Psychiatric Tissues – The history of iconic noise rock band Arab on Radar – By Jeff Schneider

If you are anywhere close to my age and consider yourself, as I do, a “scene historian” in any capacity I know of one special trick by which you can force yourself to feel something: important, useless, conscripted, powerless, misguided, etc. i don’t know enough about you to tell you which emotion will be triggered – only that I can promise with near certainty that one will manifest.

Ok, here’s the trick – consider the New York Time’s Bestseller Please Kill Me by Legs McNeil and Gillian McCain. Next consider that this milestone in rock journalism as oral history was published in 1996 and the roots of “punk”, according to the text, began to seriously gel with The Stooges and MC5 around 1970-ish. I’m not here to get pedantic or start any arguments about who wore glitter or pushed members of the audience first but rather put things in a temporal perspective: approximately a quarter of a century separates the first stirrings of proto-punk from the appearance of Please Kill Me on bookstore shelves around the world.

If, like me, you were traveling the country around the turn of the millennium to drink in the myriad ways that the worlds of underground art and music positively oozed raw creative energy you know that 1) things were just as vital as the punk scene lionized in Please Kill Me and 2) another 25 years later we’ve reached the perfect moment for a similar all-encompassing document as younger generations of kids, led to the tunes by music blogs, file sharing and algorithms, want all the mythology they can get their hands on.

The largest hurdle is the “umbrella problem” or, in simpler terms what to call it all. “Punk’” was the perfect word for a time and place, no matter how disparate various music under the banner may appear, and with the addition of “chain” and “egg” qualifiers many still claim punk with an “if it ain’t broke why fix it?” philosophy. The total cannibalization of the early nineties Seattle scene by A&R zombies screaming “grunge!” instead of “brains!” has left some reasonable reservations towards Greeks bearing gifts in the form of hyped up new genre names.

The last serious effort of this kind I remember seeing was Electroclash! and it predictably fell on its face. The new trend of constantly naming microgenres – Witchhouse, Sea Punk, Vaguewave, etc. feels more like a self referential joke than a serious marketing attempt – not to say it can’t sell records. I’d still like a catchy name that combines the tolerance for total artistic experimentation with the DIY ethos that colors the most compelling music of this era but may have to satisfy myself with something as simple as “noise rock”.

Anyway we’ve waded impressively far into this review without even a mention of the literary work that inspired it so now’s a good time to mention that Schneider characterizes Arab on Radar as “No Wave” – a more experimental and unapologetically art-inflected movement that predates punk. It is also important to look at Arab on Radar within the diverse experimental music landscape of Providence, Rhode Island. As a San Diegan I met my fair share of underground residents who idolized my hometown due to The Locust and other hardcore acts but in my own case I felt a special magnetism toward Providence.

If I’m going to be super technical things started for me with The Talking Heads, although they weren’t technically a RISD band, but Shepard Fairey would be a less tenuous starting point. By 1994 he’d moved to San Diego and assembled a powerful street team from my friends and acquaintances in the graffiti subculture. His Obey Giant stickers also began showing the influence of Russian Constructivism and as a dedicated fan I filled detailed notebooks with examples of every new design and color way – catalogued meticulously by location and date of collection.

The moment that turned Providence into a borderline religious pilgrimage destination came when I finally discovered that my favorite hand silk-screened mini comix and noise rock records were all pouring from a shared art space in a former mill called Fort Thunder. I called their phone, got permission from Jim Drain to move in and spent a month narrowly avoiding subjecting the FORCEFIELD performance costumes to my compulsive bed wetting before spending my twentieth birthday at a formative noise show.

I already knew the Arab on Radar guys before this. I saw them in at least two different colors of Dickie’s and hopped in their van earlier that year to ride along to Venice Beach. As a lifelong Californian it was a bit of culture shock watching pasty New-Englanders rub sunblock (I never touch the stuff) above denim cut-offs and buying matching Ray-Ban’s.

