Oakland 2013 : “I think the Universe was intending for that to be my meth wallet!”

Maybe I’m totally wrong about this but I imagine that there are some readers who are mostly here for the underground art and music stuff and just kind of roll their eyes through the drug sections or scan ahead until I start talking about a show again. And then of course there would be readers who just want to hear about crazy drug stories and just kind of feel like:

Why the fuck would I want to read about some lame ass band that broke up in less than a year? Get on to the sniffing, smoking and shooting!”

Then of course there would be the third type of reader that absolutely lives for the content that focuses on these separate but connected worlds like a rarely available but absolutely delicious version of a Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup. I could be drastically underestimating how rare this kind of reader is. Books about the earliest days of Punk like Please Kill Me are absolutely full of bands and drugs and clearly have a broad audience but I feel like that’s a little different only because all of those bands have gone on to be at least moderately well known.

I was thinking about something kind of like this when I was just recently having a conversation with AT from Attitude Problem at the Blog Cabin Reunion that just went down in New Mexico. I had discovered since writing the Fort Thunder chapters that both AT and Jeremy Harris from Lazy Magnet had been playing in USAISAMONSTER at the show that happened on my twentieth birthday. I remember that the band was five different people but for whatever reason I had only really talked and vibed with Tom and Colin.

While I’m on this topic I should also mention that I recently remembered that the band Mastodon played the same show. They were a still fairly underground group at this stage as opposed to the mainstream metal juggernaut that they are today and didn’t seem particularly out of place. I might as well mention that a group called Duct Tape Union also played – I don’t know anything about them except that they were probably local.

Anyway meeting AT and Jeremy many years later I never realized that we had all actually met at Fort Thunder way back in August of 2000. So I was talking to AT about what was exciting and attractive about Fort Thunder and I brought up this thing that Mat Brinkman said in an interview in The Comics Journal – basically that people who are into noise records are mostly not that into comics and people that are into comics are mostly never into noise records.

I know it’s not completely never as the thing that first drew me to Fort Thunder was discovering some of Mat Brinkman and Brian Chippendale’s mini-comics and then what cemented my need to actually go there was separately discovering the music of Lightning Bolt and Forcefield. I think my earliest exposure to the Fort Thunder comics world was a booklet called Coober Skeber Marvel Benefit Issue that was handed out free at the 1997 San Diego Comic-Con as a joke about Marvel declaring bankruptcy.

All of this is probably extremely interesting to a certain subset of people but I’ve already spent way too long in random asides so I’ll leave it as yes the bankruptcy was real, Chippendale had a Daredevil comic in it and beyond that you’ll have to look stuff up yourself. The worlds of underground music and comic books remain connected. While at the party I got to read a newer comic from Anya Davidson of Coughs called MNSTRFCKR

Image via Anya Davidson’s Whatever We Call Twitter Now

I also got to see a bunch of experimental music and take a lot of drugs. Yay comics! Yay noise music! Yay drugs! – anyway on to the actual story.

In early November of 2013 me and LaPorsha were living at my mom’s house in San Diego. We had been subletting somebody’s apartment in Koreatown but got sick of the constant hustle to come up with rent money and didn’t think living in Los Angeles was really worth it. I had just ridden down with Griffin from Sewn Leather for a show he was playing at Otras Obras in Tijuana.

I’ve already written at length in other places about the things that would eventually inspire us to move down to Tijuana ourselves but this was the period of time when we were going down a lot for shows and art openings but hadn’t actually lived down there ourselves yet. You could say it was our “honeymoon phase” with Tijuana.

I had been down enough to have contacts to set up a show when my friends from Moira Scar hit me up about playing Tijuana with their project V.E.X. It looks like Gmail has deleted the messages but I’m pretty sure I tried Otras Obras first and when that didn’t work out I was able to set it up with Mustache which shared the exact same back patio anyway. The date they needed was November Second which just so happened to be Dia de Los Muertos.

For those unfamiliar with the holiday there are actually two days of the dead. November First is for those who died as children and November Second is observed for those who died as adults. This should clear things up for anybody confused about the date. I billed the show as a “Cempasuchil Social” – the Spanish name for the marigold flowers used in Dia de Los Muertos observances and an acquaintance from the Tijuana artist community named Zophie Felina made a flyer for it.

Like most shows it didn’t really turn out the way I had pictured it. I was hoping that the locals who were interested in coming out would have just had things like marigolds and sugar skulls lying around and would maybe bring some along to decorate the place. I can see in retrospect how that was an unreasonable expectation. Dia de Los Muertos is a very traditional, family oriented holiday and deciding to go out to a goth show to see some American bands is kind of the opposite of that.

If I had already been living in Tijuana I could have made a lot of that happen myself. As it was I rode down with V.E.X. at more or less standard load in time. It no doubt would have helped things to have an actual local act on the bill but for whatever reason that didn’t happen. It might have been that the venue only wanted three bands and Little Debbie was already attached to the bill. Maybe I just didn’t try to find one.

Anyway it was a perfectly fine modestly attended rock show.

