San Diego 2004 : “Let me rephrase that [grabs baseball bat]”

I just watched a documentary about the mid-nineties San Diego underground music scene called It’s Gonna Blow! that I would definitely recommend checking out if the subject at all interests you. I just about missed out on everything featured in the documentary – I wouldn’t have been old enough to go to The Casbah but there were most likely all ages opportunities I didn’t take advantage of.

Most embarrassing is the fact that my friend Kevin who would later form The Beautiful Mutants invited me to come see Crash Worship at The World Beat Center but in my infinite fourteen year old wisdom I thought it “sounded like a stupid hippy drum circle”.

Around the time that I was in Ninth Grade friends at school would show me CDs for local bands they were into: Three Mile Pilot, Heavy Vegetable and Blink before they had to add the -182. For whatever reason I never asked to borrow or get a copy of any of it. The closest thing I did to checking out the local scene that year was accompanying my parents and grandfather to see the folk group The Electrocarpathians at the soon to be shuttered Better Worlde Galleria.

Not long after I started going to a tiny spot in El Cajon called the Soul Kitchen to see the punk bands forming out of SDSCPA – an arts focused high school that my sisters and most of my friends went to but my mom wouldn’t let me because I had to do the IB program at San Diego High. This included a precursor to The Beautiful Mutants called The Mutant Turtles, Diana DeLuna’s group The Vendettas and the late Nick Galvas’ project Wingdilly.

Many of the groups featured in the documentary also would have played there but they didn’t share bills with my younger friends and El Cajon was too much of a haul on buses to just check out casually. In the end the closest I ever got to the Golden Age of San Diego Alternative and Post-Rock was watching Lucy’s Fur Coat at some kind of free Balboa Park event and the two years where the former bassist of aMiniature was my High School Physics teacher.

One thing that they talked about for a lot of the documentary that I definitely did not miss out on was San Diego’s endemic violence – a result of the proximity to USMC base Camp Pendleton and the long term popularity of the skinhead lifestyle. Luckily for me the Marines almost exclusively frequented over 21 drinking establishments so in my teenage years I almost never came into contact with them. I say almost because I did have an unpleasant run in while riding the trolley.

Once I started going to school downtown and got my hands on a bus pass I became a dedicated thrifter and a bit of a clothes horse. On this particular day I was wearing a cheap costume style black bowler hat, blocky laboratory safety glasses with translucent red frames and a snap up black vest of an almost plastic like synthetic material over a red turtleneck. A large group of Marines thought I looked like a member of the band Spacehog and wanted to kick my ass because of it.

If anything my outfit on that particular day was more influenced by Devo but I didn’t press this detail. I got the fuck off the trolley and considered myself fortunate that they were too concerned with reaching their destination, most like the Tijuana border crossing, to follow.

In contrast the skinheads were a constant fixture in environments that I was spending a lot of time in – third wave ska shows. Judging by what people were saying in the film Nazi Skins, also known as Boneheads, were a significant threat at San Diego live shows in the Eighties but I can’t remember ever seeing any. Many of my friends would talk about how red and white laces in Doc Martens were code for Nazis and white supremacists but despite constant vigilance I never ran into anyone rocking these colors – the skinheads around were mostly Sharps.

Sharp is an acronym for Skinheads Against Racial Prejudice and they typically wear yellow bootlaces although black laces also seemed to be popular. Ostensibly they were supposed to fight and defend the scene against Nazi skins but if these clashes ever happened I never saw them. I would say they liked to fight but I never actually saw them fighting either – they would just typically look for a defenseless target to beat the shit out of.

I decided not to use his name but the one Black guy in the group of gutter punks that hung out with my sister later morphed into a Sharp Skinhead. He also got really muscular around this time – I remember somebody saying that he looked like a Ninja Turtle. One night at a party he got into some kind of disagreement with a wispy little indie rock looking guy and broke the dude’s fingers.

The person in question immediately started screaming out the N word so it was hard to feel too bad for him but the entire situation just felt sad. Besides being unpleasant to be around this kind of violence could often get a show or party broken up by cops – and if Skinheads were around it was nearly an inevitability.

We also had the militant straight edge flavor of Skinheads in San Diego. Not long after Off The Record opened it’s North Park store by 30th and University a local ska band called Unsteady played a free afternoon concert there. Francois was living about a block and a half down the alley and had just gotten into wearing a little crocheted cap in the signature Rastafarian colors,

The straight edge skins decided he looked like he was stoned and were threatening to beat the shit out of him. This was especially ironic as Francois and I were essentially straight edge ourselves at the time – we just didn’t write X’s on our hands or refer to ourselves as such. There wouldn’t have been anything wrong with either of us being stoned but at that point in time neither of us had tried marijuana or a single alcoholic beverage.

My father was also at this show and seeing how the music was essentially a form of reggae he decided to spark up a joint and offer it to anyone in the crowd that might be interested. Actually he did this at every live music event regardless of genre. The straight edgers shifted their violent overtures to him and unlike the situation with Francois they were not about to be redirected.

We had to slip him out through the alley and wait a while in Francois’s apartment because they even tried to follow us.

So many things about this are infuriating: the fact that a group of muscle heads would feel justified in ganging up on a single good natured and diminutive hippy man with visibly graying hair, the fact that they unironically considered themselves fans of a music form from actual Jamaica and didn’t see the contradiction in their actions but most importantly the fact that this behavior constantly went unchallenged in all of the spaces throughout our community.

That was San Diego though – I’m not sure when it first started and couldn’t say whether it’s in the past now but now that I think about it nearly every time I’ve been physically assaulted has been in my home city. I might have missed my chance at seeing early Three Mile Pilot and Crash Worship but this was one aspect of San Diego’s underground that was simply unavoidable.

This next incident took place on Valentine’s Day of either 2004 or 2005. It was during the period of time when I was with the girlfriend I’ve referred to as a “New England Pedigree Girl” and after we’d started using heroin together. She was working late somewhere, most likely a night game at Petco Park, so I went to this party without her but not before leaving a Valentine’s Day gift on the kitchen table of our apartment.