Let me put things a different way: every time friends have dragged me to an East Coast beach with grassy dunes and chilling breezes I feel a certain pressure to pretend to enjoy myself despite every single thing about the water, sand and general ambiance feeling “wrong”. Maybe some of the AoR crew were feeling the same and missing their flimsy wooden fences, salt grass and American beach grass.

Shifting back to music the only word for myself at these earlier stages was “fan”. I’ve read of near empty Fireside shows and hostile fans but can tell you with certainty that me and the Belden House crew brought the energy and enthusiasm at every show from 1999 to 2001. 21 and up was a different matter – I might have even gotten a roomie’s ID cut in half attempting to see the guys at The Empty Bottle.

One of my favorite bits was when Schneider placed the aluminum headstock of his Kramer, or other electric guitar with a strong neck, on the floor and swung forward in an arc with his stomach resting against the lower body. Total annihilation of rock instruments and proletariat bodies was the order of the day, not to mention conventional song structures, and I did my part by running at the old bowler’s benches and causing a complete flip when I threw my shoulder into the “ass groove” and launched my ankles skyward.

Besides buying Repopulation Program, You’re Soaking In It! and any other compilation I could find for Load or Providence I scooped up a vinyl copy of Rough Day at the Orifice. Along with the menacing high pitched guitars and frantic, confessional vocals I loved the pink sleeve design on brown cardboard and the tiny bits of hair Mat Brinkman had mixed in the printing ink. It almost looked like Andy Warhol’s prints with glitter or diamonds if the light hit things right.

Schneider talks about not signing with Load in the book and I do wonder how such a move could have panned out for them. Skin Graft, and then later 31G, seemed to be giving their all but would a local label have been able to give more support? As many great bands were on Load but nobody ever sold quite like Lightning Bolt, questions about relative sizes of fish and ponds are reasonable – there’s no easy answer.

It was always a riot throwing Rough Day on the family turntable and hearing my father read out the title in his Arkansas farm boy drawl. You wouldn’t be missing the pun or double entendre if he had anything to say about it – and he always did. Although I may have once and simply forgotten I really do regret not seeing the band with Andrea. I’ve played in only a couple of bands without women and it’s not something I’m looking to repeat.

The energy changes and I’m just not at home in a “guy van”.

My father, himself a complex discharge from the navy for insubordination, also got a real kick out of reading out the dirty song titles and lyrics. I went to Mr. Pottymouth’s poetry reading at Quimby’s and never felt too offended by the subject matter. When Joey Karam from The Locust started Le Shok with that one explicit record cover it always felt like they were low key biting AoR’s schtick – in a way that wasn’t especially shocking.

Maybe Eric Paul, aka Mr. Pottymouth, would cringe at the comparison but in recent years I’ve always thought of his former stage persona as a living avatar of Quagmire from Family Guy. (in terms of repressed New England sexuality, not his poetry skills). I actually wanted to talk about the working class and, for want of a better word, “townie” aspects of Arab on Radar. Schneider makes it clear that he and his band mates came up around Federal Hill, had family members connected to former mayor Cianci’s “Old Providence” and never quite fit in with the RISD and Brown students.

From my view across the country I never saw things looking too cliquey but there were clear cultural delineations between bands: On the “townie” side sits Sub-Pop signed Six Finger Satellite, Arab on Radar, Dungbeetle, Landed, Olneyville Sound System, White Mice, Curmudgeon Clique, perhaps 25 Suaves and assorted J./Jon von Ryan projects. On the art school side we start with Les Savy Fav, then Black Dice, Mudboy, Lightning Bolt, FORCEFIELD, Lazy Magnet, Kites, SHV, Russian Tsarlag and more recently Human Beast.

I don’t know enough about the early lounge/exotica movement to place anyone and even my favorite Providence folk duo, The Iditarod, is as much of a mystery in this regard as Amoebic Ensemble. It’s hard to know every tiny detail about a city you only slept in for three weeks – even if you’re as big of a nerd as I am. The class struggle bits are not to talk shit but instead an overly simplified attempt to pick Arab on Radar apart and see what made them tick.