I don’t think I would have been on any drugs this night. At this point in time I was still primarily using pain pills and by the time we had driven to the venue all of the pharmacies that sell that kind of thing would have been closed. There was a homeless junkie kid I knew down there who made his living walking between all the popular downtown bars and selling assorted snacks and pre rolled joints of the shittiest weed imaginable.

I do remember a particularly dramatic moment in the night when he was lying in the actual gutter injecting himself with heroin. All of the bars knew all about his drug use and never would have permitted him to set a foot inside their bathrooms. That was most likely his best choice to have enough streetlight to see by while still using the edges of parked vehicles to stay out of sight of passing law enforcement.

So obviously it wasn’t the kind of social situation where I could just disappear with that guy to go get high for a minute. In fact I never copped with him at any point even after making the move over the border. I ended up independently discovering a trap house in a notorious neighborhood called Coahuila that this dude had heard of but said he would never go to because of how sketchy and dangerous it was.

I’m not saying this as a flex but as observation on how it can feel like there are two different sets of rules for natives and foreigners when it comes to this kind of stuff. I eventually met a few other American junkies while crossing back and forth over the border who said they frequented the same trap house so it’s not like I was particularly tough or badass for going over there.

As long as I’m on the topic I might as well mention another observation I made a few months later when I was living in Tijuana. After the trip to Northern California to look for trim work that this story will culminate it LaPorsha made a batch of weed cookies to try to sell in the United States. We accidentally brought them over the border with us and although they hadn’t attracted the attention of Mexico’s drug sniffing dogs it seemed unwise to take the same chances with their American counterparts.

We weren’t interested in eating them ourselves so the only option was to sell them off in Tijuana at a much lower price. This brought me to the kind of punk and reggae themed bars that were popular with teenagers but I wouldn’t have normally frequented. In these places I noticed that openly smoking black tar heroin seemed to be viewed as socially acceptable – this certainly wasn’t the case with the older, hipper crowd I hung around. The hardest opiate any of them openly used was tramadol.

I can’t help but wonder what’s become of the Tijuana drug scene since the cartels have switched out fentanyl for tar. It’s nice to think that they would continue to grow poppies to supply their own people but considering both the cost and labor involved and general Mexican attitudes toward drug users it doesn’t seem especially likely. It’s probably at least as hellish as things have gotten on this side of the border.

Even if friends had offered to let all the bands and entourage crash down in Tijuana the middle of the night is the only opportunity to drive back into the United States without hours of waiting so the only real option was to drive right back to my mother’s house. As soon as Roxy got back over the border one of our friends that had ridden along, a girl from Los Angeles named Ariel, started demanding that we find a 24 hour fast food drive through.

Nobody was especially sympathetic as food is everywhere in Tijuana. Not just street taco stands, there’s a straight up Burger King a couple of blocks away from the venue we were staying at. Also all kinds of clearly sanitary packaged foods like chips and cookies in every corner store and probably even the bar we played at. The dude shooting up in the gutter had sealed bags of Funyuns even.

Ariel said that she didn’t “trust” any of the food in Mexico. Roxy was way too tired from a full day of driving and wasn’t about to stop anywhere. Ariel had a full on tantrum – like actual crying. I don’t know what she did when we got back to my mom’s house. I guess either ate something there or just went to sleep.

Anyway her tantrum was a big part of why we wrote a “passive aggressive” invitation to our wedding in Mexico the next year. We didn’t want to deal with people who were afraid of the food or whatever else down there. My siblings said that message was the reason they didn’t come to the wedding. It was probably for the best.

We were sticking around San Diego for a couple more days because we had a show that Monday at The Void. That Sunday we spent the day checking out the different Thrift Stores around Spring Valley. When I’d been growing up there hadn’t been any in short walking distance from my parent’s house but now there were a couple of big ones.

I was walking through the parking lot of the one that used to be a small movie theater when I saw a yellow box of American Spirits on the asphalt. I always kicked cigarette boxes when I saw them – you can feel in an instant the difference between an empty one and a not so empty one. A not empty one might have cigarettes in it, which I did smoke in those days, or even money as people occasionally use them as wallets.

This one happened to contain a moderately sized baggie that was bulging at the edges with methamphetamine.

The feeling of this discovery reminded me of finding a five dollar bill in an Emeryville ball pit my first year of college – I instantly felt like it must have represented a far greater loss for whoever dropped it than it did a gain for me. In the ball pit this would have presumably been a young child. This time around it had to have been somebody who liked meth enough to buy a sizable quantity of it.

I don’t particularly like methamphetamine.

I had bought a sizable quantity of it at one point in time, three and a half grams or an eighth of an ounce, for the express purpose of smuggling it to Chicago with a counterfeit Greyhound pass and selling it at a profit. I have sniffed, smoked and injected the drug more times than I can count off hand but have probably declined offers of it an even greater number of times. To the best of my recollection I’ve never bought any quantity of it for personal use.

I never actually weighed the bag of meth I found but it was probably either 3.5 or 1.75 grams – an eighth or a sixteenth or “teener” which is a unit of measurement I’ve only seen used with methamphetamine. The shards were completely transparent and mostly on the smaller side although there were larger pieces. Based on my limited experience I’d classify it as mid-tier methamphetamine.

Middle-Shelf in the parlance of bar and now budtending.