I had made a heart shaped card out of construction paper with two rattlesnakes facing each other and the message Fangs for being my Valentine. The inside said Happy Valentines Day Let’s Get Stung – a reference to both a colloquial expression for venomous snake bites and the second part of the gift: two capped syringes loaded up with black tar heroin resting in a champagne flute.

This is mostly not relevant to the story that is about to follow except for the detail that I would have been on a small amount of this drug when the ensuing events took place – but not to the extent of nodding out or anything.

The party was at a house that my friend Bryan Welch had just started renting with some other kids from the scene I can’t remember the names of. When we were still in High School he lived with his mother in Mission Hills and was clearly in a higher economic bracket than my family. The first time I ever went to his house he put on the Laurie Anderson song O Superman and while I immediately dug it he was already a bit of a music snob and I was nervous to display my ignorance by asking the name of the artist.

This resulted in me mistakenly buying the Barbra Streisand Superman album the next time I saw it in a Thrift Store and being severely disappointed when I got home and put on what I thought was the same song.

Anyway this new house he was living in was super fancy. It had a vintage Malm orange metal fireplace in the center along with some other mid century furniture and an actual bar that was very much in use. I can’t remember if it was just a rent party or if they were raising money for some other cause but they were slinging an assortment of fancy cocktails including one that was served in an actual coconut.

I should mention that this last beverage lost quite a few points in presentation due to the fact that somebody had forgotten to pick up straws and this detail was only divulged the moment the drink had already been paid for and was being deposited into the buyer’s hand.

Anyway some Skinheads showed up – I’m not sure if they called themselves Sharps but they definitely weren’t straight edgers or Nazis. As they always do they searched the party for somebody to beat up on and selected a pair of French guys most likely because they figured they wouldn’t have any friends there. To reiterate I have never once seen a skinhead looking for a fair fight.

One of the French guys got sucker punched and things were about to get uglier. While everybody looked unhappy about this turn of events nobody was actually doing anything about it. I am absolutely not a fighter but after dealing with this shit since my teenage years I hit a breaking point where I wasn’t going to just powerlessly watch it happen. I placed myself in front of the next targeted French guy and addressed the skinhead preparing to swing on him:

You can’t fight here. Fighting is gonna get the party broken up. If you want to fight you have to take it somewhere else.”

I am fairly tall at six feet and four inches but I’ve always been thin and gangly. I should also mention that I had dressed up for the holiday: a pink pair of Gloria Vanderbilt twill jeans and a floral printed button up in pinks and purples. My hair was long and I was most likely wearing heavy eyeshadow in complementary colors. I might not have been as bold if I didn’t figure that looking stereotypically effeminate might have a protective effect.

With this first guy it basically worked the way I had planned. He tried to shove me out of the way but I’ve been in my share of mosh pits so I planted my feet and did not waver. He tried a couple more shoves but I remained steadfast and repeated what I had just said. As I was hoping he didn’t look at me as a person he could actually swing on so he finally growled in disgust and angrily stomped off.

Unfortunately one of his companions had no such compunctions. This skinhead was a Mexican guy with the body type that basically looks like a bowling ball with arms and legs sticking out – he probably wasn’t as tall as me but it wasn’t a big difference. He had watched everything that just transpired and now placed himself in front of me:

Why were you talking shit to my friend just now?”

“I wasn’t talking shit. I told him there’s no fighting at this party because there’s no fighting at this party. Fighting brings cops.”

Without a word he turned and walked over to the back of a pickup truck with camper shell that was parked at the curb about fifteen feet away. He lowered the tail gate and then rubbed his hands together with glee like he was about to eat something delicious in a cartoon. He then pulled out a wooden baseball bat, hefted it over his shoulder and strolled back to where I was standing with a newly smug and self satisfied expression:

Let me rephrase that. Why were you talking shit to my friend just now?”

I should clarify that I am well aware that not every person that dresses or identifies as a skinhead is like this. The first time I ever met my friend Lil Four she looked like a skinhead. It was 10th Grade and she was going to a dance at my school with me and a girl named Anne Gregory. We had taken the bus to where she lived by the beach with her mother to pick her up.

The movie The Nutty Professor had just come out and her mother evidently had a crush on the fat suit version of Eddie Murphy. She had cut multiple pictures of this character out of newspapers and framed them around the house. Lil Four, or I should say Danielle as she was going by her original name, seemed a little embarrassed by this.

She had a bleached Chelsea cut and wore a green bomber jacket over her dress. The dress was red because the three of us had coordinated a red and black theme for our outfits. I wish I still had the photos but they disappeared when I lost the box of papers going back to Kindergarten from my parents’ house. Anyway I’ve known plenty of other perfectly charming, pleasant and not especially violent skinheads.

But then there are the ones like the guy who is threatening me with a baseball bat. He’s already three times my size, I’m clearly incapable of fighting and I’m dressed like a stereotypical pansy. He could probably seriously injure me with one arm tied behind his back but that isn’t good enough for him. He needs a vicious weapon too so he can not just completely dominate me but put me in the hospital while he’s at it.

I remember feeling disgusted but I forget if I actually said anything or not. I turned my back on him and slowly walked back into the house. Of course I was worried that he could easily swing at the back of my head but in the moment it felt like the best available course of action. I tried to project certain things: disdain, an absence of intimidation and dismissal in the proper balance so that he would feel too foolish to retaliate in force.

Once I got inside my sister helped to find me a ride to get out of there. Just like I had done with my father years before I was smuggled out through the back. A friend pulled a car to the side of the house and I climbed into the back seat so I could lay out of sight and he drove me home to my girlfriend who was waiting for me to come do drugs with her.

I don’t know what happened with the party or the French guys after that. Maybe the skinheads renewed their attack on them or found a new target or simply left. I felt a bit disappointed that nobody had stepped up to back me up in the moment, after all there were so many more of us than them, but at the same time I understood. Everybody there had grown up with this exactly like I had and I had just stood by countless times before reaching a point where I had to stand up and do something,

Everybody had to reach this point for themselves and it may well never happen at all.