The death of the trades, the entitled attitudes of art school kids and a constant feeling of “impostor syndrome” in the world of experimental music could account for some of the shoulder chips but not all of them. If Schneider is to be believed good old fashioned sexual frustration filled the balance. Even with a national roadmap to the finest purveyors of extreme European pornography and a religiously followed rotation as to who cranks the hog in what order when in hotel bathrooms it seems like nothing could effectively stem the pressure.

Imagine bailing out a sinking boat but the boat is full of mayonnaise that pours down the leg of some terrycloth shorts and you start to get an idea. Sometimes the simple act of release takes on the dimensions of a Herculean Labour. In these sections Schneider starts to almost read like Peter Sotos and it’s entertaining enough. In contrast to the old saying that “an army travels on its stomach”, Arab on Radar appear to have done so on their nutsacks.

Despite the constant urges Jeff and his band mates behaved respectfully to any female artists, promoters and traveling mates they accompanied except for one exception. The Need was an experimental metal band from Olympia, WA who happened to be lesbians and something caused Jeff to view them as a band “that put identity above music” and even blame them for the disappearance of free thought in the music underground.

Perhaps being a little younger, growing up in California instead of New England and identifying as a feminist my whole life shifted my views on lots of this stuff. I never once considered The Need an overtly political or identity centered band. They were a shredding guitar band with innovative upright drum parts and vocal melodies and the fact that I wouldn’t get attacked for my colorful eye makeup watching The Need but would seeing death metal heavyweights Nile (ironically if you know how ancient pharaohs wore makeup) was simply a bonus.

It sounds like someone from AoR was defacing The Needs’s posters when touring ahead of them and a small verbal altercation ensued. For those that didn’t tour in 99/2000 posters in a venue was all the promo you had unless a weekly ran an ad or blurb. Schneider is a therapist now so maybe he’s made some progress on this.

Most ironic is that while complaining that The Need were “political” and “pushed identity”, Arab on Radar did the exact same thing in a different way. As a working class band in a scene dominated by art school kids their plumber style uniforms were a statement of class struggle and a clear message that they held more in common with the workers stocking green rooms with band’s rider cheese and veggie plates than the entitled would-be “rock stars” throwing this shit out the window.

Enough of that. Let’s break this rock music autobiography down in terms of what the public expects in books of this type:

1) SEX – all the frustrated masturbation you could dream of. One band member suffers family loss and drowns the emotions in all kinds of women. I thought it odd that Schneider hints at every member dallying with a fifteen year old girl but himself – did he abstain or is he being discrete for his wife’s sake? Glass houses and all… Some band business conducted in peep shows and strip clubs is vividly described.

2) DRUGS – mostly absent. Plenty of weed is smoked and sometimes it fucks with guitar playing. If the hard stuff shows up I blinked and missed it. Probably for the best – the last thing the kids need is another Please Kill Me telling them they can’t be authentic punks unless they pick up a needle but if you only read rock bios for dope and coke stories this ain’t for you. Someone trips and has a bad time in Dunkin’ Donuts.

3) ROCK N’ ROLL (aka FIGHTING) – According to the book these guys grew up rough and the move to cerebral art rock didn’t slow them down any. Best section for this stuff is definitely an early Marilyn Manson gig in Rhode Island. Disgruntled fans learn how far the opening band (AoR) can be pushed. Not too far it turns out. I seem to have forgotten a knuckle duster or two – more surprises for you when you read it!

Finally, should you read this book? Absolutely! While primarily focused on his own band Jeff clearly cares quite a lot about music and documents 94 – 02 Providence, and the national underground circuit, perfectly. His views on squat houses (and their watered down spaghetti) are hilarious and it’s definitely a fun day or two of reading with no lags. Plenty of super funny random anecdotes out of left field.

The biggest tragedy of the turn of the millennium underground is that everything was being documented on early websites and hosting services like Angelfire. That’s all gone now and lost to the ether. If a service is free you’re the product and our burgeoning scene stopped being profitable for our digital “hosts” a long time ago. Something to remember when entrusting our content to Facebook, X, Instagram and my own reliance on WordPress. Shit, I really need to make a backup.