Still I had found free drugs and in a respectable quantity. If you discount drugs that I’d previously bought and then misplaced it was probably the most drugs I’d ever found. It was undeniably a “come up” and I wanted to at least exchange it for something else of value – probably money. Not that differently than I would have expected if I had found a rare fossil or gold or gems.

One thing that did make it different was that I found it at least one night before me and LaPorsha were going to catch a ride up to the Bay Area with Roxy and Lulu to continue North and look for trim work. I can’t seem to remember if I found it the morning of our show at The Void but it seems like that show would have been an unsurpassable opportunity to try to find somebody who might want to buy it from me. Maybe we stuck around one extra day after that before leaving town.

What I can say for sure is there was a night at my mother’s house where I had the meth and also had a bag of clean syringes. I had the syringes because I had recently run into the woman from the piece called White Tiger’s House who used to sell me Vicodin. The whole situation at White Tiger’s House had imploded and she’d become homeless and was living near the closest shopping center. She told me she was diabetic, gave me the syringes and took me by another person’s camp she thought might be able to help me find heroin.

That hadn’t worked out. She also didn’t have any Vicodin at that point in time. She told me that she’d be getting a couple of bottles in the near future and would give me one of them if I could find her a tent.

Things hadn’t worked out for me to come across my preferred drugs for a little while. I’d been mostly messing with pain pills but my first love was injecting cocaine and heroin. I’d injected meth before but only one or two points at a time and I’d never noticed a recognizable rush.

I thought if I did a bigger shot of meth it would give me something comparable to the rush from injecting cocaine. At the same time I knew this wouldn’t happen. It was kind of like this moment years ago when my friends Steve and Badger asked this guy named Antonio to bring them drugs and when he asked what kind they answered “water soluble”.

Obviously the process of injecting drugs is an addiction in and of itself.

If I had to guess I’d probably say I did between .3 and .6 grams in a single shot. Without a scale and actual knowledge of how much the bag contained to begin with it’s nearly impossible to know. I wouldn’t describe the immediate sensation as a “rush” but I guess it’s all relative to whether you like the way something feels or not. Inhaling a blast of crack would probably feel pretty fucked up if it wasn’t something you were in the mood for or particularly liked.

At the risk of sounding inanely repetitive I don’t particularly like meth.

I did feel something immediately but it was pretty much dizziness, nausea and panic with no sense of euphoria or pleasure. I spent most of the night in a bathtub experimenting with soaking in either very hot or very cold water but neither felt especially better. I desperately felt like I needed to urinate but couldn’t seem to make it happen. I consider myself lucky that it didn’t result in some kind of permanent organ damage.

Most people in the house didn’t have any idea what was going on. Meth isn’t one of those drugs where you can just be like:

Hey I found a bag of this on the ground! Does everybody wanna do some?”

Cocaine is. In fact I’ve done that exact thing with cocaine I found on the ground. There’s a story about it up here somewhere – I think the one called Play Something Slow and Sexy. Polite society is generally either down to do some or at least not offended by the offer.

But I digress…

There was at least one girl in the house who liked meth. A friend of LaPorsha’s named Tina of all things. She has a “scene name” that she’s better known by. I guess I could add it in later if she wants to be easily recognized.

Anyway she had lost her wallet shortly before I found the meth. Maybe in Mexico or maybe even in Spring Valley. Now that I think about it she might have noticed it was missing at that very thrift store and the reason that I found the cigarette box was that I was helping her search for it. That would explain this next part a little better.

I happily gave her some of the meth. About the amount a casual user would take to be high on meth for a single night. She expressed to LaPorsha however that she felt like I should have given her all of the meth:

I think that the Universe was intending for that to be my meth wallet!”

I do understand where she was coming from in an “every cloud has a silver lining” kind of way. She had just experienced significant misfortune so she was most deserving of significant good fortune. Maybe I even specifically found it because of her loss. Still like a home run ball at a baseball game I was the one that caught it regardless of how bad a day the kid sitting next to me might have been having.

It would have been nice if she’d offered to buy it from me for significantly less than current market value. She had just lost a decent chunk of cash (and for all I know a much smaller quantity of meth) in her wallet but she always could have offered a future electronic transfer of some agreed upon amount. That would have been a win-win for everybody.

Maybe I was being unreasonable. Tina, if you’re reading this now and I had a Time Machine I’d totally just give it to you and call it a day. It certainly didn’t do me any good.

I did feel a little bit guilty about keeping it a secret from Roxy and Lulu that I was transporting drugs in their van. Still from a legal standpoint Roxy having no knowledge of it’s existence was the best possible outcome if it was going to be there anyway. In the unlikely event that we were pulled over she would have no reason to behave nervously and raise suspicion and if it were somehow discovered I could easily claim ownership and probably be the only one arrested.

I had hidden it pretty well.

This is actually the moment that I consider to be the most entertaining in this story and the reason I decided to type it up in the first place. I had hidden the meth inside of a Worlds of Wonder Talking Mother Goose and Hector. Man I really just want to write that again.

The meth was inside of a Worlds of Wonder Talking Mother Goose and Hector.