Nothing about it is easy.

As fate would have it this wasn’t the only time I got threatened by a skinhead with a baseball bat in San Diego. This other incident might have been a little before or after the one I just described but I feel fairly certain it was within a year. I was performing at the Che Cafe with Raquel – either as Sex Affection or right after we changed the name to Hood Ri¢h.

The show was sparsely attended and there were some especially aggressive younger kids there who kind of looked like skinheads and kind of looked like Circle Jerks era thrash punks. I can’t imagine who they would have been there to see as it would have been a mostly experimental flavored lineup – maybe xbxrx. Regardless they were lightly heckling us so I was heckling them back and said something about coming up so we could start a “big gay mosh pit”.

I confess it’s not especially clever. While the Che is officially an alcohol free venue I’d been drinking something, probably Captain Morgan and Vanilla Coke, from an innocuous opaque cup. I probably thought they were most likely homophobic and it would get under their skin.

Evidently it did.

A kid in a red and black plaid flannel ran up to the stage and started throwing punches. My friend Andreas later said it looked like I was expertly dodging every one of his swings but it was actually dumb luck. In the moment my first thought was that he was coming to dance with me and when I bobbed my head from side to side it just so happened to neatly avoid each successive strike. It caused me to drop and spill my drink which was probably for the best.

Andreas is an absolute teddy bear who I’ve never seen in another altercation but to his credit he sprang into action and quickly ejected my assailant from the side door and told him he wasn’t coming back in. Now that I think about we would have been sharing the bill with a short lived experimental band called Business Lady. The singer Mikey happened to have a similar build and was wearing an almost identical shirt to the kid who attacked me so for the rest of the night everybody would tense up every time he walked into the room only to relax when they saw his face.

If you’ve ever spent time at the Che Cafe you would know that there is a small circular table toward the rear on the parking lot side where attendees often hang out and smoke cigarettes. It sits in the shadows and due to this relative darkness is almost impossible to see from the inside even though it’s next to the window. Toward the end of the night I was sitting there smoking a cigarette and whoever I was with finished theirs and left so I was out there by myself.

I suddenly got approached by one of flannel kid’s friends. When I try to picture what this kid looked like the first thing that comes to mind is a baseball cap with the bill flipped up and tagged on in the style of Suicidal Tendencies. It actually doesn’t sound like these kids were skinheads at all – the connecting thread is more just the baseball bat as he was also brandishing one in a threatening manner.

He wanted to know why I had – in his words “gotten his friend kicked out”. The way he saw it the person who assaulted me was a hapless victim forced into action against his will by my uncivil and inflammatory provocation. Accountability was clearly wanting but it was difficult to focus on the exchange as a teachable moment when the surrounding circumstances necessitated that my thoughts pivot on how I might extricate myself while avoiding grievous injury.

I don’t know what I said but it isn’t so much about the what as it is the how. After a certain amount of time it becomes instinctual – you either learn how to fight or learn how to avoid fighting or join up with the people creating the situation in the first place. It’s something that marks every person who’s had to grow up there. I’m not saying other cities aren’t violent but just like music there’s regional varieties to everything.

I missed out on a lot of what was going on around me and experienced these things in other cities instead. The first time I saw The Locust was at 924 Gilman in Berkeley and I didn’t really get into hardcore or feel like I was part of a scene until I moved to Chicago. There’s a lot of San Diego bands like The Shortwave Channel that I didn’t start listening to until they’d already broken up.

But when I heard people like John Reis start talking about their experiences of inescapable violence, even though it was before my time in the ‘80s, at that moment I get a very specific feeling:

I was there…

Los Angeles 2000 : “It’s Where Jay Leno Lives”

The music scene for mid ‘90s to early 2000’s San Diego is pretty legendary but for the most part I had been out of the loop on what was going on in my home town. I went to a lot of ska and punk shows in High School and occasionally came across something more interesting like the time I saw Los Kagados at a very early incarnation of the Voz Alta space near 16th and C. I heard a lot of the members went on to form Run For Your Fucking Life but the main thing I remember is that the singer was double jointed and contorting his arms and wrists at odd angles with an almost Iggy Pop-like stage presence. One of them had just gotten a colorful neck tattoo of a pair of dragons or something like that – it was so fresh that the skin was visibly raised and puffy.

These details stick out in more focus than any of the ska shows I went to at Soma or the World Beat Center for some reason. Maybe it was just the feeling of being downtown and in an alternative art space instead of a more curated all ages club – this could have been anywhere from 1996 to 1998. I guess they were a hardcore band, a lot of my friends at school talked about hardcore but I didn’t know anything about it and wasn’t particularly interested. For whatever reason I was really into ‘80s New Wave at the time, the stuff that was more synth heavy and classified as “New Romantic”. There was a lot of it in the record bins of Thrift Stores which helped.

My other chance encounter with the more remembered music scene of the time was that I somehow ended up at a space on Union and Beech and saw Tristeza. I don’t know what genre I would have classified it as at the time but I definitely liked it and bought the first seven inch, the one that was printed with gold foil on heavy black paper, when I saw it at Off the Record. At this point I had bought some CDs from local ska bands but this was my first time getting small label seven inches with Art object style presentation until I ended up at the Fireside Bowl in Chicago later that same Summer.

I went to Union and Beech at least one other time when Francois and I had missed the last bus back toward East County and spent the night wandering the streets downtown. The space was hosting a rave and we snuck in to get off the streets but spent most of the night sleeping in a closet instead of dancing. When it was getting toward dawn we realized that we had been sleeping next to a gorilla mask and one of us took off our shirt and ran out of the closet to dance around for a minute with the mask on. Oddly I can’t seem to remember which one of us it had been – maybe we both did it and took turns.

