another side hustle selling promotional copies of the The Order DVD from Matthew Barney’s Cremaster 3 because I had found a huge cache of them at the Amvets in Skyline Hills. I never should have brought them all into Mexico but it saved me a few bus rides when I had to cross over and drop one in the mail.

The Customs guys told me that I couldn’t have them because I was obviously selling them which was illegal and I couldn’t think of a convincing lie. They told me to go back into Mexico and come back without them and I didn’t have any friends by the border to go give them to. There was this new art space that had just popped up in the row of border storefronts. It was closed but I left them in front of it in the hope that somebody who knew what they were might find them and it wouldn’t be a complete waste.

They sold slowly over eBay and Amazon but it still felt like setting several hundred dollars on the sidewalk.

It wasn’t until I was already back in the United States that the idea hit me. I should have said that I played in either Murphy’s Law or Agnostic Front and gave the DVDs away to promote my band because both groups are referenced on the packaging.

Maybe I should explain this more for anyone who might be interested. Both of these classic NYHC bands play special songs created for the art film as Matthew Barney’s character free climbs up the sloping ramp of the Guggenheim Museum in a special section intended to symbolize the five stages of initiation into Freemasonry. The short section on the DVD was the only part of Cremaster 3 made commercially available but the full three hour film is now on archive.org.

All of the Customs Agents looked like skinheads anyway but it’s probably like 100 to 1 that they wouldn’t know I was lying. They’d have had to have been into early hardcore and known enough about both bands to realize I couldn’t possibly be even a temporary member of either one.

It doesn’t matter anyway, whatever I didn’t lose then I would just end up losing later.

Even the cat.

[photo from El Muertho de Tijuana Instagram]

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