For the unfamiliar Worlds of Wonder was the company that created and marketed Teddy Ruxpin. Their main innovation was to use the left and right channels of an audio cassette to combine a story with instructions for simple animatronics. You only hear the channel with the bear’s voice coming out of the toy but the opposite channel is full of weird sounding noises that tell the motors in the mouth and eyes when to move.

Teddy Ruxpin was eventually supplemented by a caterpillar named Grubby. While only Teddy Ruxpin can play cassettes Grubby also speaks and moves his eyes and mouth by way of a special eighth inch cable between the two toys. Anyone familiar with audio work will notice that the plug on this eighth inch cable is slightly longer than the usual one on headphones and aux cables.

That extra little bit is for the robotics stuff.

When they created the Talking Mother Goose toy they decided to use the same technique from Grubby to add a small duck looking character called Hector to talk along. The main book he works with is called The Ugly Duckling so it’s possible that he is actually intended to be a very young swan. I’m embarrassed to admit that I’m not as knowledgeable about all the Worlds of Wonder lore as I’d like to be.

Since moving down to San Diego my main source of income had been buying vintage toys at yard sales, swap meets and thrift stores and then reselling them on eBay. I had gotten especially lucky with one big yard sale by my mom’s house but I was also at the point where I could look over a box of random toys and recognize obscure monsters from The Real Ghostbusters line and that sort of thing.

The same yard sale had netted me a Teddy Ruxpin and Grubby but I had already sold those off along with nearly everything else I’d accumulated. For the rarer stuff I always seemed to get the most money from an auction as opposed to a fixed price and offers and it just worked out that our ride with Roxy and Lulu coincided with a day left on this last auction.

Here is the video I made to assure potential buyers that the two toys were functioning properly:

Deep Worlds of Wonder fans will notice that this is the later version of Talking Mother Goose where the head does not move from side to side. You will also see me and LaPorsha’s first cat Catrick wearing the blue leather harness that we found for him in Tijuana. He was actually fairly used to traveling and even going to parties but we decided to leave him with my mother when we went to look for trim jobs.

An interesting and unexpected coincidence was that the woman from White Tiger’s house called me the exact moment we were pulling onto the freeway toward the Bay Area to tell me that she’d gotten the Vicodin and see if I possibly found a tent for her. I wish I had found one for her, mostly because she was older and had health problems but there was too much other stuff going on with the shows and everything and me and LaPorsha didn’t have our own vehicle yet.

Now that I think about it she used to ask me if I could help her find anything for “energy” or to “stay up” when I’d come by White Tiger’s house to buy pills from her so she probably would have been down to trade the Vicodin for the bag of meth instead. The idea didn’t even cross my mind at the time.

We stopped very briefly in the Highland Park neighborhood of Los Angeles because Roxy and Lulu wanted to go to a Farmer’s Market. I wanted to try to unload the meth but didn’t have any ideas as to what part of that neighborhood to go to or anything. I bought some tacos for me and LaPorsha and while I was waiting there was a standard issue but slightly on the softer side looking cholo guy waiting across for me.

I asked him if he fucked with meth and he said he did. I gave him a tiny bit to try in the bathroom but he only had around ten dollars on him. I gave him what seemed like twenty dollars worth but showed him how much I had and told him I was trying to get rid of it cheap if he could call anyone that might be interested.

He seemed like he was in a similar situation to me in that basically every person in his life wasn’t cool with this particular drug and he had to keep it a secret from everyone around him. The difference was that he did actually like using it while I do not. There wasn’t anybody he could call.

We continued on to Oakland and Roxy and Lulu dropped us off at Tuna Town. I really like those kids and would love to hang out with them again under better circumstances. The secret I was keeping and constant nervousness around the possibility of getting pulled over detracted from what should have been a really chill ride up a boring chunk of 5.

Maybe they’ll need a show between the Bay and Portland and decide not to do the coastal thing – that would be really cool.

So now there was no longer the lingering fear of complicating other people’s lives or getting them in trouble but I still felt like I had to get rid of it before making the trek to marijuana land. If I knew then what I know now, that half those weed farmers are tweakers and it’s worth more farther from big cities, I would have just brought it along but we didn’t feel like it would be a good look or reputation while searching for trim work for the first time.

Me and LaPorsha tried hitting up a few people but everybody said they didn’t know anybody that fucked with it which is completely understandable. I don’t currently know anybody that fucks with it – at least not very well.

I decided to try walking toward the triangular park on San Pablo because the last time I lived in Oakland I had a decent amount of success finding pain pills there. LaPorsha decided to come with me, probably because she was worried something might happen to me. We walked until I saw a guy who looked like he fucked with hard drugs sitting on the bus stop in front of that closed down 24 hour burger spot that used to take forever to make your food at night.

Maybe some other Oakland people remember this spot. I’m talking about the one that was directly across from Ghost Town Gallery where I recorded my live album called Nothing Happened. The spot was really tiny and might have had one of those San Pablo Giant Burger signs. No inside seating, just a take out window.

The deal with that place was that it was owned by a brother and sister and was essentially two different restaurants as she ran it during the day and he ran it at night. In the daytime it was pretty normal and reliable – it didn’t get too busy and the lady was very talkative and finished your food in a reasonable amount of time.

At night it was always insanely busy and the brother was always too stoned to function.