Anyway it’s a minor miracle that Jeff remembered as much as he did, took the time to write it up and even created a printing house for himself and other voices. These kinds of efforts need to be lauded and supported.

They’re all we have and when Instagram, Facebook and others eventually shutter their virtual doors Psychiatric Tissues will still be a physical book with no wi-fi or web hosting required.

That said, if you are a close AoR fan left lost and angry from the divorce and want to know why Mommy and Daddy don’t love each other no more this is not the book for you. Something ego – Something substance problem – all super vague. Fans closer to the 2002 breakup and failed 2010 reunion might see more in these passages than I could. Eric, the singer’s, testimony might be more detailed but less believable. Couldn’t say.

I prefer to remember how things were that last night I saw them on Oops! Tour in 2002. Knitting Factory in Hollywood! Tried to bring my insane homeless friend but se said it sounded “really annoying!” Arab slayed! Bolt slayed! Locust slayed! Hella’s not really my jam.

Anyway it was a nice note to go out on!

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New York 2010 : The Tinies Chapter Three “I hear the sound of mandolins”

As I’ve been writing all of these pieces I’ve mostly been avoiding going into much detail concerning sex and relationships. I want to be respectful of my partners, both past and present, and I want to avoid anything that could reduce the people I’ve loved to a catalogue of conquests. There’s honestly no way to tell this story without describing what was happening between me and Skadi though so I have to at least try.

If I didn’t think every experience had elements of the universal I wouldn’t be writing these pieces at all but this bit may well be particular to me. For every new partner sex has been a new language I’ve had to learn. Patterns persist but particulars change, stresses move between syllables, entire phonemes may be inexplicably absent. Sometimes it unfortunately works out that there is no shared language at all – the attraction and desire will be there but our bodies simply refuse to communicate.

I don’t think Skadi and me ever found a shared language but beneath that was a primal sense of urgency. I don’t know if it had something to do with pheromones but it felt like nature was demanding that we be coupled and joined. As if the innominate spirit of our species was determined to see our genes combined and pushing us toward this conclusion with all the force of instinct.

I couldn’t have imagined trying to fight it.

It wasn’t like this immediately but rather something we discovered with time the more we gave in to it. Like twisting a volume knob only to discover that it has no limit and as long as you continue to twist the sound becomes painfully louder. In the end we were never able to consummate – the buildup and pressure was too much.

I’m getting a bit ahead of the narrative. I flew out to New York near the end of December with my mother and older sister. After my father’s death my mother decided to go to see her own mother one last time before the progression of her multiple sclerosis might make it impossible and her mother’s dementia less rewarding. We came along to help and of course I had made plans to travel with Skadi and Etain and play a short Northeastern tour.

We met up at a big New Year’s Party in a pair of neighboring Brooklyn punk houses. Skadi and Etain had told me about how these two houses always went all out to decorate for complementary themes. This time around it was Heaven and Hell – severe lighting and construction paper flames in one house while the other was full of crosses and white balloons. I had brought along my sister who is not a natural at parties so most of my night was spent looking after her.

One or two days after the girls picked me up to drive to our first show in Baltimore. I always played at America in those days – a slowly growing West Baltimore warehouse run by a dude named Door. I didn’t include this detail in the Living Hell chapters but there’s an anecdote from that tour’s Baltimore show I’m really fond of. It would help if I explained that Door and I are both tall and were wearing lots of eye makeup circa 2007.

Anyway that night on the Living Hell tour we either didn’t play on the bus or split the show between the bus and a brick and mortar venue. Wherever it was you walked up some stairs to get to the show part and I was sitting at the bottom to collect some money for the tour. This girl came up to me:

I thought you were that guy Door!”

Without missing a beat I replied:

No, I’m the door guy.”

Hilarious, right?

Anyway Bleak End at Bernie’s was still a fairly new project but I had played at America once before when Rusty and Maggie Burke were doing a sibling noise project called Pandafax.