By the time we drove back to San Diego in the early Summer of 2000 I had gotten a lot more experience navigating music scenes. For my year at SFSU there was a surprisingly robust music community centering on shows in our Student Union and both twee and J-pop; bolstered by the high number of trendy Japanese exchange students. The kid who set them up was in a band called Wussom*Pow! that recorded a Strawberry Switchblade cover and helped me sneak into shows at bars like Edinburgh Castle. My first forays into bars were spent staring in fascination as cigarette smoke slowly drifted against a backdrop of dark velvet curtains and twinkling white Christmas lights – I didn’t drink yet.

I tried to convince Michael from Wussom*Pow! to set up a show for Tristeza in the student Union. I don’t even know if they were actually touring or looking – I just really dug that first 7 inch. I described the music as “emo” because some band members had black hair and that’s what I’d heard the social scene called but he said it was “space rock”. The show never happened to the best of my memory.

I was beyond clueless about the bulk of underground music then. I remember seeing a flyer on campus advertising a Melvins show that would have been small and intimate but I had no clue who that was even though Little Four had talked up The Thrones from a live set at Locust House and I was eager to see it.

Actually there was a show in the SFSU student Union where Thrones was supposed to play but Michael took Joe off the bill out of fear it would be “too loud”. They were on tour with The Rapture who you most likely saw on the flyer at the top of this piece and will pop back up in just a minute. The singer/guitarist (or was it bassist?) was jumping onto tables while playing and the Japanese girls in the audience would shriek and run a few feet away in a combination of surprise and delight.

I thought the most striking thing about the San Diego scene at that time was that Tristeza had a 7 inch that played at 33 RPM while The Locust released a twelve inch that played at 45. I felt the duality of how this went again convention in both directions said something poignant about what was happening in my home town but at the time I became more interested in other city’s music scenes.

After house sitting for a punk TA from one of my Physics classes in a Mission district apartment I spent most of the Summer of 1999 in San Diego before driving out to Chicago with Francois. San Diego music, especially The Locust, was intensely popular in the Midwest by this point but we knew next to nothing about it. We wouldn’t have known anything at all if we hadn’t convinced Little Four to move up to the Bay Area with us and gained access to the record collection she had curated from living behind and going to shows at the “Locust House” on 24th and E.

The scene around the Fireside Bowl in Chicago that year was primarily hardcore and math rock but also a lot of the theatrical experimental stuff that was coming out on the SKiN GRAFT label. I finally started to get into the hardcore most of my contemporaries were so fascinated with but the artier stuff was my real fascination. The two styles generally peacefully coexisted and informed and fed into each other but I do remember one situation when they came into direct conflict.

The band Black Dice was passing through town and a big group of people went up to Milwaukee because they were playing a basement show. I don’t think they were ever really a traditional hardcore band but their earliest stuff was closer to sounding like it and their first seven inch was on Gravity Records which was generally known as a hardcore label. I did a little bit of digging and figured out this show was in May of 2000 at a place called Bremen House.

I actually didn’t know that the band had a reputation for being physically confrontational and attacking their audience and breaking other people’s equipment but all of that would have played a factor in what ended up happening because I just read a different account that said people at the show were already planning on fighting them. From what I saw they were just playing unconventional and noisy music like lots of guitar feedback and drumming in odd time signatures when a bunch of straight edge hardcore guys assaulted them for “not being hardcore”. I’ve always thought of the incidence as “genre violence” – purely instigated by a band not playing in an expected and dogmatic style.

The main reason I think this is that one of the attackers was literally yelling “this isn’t hardcore” or “this isn’t what hardcore’s about” or something along those lines. The frustration was palpable when somebody in the band yelled back:

“We never said it was!”

The other account I read said that the singer threw beer on a straight edge guy but the way I remember it he was just pacing and thrashing around with an open tall can in his hand so that small amounts might have splashed onto people. The thing I have the clearest mental image of is dudes just running up on the bassist and guitar player and throwing punches at them while they tried to defend themselves as best as possible while being encumbered by their instruments. A lot of their equipment ended up getting broken and their attackers slashed the tires on their tour van as a parting gift.

I overheard somebody from either Black Dice or The Rapture, the band they were touring with, react to this final surprise with a touch of weary dark humor:

You’d think that if they didn’t want us here so much they wouldn’t make it so hard for us to leave…

I’ll throw the link I found underneath here so you can read and judge for yourself but even though I was there I don’t think I know enough to say if what happened in Milwaukee was just straight edge hardcore guys being typical violent assholes or a case of chaotic and destructive energy catching up with the people who had been irresponsibly pumping it out into the world. Maybe it was some of both. It’s interesting that the street was called Bremen as the Grimm Brothers fairytale called The Bremen Town Musicians is basically about a group of animals who have outlived their usefulness spontaneously turning into a noise band.

https://know-wave.com/black-dice/

One thing that I didn’t realize at the time was that Eric Copeland from the band had been part of an earlier project I really liked called The Ninjas that put out a couple of records on a label called Black Bean and Placenta Tape Club. It sounded like twee pop combined with uncharacteristically aggressive distorted guitars. I only mention this because I haven’t had the records for years or been able to find them uploaded on the internet anywhere in case somebody reading this might have them and a way to put them up somewhere.

San Diego in 2000 had a surplus of really good bands that seemed to have all formed over the past couple of years. I hadn’t actually seen either Three Mile Pilot or The Shortwave Channel but the core members of both groups were now playing as The Blackheart Procession and Camera Obscura respectively. One of the best bands to see live was the instrumental organ heavy doom metal outfit Tarantula Hawk who often had body modification enthusiast Eddie Castro suspending himself from hooks pierced through his skin and illuminated by a projection of black and white static. I wasn’t twenty one yet and every bouncer in town knew who I was so I spent a lot of shows standing just outside the door to listen and peeking inside of places like The Turquoise Room at the long defunct Aztec Bowl.