I’m talking about circa 2009 or so. It was the only possible 24 hour food spot in that part of Oakland and there was usually a decent sized line of punks leaving punk shows and super dressed up hood guys who must have been coming from a popular nightclub in the area I don’t know about. Actually good hamburgers take a long time to cook to begin with but this was amplified and exacerbated by how cartoonishly out of his head on marijuana the guy cooking the burgers and taking the orders was.

A regular hamburger took at least an hour and at the end of the hour he might have just forgotten about you and you need to order it again or cut your losses and go to sleep. I remember one night when he announced that somebody’s cheeseburger was ready and all the guys in line had ordered regular hamburgers but they started offering him double or even triple the price just to be able to get something that was actually ready. He didn’t let anybody buy it because he was worried that the actual person who ordered the cheeseburger might come back which still hadn’t happened by the time I got whatever I ordered an hour or so later.

Anyway the place went out of business not too long after and different restaurants opened in the same spot but never lasted long. I haven’t been to Oakland in a while so maybe there’s a successful business in there again. At the time of this story it was vacant.

I sat next to the guy at the bus stop and asked him if he fucked with meth or knew people that did. He said he was interested but I needed to wait for a minute so he could get well. He had a pill bottle with some black tar heroin and was adding powdered milk with a folded lottery ticket. The bottle had a couple of pennies in it for weight and he shook it to combine the two substances.

This was my first time ever seeing tar heroin prepared for insufflation in this way. I had used dope around San Francisco in the early 2000s but I was shooting it and so were the people I had been using with. A couple years earlier at Apgar some guys on the block had said that they could get me powdered heroin but it had to be made in a blender. I always pictured some kind of sophisticated machinery and never would have imagined it was just the simple household items in front of me.

After trying this one time I decided that I got a better high from doing a cold water extraction on twenty dollars worth of Vicodin and didn’t ask the neighborhood guys to score me heroin or “hop” again. I’d imagine that sounds hard to believe to a lot of people – in my earliest years of heroin use I assumed that prescription pain pills would be so weak in comparison that I wouldn’t even feel them. Of course that isn’t true and Oakland always seemed to have especially shitty heroin – even weaker than Portland although the second city is much farther from the Mexican border.

I waited for the bus stop guy to use the same folded lottery ticket to shovel several heaping piles of the powder he’d just created into his nose. He had the same constant sniffle of everybody who habitually consumes tar in this way. He asked me if I wanted any heroin or cocaine but I told him that I was only interested in money.

I hadn’t put a specific number on how much I thought the bag of methamphetamine I had found might be worth before this point but in the moment I decided on sixty dollars. Looking at the number now it doesn’t even seem worth the risk of traveling in a vehicle with it from San Diego to Oakland but that’s drugs. You take outsized risks that are never worth the money.

He counted out sixty dollars and handed it to me so I handed him the bag of meth. He crushed a small amount of it and sniffed it then immediately said that it didn’t burn and seemed to be weak. I hadn’t sniffed any of it myself but knew it was moderately potent from injecting it. That wasn’t the point anyway. He was working his way up to ripping me off.

He then said that the bag was small and looked like less than a gram which was definitely not true. I wasn’t as familiar with sizes and quantities back then but it had to be around two grams give or take. I told him if he didn’t like it he could give it back to me and I’d give him back his money. He said he was keeping the meth and repeated the demand for me to give back the money.

LaPorsha had been standing behind the bus stop and waiting. I stood up and said that if he was determined to keep the drugs we evidently had a deal and we started walking down San Pablo in the opposite direction of Tuna Town. He jumped on his bike and started riding on my heels repeatedly demanding the money back.

I don’t know what I would have done or what would have happened if I’d been alone but with LaPorsha with me I didn’t want to take the risk of him doing anything to her and just gave him the money back. By myself I probably would have tried to run somewhere a bike couldn’t follow but who knows how that would have even worked out. I also wouldn’t have wanted to lead him back to Tuna Town.

He was heavier set than I was but I wasn’t particularly afraid of him. I just wasn’t interested in fighting him over sixty dollars. Mostly I just picked the wrong guy – he was a sniffly dusty annoying motherfucker; not worth having anything to do with. My situational awareness was off.

Years later when we were homeless junkies in Oakland I never would have gotten ripped off by someone like him but that’s not some huge flex. It’s better to get ripped off by someone like him and not be a homeless junkie. Mostly they were just two different times in my life. It’s not like I’ve got huge regrets on either end.

From the moment I found it the bag of meth was a… I don’t know what to call it. It seems like there should be some reference in folklore like a monkey paw or albatross but nothing seems to exactly fit what I have in mind. Something that seems like a boon when you find it but ends up being a burden until you finally get rid of it.

I’d say bad penny but who gets excited about finding a penny? Maybe bad twenty would be more appropriate. Or just bad moderately sized bag of stigmatized hard drugs you don’t especially like using…

The Talking Mother Goose and Hector sold to somebody in Germany which shouldn’t be that surprising if you’ve ever sold Worlds of Wonder talking storybook toys on the internet. The buyer eventually sent me pictures of damage where I knew the pieces of the mouth or whatever it was could just snap back together but I had to give them a partial refund. That’s kind of on me – I should have done a better job packing the toys and adding reinforcement and padding around their heads.