This time around the space had nearly doubled in size and we played in the newer half that was like a big loading bay. All three of us played our sets and it looks like Daren was in town to do Driphouse and Rusty had a thing called Heavy Necklace. I mostly remember hanging out after the music – the night was brutally cold and Door built a fire in the middle of the floor. He was still wearing a lot of makeup that year and either Etain or Skadi said something about me knowing “all the goths”.

He mentioned somewhere in the night that the sliding metal door behind us opened and we could even drive the car inside. Unfortunately none of us thought to take him up on it. We woke up at dawn to the distinctly personal sound of breaking glass. At the beginning of 2010 dedicated GPS units that looked like a tiny smart phone connected to the dashboard were still relatively common.

The one in Etain’s Jetta had been left so that it was visible through the window.

It was a perfectly horrible way to start the day. The window itself was probably worth more than the electronic device it had been broken to steal but most pressing was the fact that we would have to drive back to New York in below zero weather. I bought a roll of duct tape at a gas station and blocked off the window with a piece of cardboard so that the heater could warm up the inside of the car.

We rode back in awkward, defeated silence and somewhere along the way Etain told us she was done. The triangle had run it’s course – the feelings that brought her to tears in San Diego were continuing to amplify and the window was a literal breaking point. However the cross country drive without me had gone things were untenable for her now.

I had set up shows for us in Boston and Maine and Skadi still wanted to travel together and play them so she decided to drive just the two of us. It might seem like it would have made the most sense to plan out all the Northeastern dates as a couple to begin with but at the time we were all just swept up in it. It’s a testament to the power of whatever forces were pulling the three of us together that Etain was determined to see it through for as long as she was.

Things shifted when Skadi and I no longer had anyone to focus on but each other. On the road to or from Boston she took me to see the Nature Lab at RISD her alma mater. I wrote a piece about the circumstances surrounding a show I was supposed to play in Providence a week or so later called “show” cancelled.

Boston was more or less a pit stop to pick up Ryan Riehle on the way to Maine. We played in his basement and he built a fire in his backyard that we took turns riding over on the swing he had hanging from the tallest tree. Ryan was struggling with the ancient boiler at the heart of the Alston house and only a handful of people showed up.

The Maine show was at the Waterfall Arts Center in Belfast. I suddenly got a spark of recollection that I was with Skadi when I wanted to show her a video of Taboo on YouTube and the first one to come up happened to be them making fun of me for calling the police the last time I’d been in Belfast. I wish there was some way to find that video again but a lot of the uploads I loved to watch around 2010 seem to have disappeared.

It was a night of super groups. Chris and Bonnie had a project with James Lusardi and Grace called Evil Spirits. It was pure malevolent energy channeled through dual drum kits, most likely a guitar and bass and everybody on vocals. I used to piss off a marijuana grower I worked for by talking about the concept for a dark jam band called The Hateful Dead and Evil Spirits perfectly encapsulated the way I would imagine something like that sounding. I don’t know if anything ever got recorded with them.

Ancestral Diet was also playing. I could have sworn that this early incarnation included Dan Beckmann from Uke of Space but when I looked it up it said that the band was just Clay Camaro from Caethua and Andy Neubauer from Impractical Cockpit. I remember that Amy Moon was at this show and said that the way I screamed in my music reminded her of their infant son Olai. This was the last time I saw the Uke of Space and Taboo crews together before the lifestyle changes that accompany caring for a child caused them to grow apart.

Christopher Forgues was also in town and played the show as Kites. I think he was staying at RoHeGe while we went back to Chris and Bonney’s because I didn’t see anymore of him on this trip. It was the last time me and Skadi played a show together. She probably did her cover of the Swans ballad God Damn The Sun.

I wish it had gotten recorded somewhere.

I wrote a bit more about this visit in the recent piece on Taboo’s Wheel party. Chris shot some scenes for a most likely unfinished movie with me and Ryan and we helped him drag a piece of plywood across his yard for something. He fell to one knee while carrying it and we joked about how much it looked like the scene from Passion of the Christ when Christ collapses under the cross.