This story begins with an all ages Blackheart Procession show about halfway between San Diego and Los Angeles at the Koo’s Cafe in Santa Ana. Lightning Bolt would be playing at The Smell either the next day or the one after that so I got a ride up with the plan of trying to find kids at the show who would be returning to Los Angeles instead of returning with my ride to San Diego. I had gotten pretty confident with approaching strangers to ask for things like rides but the best I found was a couple kids who lived in Burbank. They both offered the same nonsensical explanation when I asked what part of LA that was:

It’s where Jay Leno lives…”

They didn’t have the kind of parents that would be receptive to unexpected overnight guests so it was up to me to figure out a spot to sleep until public transit resumed in the morning. The neighborhood was the kind with large expensive ranch style houses, or whatever you call the style with stucco and adobe roofs and lots of little wrought iron railings, that also had thick hedges between them so they thought I might be able to hide underneath somebody’s bushes.

I laid out underneath one experimentally but immediately felt conspicuous and almost guaranteed to experience police harassment if I didn’t find something a little more discreet and less residential. Walking toward the traffic lights eventually brought me to a strip mall and a doughnut shop with the kind of locked roof access ladder you can climb by wedging your foot between the metal and the building. When I got to the top I could see that the roof was covered with the big chunked and sharp edged gravel that blankets accessible roofs and forsaken landscaping across Los Angeles.

If I had to spend a night in this sort of setting now I would locate a dumpster for cardboard, and probably just stay next to it, but I was a lot younger and less experienced. I did find a newspaper machine with free Auto Trader booklets to give me something to prevent having to sleep with my face right against the gravel. I’m sure a lot of people would struggle to fall asleep in this kind of environment but I’ve always enjoyed the rough urban camping – no sooner had I stretched out then I was waking up to the harsh glare of sunlight in my eyes and the unmistakable smell of fresh doughnuts and coffee.

I shimmied back down the ladder and came inside to be the first customer of the day. Wall length mirrors seem like an odd decor choice for the type of business that primarily serves the homeless and the sleep deprived but it did give me the opportunity to notice that I had a few lines of newsprint smudged across my cheek in the reverse of how the letters appeared on the page. I wonder if the man behind the cash register realized where I had just come from or if he would have even cared – I certainly wasn’t staying.

My next destination was an apartment my friend Tim shared with some other graduates of the USC film program near Hollywood and Highland. When I stepped off my final bus a pair of bright red sunglasses sat on the plastic bench like they were waiting for me to herald my arrival in Tinseltown. It’s not that deep – I was twenty years old, I put them on my face and walked to my friend’s apartment and knocked on the door and fell back asleep on his couch.

I had scarcely drifted back off when I found myself suddenly and violently woken back up by police yelling and pointing guns and putting everybody in handcuffs. I was probably the only person there who had absolutely no idea what any of it was about but it didn’t take them very long to find the objects and person they were looking for and leave the less immediately culpable among us to explain what was going on to each other.

I’ve mentioned in other places that Tim’s graduating class was the last year that the USC film program would be done using Super 8 and chemical developing processes before making the switch to various digital video mediums. One of his roommates had rationalized to himself that school equipment like cameras, editors and projectors was about to fall into disuse and it would be essentially harmless to appropriate it and even arguably beneficial as it would allow the equipment to continue to be used for its designed purpose.

I don’t know all the details but it must have been easy enough to falsify whatever logs were used in checking out this equipment to obfuscate the identity of whoever had ended up in possession of it. After a few months had gone by with no sign that anybody was looking the assumption was most likely made that nothing would be missed and he put a couple of things up on eBay. By modern standards this is an obvious rookie mistake but in early 2000 the entire concept of cybercrimes was relatively new and most people wouldn’t have immediately realized that anything done online is immediately and easily traceable.

Considering the kinds of things I would be getting into and people I would be hanging out with by the end of the year it’s interesting that my first experiences with many aspects of the criminal Justice system were with a friend I’d generally think of as being on the “straight” side of things. We spent the day driving around and running errands related to the morning’s sudden development.

Our first stop was a seedy bail bondsman’s office on the second floor of the parking lot strip mall that divides Chinatown and Pueblo Los Angeles. I’d gotten into plenty of petty offenses like trespassing, vandalism and even theft of things like a whale skeleton and motorized bumper boat – but so far had never actually gotten charged or caught. Downtown San Diego was full of businesses like the one we visited, and I often spent stranded nights wandering streets where their neon signs were the only things open for business, but I had never really thought about actually needing their services.

Tim was essentially guiltless himself and clearly enjoying playing the role of a character in a crime movie. There was one other friend who also had film equipment from the school and didn’t seem to have been raided by the police yet. Tim gave him a call to warn him to get rid of it but first he drove to a building on Wilshire with a loud outdoor fountain “in case anybody was trying to record his voice”. I seriously doubt that he honestly believed that this level of precaution was necessary but the cloak and dagger intrigue was fun for playing make believe.

Once all that was finished Tim took me to sneak into Universal Studios Hollywood by way of the soundstages in its backlot. He had an ID badge to get past the guard booth from his production work and instructed me to make up a common name for somebody I was supposed to be visiting. I think I went with “John Elliot” – I could see over the guard’s shoulder when he typed this into the computer that the only thing it needed to verify was if someone with this name had worked there ever.

They’ve probably beefed up security protocols since then.

From the backlot it was very easy to slip under a guardrail and get in line for the Jurassic Park ride. Thankfully the ET Adventure dark ride was still open and I got to see the bright psychedelic section with animatronic living flowers that is supposed to represent the titular character’s home planet. At the beginning of the ride they have all the passengers type their names into a computer so ET can offer personalized thanks at the conclusion.

I was curious how the computerized speech module might interpret my unique name after hearing it butchered by substitute teachers throughout my school career. It’s spelled “Ossian” but pronounced “ah-shin” and nobody’s ever gotten it on a first try. The tiny brown alien waved as we drifted toward the exit; addressing each person in turn:

Thanks Walter and Deborah and Timmy and…”

The figure went silent and abruptly stopped moving. Maybe there was a module in place to prevent the figure from vocalizing profanities in a family park and it scanned the first three letters as an attempt to get it to say “ass”. Whatever the cause I found it amusing that the beloved character chose to make no attempt to address me whatsoever.