This story is working out to end on a bit of a bummer note and while that can be cool I’m not really in the mood for it. So I’ll end it like this:

While we were still staying at Tuna Town I was walking back there one night by myself when I came across a tiny baby opossum sitting in the center of the roof of a parked car. The car was under a tree so presumably it had fallen or climbed down. When it saw me it tried to run to the different edges of the car’s roof but I would stand at those edges so it would retreat back to the center of the roof and I could keep looking at it.

I wanted to go get LaPorsha and bring her back to show her but I knew that as soon as I was out of sight it would climb off of the car and back into the tree. That was probably for the best. At a different point in my life I might have tried to catch it in my hands but there was no need for that.

There will be other baby opossums to show LaPorsha…

Michigan 2010 : The Land of NOD Experiment “Hot Dogs and Mojitos”

You’ll remember that at the conclusion of The Bus chapters John Benson found a cheap house online in Albion, the closest town in Michigan to where The Bus broke down, and decided to buy it. The plan was to use this house as a base of operations while working to repair The Bus using the planned engine transplant method and even to store The Bus on the property. His reasoning was sound: one generally believes that owning a house gives you the legal right to occupy it and neighborhoods where most of the houses are unoccupied and selling for a pittance on eBay won’t be subject to the vicissitudes of HOAs and the like.

Albion, in these regards, turned out to be exceptional – or at least this particular block of it did. One neighbor decided from the moment John Benson first set foot into the house that we didn’t seem like the kind of people he wanted in his neighborhood and local laws and regulations seemed to be on his side. He found a law to prevent John from being able to move The Bus onto the premises and went to work on tracking down the legal loopholes to keep us out entirely.

This was more of a war of attrition then something that happened overnight – after it became apparent The Bus wasn’t getting fixed a few different people from the extended friend network tried their hand at small town living. Jason Crumer became so frustrated with Albion that he edited the town’s Wikipedia entry to say something to the effect of “full of ignorant assholes”. That didn’t garner a ton of good will with the populace at large.

This was the larger background situation when I passed through Albion on tour with Generation and walked into the house to find a wild opossum hissing at us from inside of a cage in the center of the largest room. No one we knew was supposed to be staying there at the time so as far as we could tell there was an unknown squatter who had a penchant for keeping angry marsupials in captivity. We were feeling a little apprehensive about sticking around long enough to find out when a more innocuous explanation presented itself.

There was one person in Albion that liked having us around and wanted to help in any way he could: a punk kid named Kevin who worked at the one coffee shop. He’d been keeping an eye on the house and had noticed that the opossum had taken up residence in it. He’d borrowed a live trap from the animal shelter and we’d just happened to wander in after the animal got caught but before he’d come back to check it.

I hopped into Coffee Kev’s car for the familiar activity of “taking it for a ride” – driving the opossum far enough away that it wouldn’t find it’s way back to the house. When I was younger a mother opossum had moved her brood into my family’s garage and I helped my father capture and relocate the juveniles. I’ll never forget the way they despondently grabbed onto the bars of the cat carrier with their tiny and oddly human looking hands.

The adult from the Albion house wasn’t being as cute about it’s temporary lack of freedom – it backed into the corner of the trap and hissed every time anybody looked at it. Regardless this is my most vivid memory of Albion: driving down backroads green with tall grass and pasture, chatting with Kevin about God knows what until we decided it was far enough and watched a frightened opossum scurry off into the undergrowth.

Once we got back to the house there was barely enough time to walk upstairs and look around before the cops showed up. Apparently the problem neighbor had dug into local codes and ordinances and figured out that the house was in need of various repairs and renovations that meant it was technically illegal for anyone to stay in it until an inspection indicated the work was finished. The cops seemed embarrassed and were apologetic:

We wish nobody had called us but unfortunately somebody did and the law is on his side.”

I don’t know what eventually happened to the house or the first bus but I’d imagine that John Benson doesn’t own anything in Albion anymore. Some friends had done some digging on the neighbor and figured out that he liked parrots and motorcycles but that’s not exactly material for the kind of blackmail that could get him off of everybody’s backs. He wasn’t going anywhere. Something to think about when considering buying a dilapidated house sight unseen in a small town you know next to nothing about.

This section of the tour wasn’t that solidly booked and we ended up accepting an opportunity that was bizarre even by noise tour standards. We were supposed to be playing on a miniature bicycle powered stage provided by a recycling themed clown troupe at a major music festival. Our friend Books had been living in Detroit and getting into the clown troupe subculture with a group she called The Recy-Clown Cir-Chaos.

I don’t know very much about The Land of NOD Experiment except that there was some kind of New Orleans connection and in 2010 it was attempting to make the jump from a smaller friends camp and jam thing to a larger festival in terms of talent and infrastructure. The headliners were Of Montreal, Eagles of Death Metal and Kool Keith performing as Dr. Octagon with DJ Q-Bert. Besides that it was Trombone Shorty, Ratty Skurvics, some other New Orleans folks and a lot of smaller names.