Me and Skadi never had a conversation about what we were but we did meet up for a day back in New York that both of us referred to as a “date”. I met her near Columbia University and we walked through the Freedom Tunnel until we found an exit near The Natural History Museum. This was the last day that everything felt bright – made of pure potential with no cause to worry about the future.

When I went to see her in Westchester County I knew that it was our last day. The magnetism between us had not begun to wane but she made a choice not to allow herself to be pulled because she knew I wouldn’t be good for her and there was a darkness and heaviness to everything between us. Maybe it’s not accurate to call it a choice – ultimately we all want what we want and act accordingly. We don’t get to decide what we want, we look inside of ourselves for answers that are already waiting.

Most likely it was as much of a natural reaction as the moment she suddenly slammed the door when we first set eyes on each other and I pointed a fake gun at her – just happening somewhat slower over a much longer period of time.

We wanted each other physically but the weight and expectation surrounding it were too much to contend with. When it came to the moment the parts in question simply refused to fit together. Relief came not from taking the physical to it’s logical conclusion but walking away from it – accepting that the reality could never live up to the pressure of anticipation and deciding not to do it at all.

We started to watch some videos on her computer instead. I put on David Bowie’s version of Wild is the Wind and Skadi couldn’t believe that the song actually says:

You touch me, I hear the sound of mandolins”

We started watching every possible recording – the original, Cat Power, Nina Simone – just to see how the different singers would contend with the unwieldy line. Every time the words were delivered Skadi would squirm in innocent delight:

You kiss me, with your kiss my life begins”

I never would have argued with Skadi about her decision not to pursue things further but I did not take it well. I think I resented the fact that she had the strength to resist it. It’s one thing when feelings are unrequited but it’s something else entirely when you know the other person is feeling the exact same thing and still decides against it.

It took me back to an experience in High School when I was still almost completely romantically naive. I’d been talking to a girl named Kendall. We briefly kissed in one of the Super 8 films I was making with my friend Tim. I felt something similar – a mysterious attraction that seemed bigger and more powerful than either one of us. She said she felt the same thing but still decided not to pursue it.

It seemed unfair.

The exact way it made me feel was betrayed.

Skadi and I continued to talk but not very frequently. When my travels brought me through the East Coast she’d come by my shows. In the Summer of 2010 we stood on a roof somewhere in Brooklyn and she told me the plot of the movie Avatar because she’d just seen it and I hadn’t watched it yet. I was wearing a long synthetic braid in my hair and she kept grabbing it to explain how the characters would communicate with the different dragon things they ride.

I just remember it because she seemed excited about the movie and I was still hopeless. The mysterious thing had not released it’s grip on me. I probably saw her some time in 2011 too but what I really remember is the Trapped in Reality tour in 2012. She came by the bar we were playing in Philadelphia and the moment I set eyes on her I knew I was finally free. It was humbling.

I would see Etain around the same time but separately. In the Summer of 2012 she was working in a boat motel somewhere in Far Rockaway. Our relationship began to take on the innocence and easiness that should have been there from the beginning. She says “I love you” when we talk now sometimes. It’s not always easy for me to say it back but of course I do.

I’m married now. Etain’s married. Skadi’s practically married though I doubt she’d call it that and I don’t really know enough to say. I thought that it was important for me to tell this story because it has characters in it that change but now that I’m telling it it’s more difficult than I thought it would be. There’s so much in it that I don’t understand – so many pieces that I simply don’t have.

I wrote a song about the whole experience with Lux while we were doing the band Voiheuristick Necromorph. I vaguely based it on the fairy tale of Snow White and Rose Red where I performed my part and Lux was supposed to be a fusion of Etain and Skadi:

I wish that I could somehow be, the beast you think I am

The dwarf is dead The Bear’s Skin’s gone, I’m just a fucking man!”