Emboldened by the ease we’d had in gaining access to the amusement park Tim went from stage to stage searching for an unattended golf cart. Once we had one he took me on a ride flying off curbs and doing loops around the courthouse square set used in Back to the Future. When the evening came on I needed to get downtown for the Lightning Bolt show.

This may well have been the first time that I ever went to The Smell. I knew that it was around Third and Main and when Tim dropped me on the corner in his little convertible Datsun I could already hear Lightning Bolt playing but I didn’t know exactly where I was supposed to go. It took a minute of running around before I realized that the entrance was in the alley and ran inside. They were playing in the corner of the room away from the stage – the space was huge and mostly empty; in less than a year Ride the Skies would come out and they’d be exploding with popularity.

At this point I’d already exchanged at least a couple of letters with Brian Chippendale. I’d been trying to order some Maggots mini comics and the Zone cassette that accompanies their first album. I got the tape but never got the comics – he apologized and gave me a copy of the Conan Tour Seven Inch instead. It was barely a couple days since I caught the ride up to Santa Ana from San Diego and now I was about to head back down.

I’ve talked a lot about how incredibly quickly everything was happening that year but it’s fun to lay things out on a comparative timeline. The Milwaukee show where Black Dice was attacked was at the beginning of May. I didn’t realize how closely they and Lightning Bolt were related yet but I might not have even heard Lightning Bolt yet either. My first show as Spidermammal with Deerhoof was a couple weeks later and then we were moving back to San Diego.

I don’t know when this Lightning Bolt show at The Smell was but I’m going to guess some time in June. Not long after Deerhoof came through the same venue and played with xbxrx. By July I was back in Chicago running into xbxrx playing with Missing Tooth from the Spidermammal show. In August I was living at Fort Thunder, got to read all of Chippendale’s comic notebooks and set up a show for xbxrx that wouldn’t be happening until I’d already left town.

All of this is just dates and band names but the point was that everybody was constantly on tour or traveling and writing each other letters and this loose grouping of what you’d call noise rock bands were crossing each other’s paths and playing together and a few of them were about to become hugely commercially successful. There isn’t any microgenre or -core or -wave name for the thing that was going on but it was definitely a certain kind of energy and the clock was ticking until 9/11 and everything changing.

After the Lightning Bolt show I walked across Skid Row to the Greyhound station for what was probably the first time and I wouldn’t have had any idea that I was about to be traveling to Fort Thunder and Providence and meeting some people that would make it so I probably spent as much time riding Greyhounds over the next two years as I did living in actual houses. I only knew that something exciting was happening and I didn’t care how far I had to travel or where I had to sleep as long as I could be there and be a part of it.

I couldn’t have known that this world had a looming expiration date but the way I was moving you’d almost think I did.

San Diego 2000 : “I Put That Baby Where The Sun Don’t Shine”

Writing all of this stuff out has done wonders for my memory. There is a borderline magical concept in the book Little Big by John Crowley called a “memory mansion”. The idea is that if you visualize your memories as an imaginary structure of some kind it will help you retain memories, make hitherto unseen connections, bring back forgotten details and even do a bit of divination – like if two walls are actual memories but the corner where they meet is something you’ve never experienced or been aware of you will acquire a sense of this thing because there needs to be a corner there.

I’ve never consciously attempted this but I did read the novel very young and several more times in the intervening years. I think my memory just kind of works in a similar fashion naturally – maybe everybody’s does, I’ve never actually lived in another person’s head. I’ll be looking for some music to play on a road trip and suddenly remember seeing an ad for the Lida Husik album Fly Stereophonic in this free electronica and rave culture magazine called Sweater way back in High School. We didn’t end up actually liking that album for that drive right then but her earlier one Bozo turned out to complement the empty Northern California streets perfectly.

Anyway in one of my earlier pieces I only vaguely recalled the timeline of when I started drinking alcohol but after spending so much time focusing on that era it has returned in perfect focus. It was Summer of 1999 and me and Francois had just driven to Chicago with this guy Andy Robillard we had met in the Balboa Park pickup soccer games arranged by Pall Jenkins from Three Mile Pilot. We had moved into an empty room with Brandi and her goth roommate at the time Kelly.

This girl Shana who lived on the other side of the brick building was having a Rock Star themed party. Her apartment was accessed through a different door and staircase from California Avenue but around the back by the El tracks the wooden porches were all connected. I had a huge crush on Shana and didn’t bother to hide it to the chagrin of her boyfriend who made enhanced CD multimedia content for bands like Cheap Trick and gave me my first stick and poke tattoo. It’s a bad habit of mine – at least I’m married now so whatever little flirting I still do has a safety on it.

I had decided that this party would be my first time getting drunk. Francois had put on loose camo pants and done heavy makeup to go as Maxim Reality from the Prodigy Breathe video. I was Iggy Pop – I had one of those platinum blonde ‘80s rocker wigs and was super proud that I could squeeze into Kelly’s black vinyl pants. She had a medical condition that prevented her from developing any real fat or muscle tissue and weighed less than a hundred pounds. I had gone through a patch of manorexia – I weighed 150 pounds when I was 14 and always wanted to get back to that number (I never actually did) and shaved all my body hair for a bit. I guess most guys look forward to puberty but I wasn’t having it.

I think I probably ended up drinking Bacardi and Coke but the more memorable part was that I ended up making out with a girl called Fashion Julie who went to the Art Institute. Outside of a brief relationship (2 months 14 days) when I was 15 romance had been a dead end for me. I was too socially awkward and didn’t have the confidence to ever make a move. I noticed immediately that alcohol seemed to solve that problem although it wasn’t exactly reliable.

She told me that she was into the rave scene. I invited her on a date to go see either Physics or Aspects of Physics at the Fireside, I thought the music would be somewhat similar to what she was into but it wasn’t at all. She invited me to a Rave at a closed down Roller Rink on the far South Side. Delta 9 was performing with a trumpet player and looped projections of exploding robots from Sci-Fi movies. She started making out with some guy who gave her ecstasy. He was going to give her a ride back to her dorm in the Loop, I tried to get her to convince him to drop me off at the Blue Line on the way but he wasn’t having it. The rave ended and I walked the streets until the trains I needed started up again.