The tone was set the moment we met up with Books for our wristbands and went through security. On this leg of the tour we were traveling and playing with Forced Into Femininity and an older female security guard thought it would be appropriate to reach out and grope Jill’s breast while asking a question made academic by her preemptive action:

Can I feel?”

The fact that she asked at all showed that she had some awareness of the necessity for consent but just didn’t care. Trans awareness and social visibility were in a slightly different place in 2010 but this woman’s actions were egregious even for a small town like Jackson, Michigan. She was essentially communicating that she saw Jill’s body and identity as a joke and Jill herself undeserving of even basic bodily autonomy. I can’t remember how anybody reacted but the unfamiliar and isolated setting meant that this violation didn’t exactly feel like a teachable moment.

The second thing to portend how the weekend was going to go was that it immediately started pouring rain and continued through most of the first night. The festival setting was on the edge of some wetlands but the weather effectively changed this to a stiflingly humid mosquito infested swamp. Judging by the sizes of the stages, sound systems, crowd control barriers and the high number of porta-potties the promoters must have been banking on attendance in the tens of thousands but I only saw a few hundred.

I don’t know anything about Eagles of Death Metal, I really enjoyed early Of Montreal when I was deep into the Elephant Six thing and Doctor Octagon was one of my favorite albums in High School. Still I felt the selection of headlining talent was somewhat eclectic, or I’m just going to say haphazardly thrown together, it didn’t feel especially curated. It would have been a great lineup for a free outdoor festival subsidized through grants and corporate sponsorships but with the expectation that people would be paying festival money it just wasn’t there – it felt like something was missing although I couldn’t say exactly what.

Ticket pre sales had evidently been disappointing and any hopes for a last minute rush at the gates were dissipated by the unfortunate turn in weather. Anyone that was feeling out the possibility of a festival experience but riding the fence due to the tepid selection of headliners was probably deciding on the free and dry side of that aforementioned fence.

The crowd that did actually show up seemed to be mainly what I would call “performative festival tryhards” – face paint, some showy hippy/steampunk/raver fashion and a dancing accessory designed to draw attention to themselves. Things like hula hoops that can be set on fire, those fringed suede covered sticks where you knock a third stick back and forth, djembes, megaphones and a few other things I’m forgetting – probably at least a slack line or two.

The main thing was that it felt like these exhibitionist types were hoping for throngs of festival greenhorns they could dazzle and impress with their bouncey stick prowess but of course they were the only ones there. Nobody was directly saying any of this but the body energy seemed clear that their basic need of being watched was not being met as everyone was too busy putting on their own show. The ground was turning into mud and most of the tents had become miserable, collapsed puddles.

The clowns were visibly around and with a few free beverages being passed out in cans they had their work cut out for them. There was a newly launched energy drink on the brink of failure, the ever elusive Red Bull girls and I think even an alcoholic option – but that was only in the backstage areas our wristbands gave us access to. I wasn’t on any oaths or pledges concerning abstinence but I don’t remember drinking and wouldn’t have been taking drugs. If LSD showed up the obvious instinct would be to save it for a setting where you might actually enjoy yourself.

The Generation siblings had opted to sit up all night in the talent area because people had mosquito repellant and the bugs were so bad they couldn’t sleep. Both of them were still quite innocent of certain worldly matters at this time and one of the themes of this tour was aggressive young women making constant confrontational sexual overtures. This made the Pickells extremely uncomfortable.

We were starting to hear talk that a lot of the performers were jumping ship because a) the festival was miserable to be inside of and b) the anemic ticket sales made it a practical certainty that anyone who wasn’t paid in advance was most likely not getting paid at all. This would turn into an opportunity for us. They were serving basic hotdogs on stiff buns without condiments – a sign of things to come.

The first night ended with a surprise headliner: DJ Bad Boy Bill. It was a last minute replacement for another headline act dropping out – Eagles of Death Metal. Ticket sales were low to begin with and I’d imagine a decent number of attendees took this as a pretext for demanding refunds. For some that may well have been the act they had mostly come for but for others I imagine it just presented an opportunity to pull the plug and recoup money on an experience that was not shaping up as advertised.

I vaguely remember watching this set from a classic Chicago House DJ with some degree of interest. The music was decent and the stage show included pyrotechnics and some fancy light effects. I went to try to sleep in the puddle that was my tent fairly early to prepare for whatever performing tomorrow would look like.

While hanging out backstage the previous evening we had chatted a small amount with the stage manager / sound engineer on the smallest stage and mentioned that we were there to perform. I was beginning to discuss the logistics of the miniature bike powered clown stage with Books when he caught my eye and motioned for me and Generation to come and talk to him. It turned out that even the smaller level acts were cancelling at an alarming rate out of fear of no payment and he was struggling to keep live music going on his specific stage for appearances.

Simply rolling an iPod playlist though all the missing acts would veer too close to acknowledging what this whole festival was: a complete and unmitigated disaster.

Books was disappointed when I informed her we wouldn’t be needing the bike stage but she had far more serious disappointments looming on the horizon. We decided to do the kind of Generation / Bleak End set that we had done at BitchPork but switched the orders around due to an unfortunate trend of spectators crediting the entire Generation set to me on the strength of some unconventional blocking. Forced Into Femininity wasn’t interested in playing and Jill generally wanted to get out of there as soon as humanly possible.