It was inaccurate enough in that nobody ever saw me as a monster but I think it was more inaccurate in continuing to view Skadi and Etain as a unit. They had been a unit and somewhere in the process of the three of us becoming a unit they stopped being a unit. Maybe there’s a metaphor somewhere in Chemistry – like an atom that binds with a molecule to cause it to separate back into individual atoms.

I don’t want to overstate my importance in this – Skadi and Etain would likely have been growing apart no matter what. I never saw both of them in the same place again after the moment Etain stopped traveling with us and I didn’t hear anything about them playing any more shows together. It was definitely a turning point and I was definitely a catalyst.

What I’m realizing now is not only do I not know either of them particularly well but maybe I never properly saw them at all. I never looked at Skadi and saw just Skadi. I never looked at Etain and saw only Etain. Whatever my relationship was to either of them at the same time I was pursuing a relationship with something that never existed at all: a chimera of two separate human women that would never set foot outside of my own personal mythology.

That leaves me. I promised at the outset of this story that it would result in its characters being permanently changed but besides the small details I’ve already mentioned the only character I’m truly qualified to comment on being changed from this experience is myself. When I first met Skadi and Etain big changes were already happening in my life – most importantly my father had just passed away.

I’ve written in other pieces about my brief and careless career with magic, usually dark, and the different ways the consequences of my hubris brought that to an end. I’ve written about losing my hat – it sounds mind numbingly trivial when I write it down but it was a clear signal from the universe that I was not immune from consequences. That I was vulnerable.

This entire experience was a far more visceral reminder of that vulnerability. When I first laid eyes on Skadi and Etain and they first laid eyes on me I was dressed as a ridiculous and decadent witch. To Aminah, the friend they were staying with, it felt like I had put them under the power of some kind of spell. The reality was that all three of us had been bewitched and my hand was not the one on the wand but I enjoyed the fiction and leaned into it as much as possible.

There was only one way that things could have reasonably gone. Skadi was a Peter Pan and I was a melodramatic foppish Captain Hook – of course I was destined to lose. What I wasn’t prepared for was the length of time that the enchantment would require before finally releasing me from its grasp. I spent two lonely years effectively on my knees and while I didn’t give up magic entirely I certainly gave up the carefree and chaotic manner I had first pursued it with.

2012 was a big year for changes. A long count Baktun of the Mayan Calendar rolled to its conclusion – marking the death of the fourth sun and the birth of our current sun: the fifth. The first man made robotic rover, the Curiosity, landed on the surface of Mars and began sending live video feeds of its explorations back to Earth. The discovery of an elementary particle called the Higgs boson revolutionized the fields of Particle and Quantum Physics.

I ended my life as a bachelor and began my new life as a married man.

Me and LaPorsha have been married nearly ten years on paper and are coming up on the eleven year anniversary of when we first considered ourselves effectively bound. This period of time has not been without strife and chaos, there was homelessness and the loss of every single object either of us had accumulated in our lives, but beneath that is a stability unlike anything I’d previously encountered.

From my current vantage point I can look back at previous periods of my life: my behavior, my creativity, my endless travels and recognize how much of it was the manifestation of my biological drive for partnership. That isn’t to say I’m not creative now, you are reading a portion of the largest artistic endeavor of my life, but rather that it has lost a sense of urgency that once was there.

It used to be nearly impossible for me to create anything: zines, music, colorful construction paper collages, unless I was on the road and traveling. Now it is nearly impossible for me to create unless I am in my house.

The force that I described experiencing three times way back at the beginning of the first chapter – I haven’t experienced it again and it seems unlikely that I ever will. There is something that feels final and satisfying about the number three, it seems to belong to youth and if it is the work of a singular entity there are other people and other lives for this entity to disrupt and change instead of those of the other people in these stories and myself.

That feeling like we were about to shake up and redirect each other’s lives the moment we laid eyes on one another? I didn’t feel that the first time I met my wife and the connection was not immediate – it took time and the intervention of outside agents. Once it did happen it felt like something I hadn’t experienced in the same way ever before.

It felt like home.