Anyway the fact that I was no longer a complete teetotaler shaped my experience back in San Diego for the Summer of 2000 in numerous ways. First off there was a girl in town who had had a crush on me for several years but I always insisted was too young – a glasses and pixie bob solve mysteries and babysit type. She had just graduated from High School so I decided the age gap was doable now and started seeing her. I shouldn’t have – I wasn’t totally comfortable with her youth so I refused to remove any clothes while we were making out. We always ended up in a reverse John and Yoko – she was naked but I’d be fully clothed.

Eventually I noticed that this guy in the indie pop circuit seemed like he was actually in love with her so I told him that they should be together instead. He got mad and told me that that was disrespectful, I popped a switchblade on him and made vague threats because I thought it was funny. She broke up with me over the phone when I got to Chicago and they’ve been pretty much married ever since and have kids. My instincts seem to have been more or less correct but that doesn’t mean I wasn’t being an asshole and shouldn’t have played with her heart like that.

I also started spending a lot of time and generally behaving like a pirate with my friends Badger and Ben Jovi. They had gotten into a thing they called “Chicken Burrito Madness” where they would shoplift an entire shopping cart full of fancy food and expensive liquor. I was supposed to run distraction most of the time – Badger told me to drop a giant jar of pickles but I found that asking for help finding obscure vegetarian or ethnic products seemed to do the trick better. We would get drunk, cook fancy steaks poorly and end up sword fighting on an almost daily basis. I remember going to visit my teenage girlfriend at a friend’s house and them insisting that they hosed me down before I could come inside.

Badger had been dating this girl named Martina for a few years. Leather hat, summer dresses and pickup truck with a dog kind of girl; she looked like the sort of woman that Lee Hazlewood would record an album in Scandinavia with. She had this “I’ve always relied on the kindness of strangers” kind of vibe where she would play up being small and helpless to get men to help her with things. Or maybe that was specific to me and my friend Paul – I never did see her doing it with anyone else.

Anyhow she had somehow ended up owning a tiny houseboat in the Point Loma Marina and had convinced me and Paul to help row her out to it. She didn’t actually own a dinghy but she seemed extremely confident that nobody would mind if we borrowed one from the spot where everybody kept their dinghies. Me and Paul were less convinced but she could be very persuasive so we bent our backs and rowed her out to her slip.

There were four abnormally large dried out sea horses sitting on her boat when we got there. She said they hadn’t been there the last time she’d stepped aboard so we figured maybe a cormorant or other aquatic bird species had dropped them. Like they grabbed the sea horses when they see a flash of movement but realize it’s an unappetizing ridge-y mess of bone or cartilage once they get out of the water and drop it. I don’t know though – they looked like the kind of thing you would buy at a beachcomber shells and souvenirs store and they seemed so much bigger than they should have been.

Boats are weird – there’s nothing really at deck level and you have to go kind of down and in to get to the part you would usually live in. Martina lit a candle and I looked around a little bit, it seemed to only really be big enough to fit a mattress into. I’m really tall also, 6 feet and 5 inches so it’s not the kind of space I can ever really be comfortable in. We heard a bit of commotion above decks and had to come out to figure out what was going on.

Apparently somebody had tried to go home to their houseboat only to discover that some unknown ne’er-do-wells had absconded with their only dinghy effectively trapping them onshore. The man had found a neighbor to take him around to all the different slips to discover who had made off with his property. Martina maintained that it was no big deal which did very little to placate him. He had the beard and bald spot hairstyle of Will Oldham but it wasn’t red and he was a bit on the older side. He made a few thinly veiled threats:

Your boat could come untied and drift into someone else’s creating a lot of damage that you would be liable for legally. These things happen out here!”

Him and his less irritated neighbor talked about tipping us over or just leaving us stranded on Martina’s boat but the other guy’s demeanor pretty much gave away that none of that would be actually happening. They deposited us back on the docks because anything else could become another headache for them later and rowed away with a stern warning to not be helping ourselves to anymore unlocked dinghies. I don’t think Martina lived out there for very much longer – the boat was in pretty bad shape anyway. She stopped renting it or sold it to somebody else or it just sunk and she walked away from it.

A little bit later her and Badger were living in Encanto – a hilly low income and mostly Black neighborhood along the 94, the then youngest of San Diego’s freeways. One day she asked me if I would dig a hole for her and I actually love digging holes. She drove us in her pickup truck to a bit of no-man’s-land where I dug a decent one at the base of a gigantic white and black eucalyptus tree. She deposited a small red velvet pouch and I asked her what was in it and she said “Badger’s Soul”.

I figured that it was probably drugs or an old love poem he had written or some other kind of sentimental knick-knack. I was musing about the question aloud in the presence of Lil Four one day and she stared at me in shocked disbelief:

You don’t know what was in there!? Everybody knows what was in there! It’s Martina’s fucking miscarried fetus! She was keeping it in the freezer and talking to it and shit!”

The revelation changed me. Ever since I’ve felt naturally drawn to some kind of combined psychopomp and gravedigger role. On some level I am just okay with people dying. When both of my parents passed I felt like it was my responsibility out of all my siblings to give them permission, to tell them it was okay and that nobody has to live forever. In my father’s case I had moved back in for a few months to help out as a caregiver and explicitly asked him if he had any fears or regrets the night before his final morning:

No, I’ve had a pretty good life and I’m all paid up for a bed burning.”

That last bit means that he had already contracted somebody for cremation services and paid in advance so we wouldn’t have to figure that out in the midst of morning. He was thoughtful like that.

There’s a Tom Waits song where he says “and I sleep with my shovel and my leather gloves” and a noise track called Shoveler’s Void on a cassette album by an outfit called Wretched Worst – those two do a decent job of summing up how I feel about the whole thing. I think it was part of my temperament and destiny even before this incident. In High School English class I animated the entire gravedigger scene from Hamlet and provided all of the voices.