There wasn’t too much of a crowd but it was easily the biggest, fanciest and loudest sound system we had the opportunity to play with on the entire tour. [Note: actually probably not – we were on the main stage at Bitchpork] The unconventional music styles did seem to capture people’s attention and it was exciting just for the bizarre flex of saying we played an official stage for a mid to large size music festival – albeit a failure of one. It’s definitely more fun talking about it now than it was to actually play it.

I was actually super into Kool Keith in High School and Dr. Octagon was my favorite of his albums and personas by a wide margin. Under other circumstances I would have been excited to catch his performance but this wasn’t my first time at this kind of festival. Years earlier I had gotten an unexpected late night phone call from my older brother who turned out to be drunk at a U2 concert in some large East Coast arena. He held his cell phone up for me to hear.

After going to Coachella in 2004 I thought of the drunken U2 phone call as the perfect metaphor for everything that was disappointing and unsatisfying about the experience. Your favorite band in the world could be playing but it still just feels like listening through a cell phone held up by a drunk friend on the other side of the country. This isn’t true for something like Bitch Pork but the Festivals with white tents, beverage sponsors and colorful plastic wristbands always end up feeling this way.

It would have been cool if the Dr. Octagon set had happened a little earlier but it wasn’t even worth asking my friends to stick around for a few more hours. Through the lens of a major Festival, even a sparsely attended failed one, all of the energy that makes live music appealing is simply lost in translation.

Once we came off stage the rest of the group came and found us, Jill, Sugar Tea and Popsicle, and the sentiment was that we should leave as sleeping in a truck stop sounded more appealing than staying here. We packed up our wet tents and started the trek toward the exit when we discovered that Generation had made a profound impact on one fan specifically. A young girl dressed in a zebra miniskirt came jogging up and enthusiastically recapped her impressions of their set:

Oh my god that was so crazy! You were like “RRURRURRU” and then you were like “reereeree”!

In her impressions she seemed to be imitating the kind of low/high screaming trade off that can be heard in Crust Metal bands like Dystopia, Wisigoth and most likely others I don’t know the names of. I am quite fond of the vocal style but it wasn’t what Generation sounded like by any stretch of the imagination. She repeated this several times with an unflagging surplus of energy as the Pickell siblings chuckled in obvious discomfort.

Her demonstration took a bit of a turn:

Yeah!, I was so blown away I was like…”

She bent forward at the waist and let her mouth hang loosely open. One would assume this was to indicate shock but she then began to bob her head suggestively while making gagging noises. In case that wasn’t clear enough she added this last bit of commentary:

Like, stick a dick in my mouth already, ya know?”

There was a bit more nervous and forced laughter until Rain had a sudden flash of inspiration. They had printed these tiny paper flyers with pictures of alien faces and urls for some of their videos and other online resources. Rain quickly handed her one of the tiny fliers. This seemed to throw the zebra skirt girl for a loop and she spent a couple minutes scanning and attempting to decode it. We all took the opportunity to recommence power walking toward the exit as quickly as possible.

We were clearly too far away to chase down again so instead the zebra girl gave a giant wave then cupped her hands around her mouth to scream out a final message:

I’m gonna stick this in my pussy!!!”

With those words we had reached the gates and The Land of NOD Experiment was firmly behind us. We had escaped. We called Amanda to see if she had friends in Ann Arbor and ended up at a punk house called The Meat House that just happened to have an upcoming generator show full of fresh degradations when we attempted to play it.

I’d like to end this story with some things I didn’t witness first hand but heard through Books – the final fate of the Recy-Clown Cir-Chaos. When the festival promoters found themselves deeply in the red and needing to pick artists, workers or vendors to not pay the clowns seemed like the perfect choice. They had been gathering cans all weekend and Michigan is known across the USA for it’s relatively high beverage can redemption value of 10 cents so they wouldn’t be leaving empty handed. Still the agreement was that they would be paid 200 dollars a head for keeping the festival clean and teaching attendees about the joys of recycling.

The main promoter invited the clowns to their tent for hot dogs, mojitos and a “friendly chat”. The message was essentially that they had to fuck someone and The Recy-Clown Cir-Chaos seemed more fuckable than any other entity in this specific scenario. The clowns weren’t trying to take this sitting down but they also didn’t appear to have any options to retaliate. They could dump all the cans back out but that would just mean losing the small money to cover gas and other expenses they would be getting for following through on the recycling message they had coalesced around in the first place.

To make things especially insulting the promoter’s younger sister was tripping on acid, not wearing pants and laughing at everything the clowns said for this entire conversation. Some empty promises were made to the effect that the promoters would be continuing to fundraise and the clowns would be paid just as soon as all the more important people that were owed money were paid first – things like parking attendants, paid hula hoopers and God knows what else.

Based on the logistical clusterfuck of this initial outing it seems highly unlikely that any fund raising was successful. When I checked it’s Facebook page it seemed like they’d transitioned to smaller rabbit themed events around New Orleans. The Festival was dead. I have a feeling The Recy-Clown Cir-Chaos didn’t exactly bounce back from this either. Our tour? Our tour went on.

On to Ann Arbor and a thing called “dick time!”