I’m not sure if I’ve gone into it too much in any of these stories but I’m a rapper. I started in sixth grade when I wrote a rap song for my classes D.A.R.E. presentation but a super religious girl went home and told her parents about it who called the school and said they weren’t comfortable with their daughter rapping so my class had to do something else. This is the sort of thing I can barely believe actually happened but it did. The song was extremely wholesome:

Each day on the streets another life is ended. This could be stopped if these people were defended. If they knew what to do in this kind of situation. That’s why there’s Drug Abuse Resistance Education!”

Now that it’s all typed up I’m sort of bitter about it. It’s super catchy and extremely earnest sounding – my class should have blown away the assembly audience and then gone on to perform my piece at other schools and national conferences and shit. I’m sure that would have happened if not for that girl’s rap hating parents.

Anyway I was in a couple of ‘80s style party rap groups with two other women both times. I entered a Freestyle Rap Battle at City College and got second place but it actually wasn’t fair because the tagger crew that worked at Pokez started beefing with a rival crew and knocked over a lemonade cart giving my opponent almost 15 minutes to compose his riposte. Even though I was in second place they put a full color photo of me on the cover of the next City College newspaper and a tiny black & white one of the kid who beat me on page 8. The caption said “Nope! It’s not a protest!” because I guess I didn’t look how rappers were expected to look like in 2005.

Some people think Bleak End at Bernie’s is rap but it’s not. It’s Industrial.

So it’s Summer of 2000 and I’m at a party with Badger and Ben Jovi. It was at this kid Jon’s house who went to my High School and his parents were well-to-do College Professors and had a nice place by SDSU. I can’t remember his last name but I think it was hyphenated. Him and his best friend Ramon were really into The Beastie Boys and skateboarding and that sort of thing. There was a very classic DJ setup that Jon was spinning from – “two turntables and a microphone” like the popular Beck song.

Badger was trying to get me to rap all night, I guess you could say he was “badgering” me. I was getting progressively more drunk, not like blackout territory because I still remember this very clearly. Spicy. Mean spirited. Vindictive. Jon started laying down a rap beat for me and I started ripping into Badger about the fact that I had buried his unborn baby in rhyme:

I put that baby where the sun don’t shine.

I’m glad that child was no son of mine.

I put your baby underneath the earth.

I buried your baby what the fuck you worth?”

There was quite a bit more but I don’t clearly remember it. There might have been the odd slant rhyme and I wasn’t using a lot of polysyllabic words or doing the thing where there’s rhymes inside the lines instead of just at the end but it was all essentially sound. There were little slow parts toward the wind down where I’d go up to different girls in the audience and kind of take their hands and go:

Girl, if you miscarry it I’ll bury it!”

Sort of in the style of like a romantic slow dance sort of rap track. Badger was, I don’t know exactly what to call it, sort of thunderstruck or dumbfounded I suppose. I’d imagine he was feeling some mixture of admiration, shame and a kind of “press a button get a cookie” feeling surrounding having pressured me to grab the mic and start rapping in the first place. I don’t think we had talked about this topic before and I’m not sure if Martina had told him anything or not.

It’s extremely unlikely but I like to think he was reflecting on the parable of Jupiter and the frogs.

When I wrote about feeling comfortable as a psychopomp and gravedigger I’m sure I made the whole thing sound very healthy and well adjusted. And at this stage it pretty much is but there was definitely some darkness in learning that I had been an unwitting participant in the internment of human remains. I exorcised and unloaded that darkness onto Badger during the freestyle rap session, not because I thought he should have been the one to dig that particular hole but because it had to go somewhere.

There was a point earlier that summer or maybe even before that when Badger and Ben Jovi were hanging out at a coffee shop in Hillcrest. There was a girl there who had just come back from Norway because she was addicted to heroin and her parents thought that would get her off of it. I guess my friends thought she and I were vibing. I was pretty oblivious to that sort of thing but I remember Ben Jovi making knowing eyebrows at me.

We all ended up back at her and her roommate’s apartment. Her roommate had constructed this crazy glass multi-chambered device for smoking marijuana that kind of looked like the play zones that people build for their hamsters and gerbils. Everyone else was smoking a little bit of weed somebody had but I didn’t do that yet. This new kind of gum with fresh breath crystals had been released that supposedly made visible sparks if you chewed it in the dark. Me and the girl went in the bathroom and turned off the lights to try it. I don’t remember seeing sparks or whether or not we kissed.

She showed me a copy of Emperor’s first demo tape that she had brought back from her time in Norway. The one with a many headed alchemical dragon illustration on the cover. The timeline seems a little off as it was released around 1991 but it looked legit enough. I was into Mortiis by then but hadn’t listened to any Black Metal yet and wasn’t aware of the connection.

She didn’t put it on. Ben Jovi disparagingly said that Emperor “sounds like a guitar and wind”. I really like their stuff now especially Anthems to the Welkins at Dusk.

When we ended up in her bedroom she told me that she had just had a baby but had to give it up for adoption and didn’t know how to feel about it. She put on the Belle and Sebastian Dog on Wheels EP and turned it up really loud and set it to loop. She undressed completely and laid down in her bed. Her body was covered with scars from injecting like mine is now. She told me to take off all my clothes and get in bed with her so I did.

She laid perfectly rigid, our bodies just touching at the calf and shoulder. She fell asleep like that and I laid awake all night listening to those four songs on repeat. By morning I knew all the words to every one of them and really liked the band. It’s been almost a mark of shame ever since – that I’m a Belle and Sebastian fan. A lot of people will look at this and think that she wanted me to initiate sex but I don’t think she did. I think she didn’t want to be alone.

I would run into her on the street sometimes when I started using the same drugs. She had lost a lot of weight. I heard that something was wrong with her heart and a doctor had told her that if she didn’t stop injecting cocaine she was going to die.

She didn’t stop injecting cocaine.

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